Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need some help from the DB community! Crunch Time!

So the whole Wednesday MC session has come and gone.
Last week I had brought up and said that we either need to be in the same bedroom, put on your wedding wing and work on this together. She said she wanted to wait to talk to MC to get advice.
Then Friday I see text from W to friend saying how miserable she is and doesn't want to be married. How she is just afraid to say that to me and that she feels bad for not giving me another change. Keep in mind she didn't say this to me but to a friend of hers.
At that point I stop all R talk and go back to basics. I continue to stay in guest room because me demanding would seem like controlling again which would be more of the same.
Since then we have gotten along unreal and she talks about future stuff, invited me to her work banquet, etc
I talk with DB coach on Tuesday night who tells me to just treat her like a good friend. And that if she brings up working on it together in MC then say that sounds encouraging but i still want to take it slow
Fast forward to today and it comes up at the end. She tells MC she is just waiting for a "feeling or a sign."
In my mind a feel like this is more cake eating.
But this is exactly what my DB coach told me to do so I'm just sticking with that for now.
It just seems like we are in this pattern on more of the same and she gets what she wants. Me as a friend to help her do stuff
I don't want a just a friend. I want a wife

It must be tough to see yourself starting again. It is a long slog.You know what you want. You have a coach and a MC, plus this forum.YYou are well armed for this battle/war.

My W has said similar stuff to a friend. Like you I am not supposed to be aware of that. My W has never ever expressed this to me. Maybe they don't fully believe it, maybe it is true. People need safe places to let out their feelings. We have here. Try not to dwell on this until she brings it up. That may never happen.



So what are your short term goals?

Best wishes

Thanks Roist
It is tough being in this situation again. I'm definitely to blame for part of it. But I will not take all the blame for it this time. I started IC today which was really good.
I told her my goals are to learn how to trust again, stop being verbally and emotional abuvise, and learning to let go and understanding that I can only control my actions.
She brought up a very good point. Which is i haven't been able to trust again because W never took ownership of her actions the first time. You can't forgive someone who won't take responsibility.
We are working on understanding that just because you have a feeling doesn't mean you have to act on it.
I can't control my feelings but I can control my actions

My short term goals are to learn how to control what I can and let go of what I can't. Also, to really watch my tone and how talk to wife and son. I'm also going to begin to do more individual things. So more GAL!!
In the end the IC said that I need to focus on me for the next couple months
If they changes the dynamic of the marriage and I'm happy then great
If not then I have to make a decision and if that decision is to let her go so I can be happy then that's what I need to do

"@cbtdad, i don't want to open wounds, but what was she like when she was getting over the OM?

I'm not sure i'll see mine get there, but she did say this evening that she really did have feelings for her OM, but that OM2 and his crew are a welcome distraction... (that puts me at ease). OM1 still appears out of the pic, but i cannot know what happens during her work hours"

The initial few days were depression.
Almost like the roles were flipped. I was watching her go through what I went through losing her.
For about a week she would cry all the time.
The sex didn't return until 3 months later for us. And even when it did I would think "is she thinking about him?"
Watching her explain these things in front of me at MC was tough
She was slow to come back to me and still don't thinks she has completely
That's one of the reasons I'm back here again
She never owned up to it. And that was a huge mistake on my part!!
That's why I continue to say this time around I could never put up with another A
I can't go through that again

Well the roles have flipped for me, as i'm the one wanting a D, not wanting her to touch me, not wanting to say "i love you back".

There is still no remorse and a possible OM2. So mine is clearLy in the fog, trying to find her way out perhaps. Mine never had a PA (yet) so not sure what her remorse will look like really.

What are your goals and smaller objectives?

My goals are to let go of things I can't control and to watch my words and how I use them
The small objectives I have at the moment are to GAL and become friends with my wife again. Really just to get along as best as we can
That hasn't been easy and I get very frustrated at times
But I know all I can do is control my actions. I can't control my feelings

Hi cbtdad,

The challenge with reconciliation is that if the wayward spouse is more or less giving in, or returning to something safe and familiar, versus enthusiastically re-engaging, then I fear you really just have a stay of execution unless you make some very dramatic behavioral changes.

Look at this from your perspective -- you were cheated on and left and put through hell. Then she agrees to reconcile, of course you are now going to be living with fear and suspicion, and that is going to exacerbate your controlling issues. All the R talks you are doing are just temperature checking coming from a place of fear. To her it comes across as "you're not going to leave me again, right? You're not going to leave me again right?"

People value what they have to work for, and do not value that which is given easily. It's much more fun and rewarding to hunt and chase down your prey than to stumble over some roadkill.

For your wife to feel good about this, she has to believe that you're a prize -- that she had to work to get you, has to work to keep you, and that you have value to other women, so she feels proud to be by your side.

The challenge of reconciliation in this context is that you're in a "one down" position in the relationship, and that undercuts what your wife needs to feel good about it. It's not a sustainable equilibrium as you're now seeing.

Between the lines your wife is saying "I don't believe this relationship is valuable to me, but I'm afraid to leave it"

To become a thing of value, you need to be happy, confident, self-assured, and comfortable in your own skin. You need to feel that your wife is exceptionally lucky to have you, as that attitude will spill over into all your interactions.

If you want to get her back permanently, you need to set her free and then head in the other direction and live a kick@ss life.

Muddling through on your current trajectory will continue to land you in the same place.

Acc

Thanks Acc!
You are so correct. My insecurities have been a turn off for a long time for her. I can see that now. The thing is I am so confident in so many other areas of my life. It's why I have been doing so many other things lately. Getting away from the house, etc
Last night we were at an event on our hometown. We were having some drinks and it came up about where things were with us. She said shes been telling me to get out and do more things for a long time now. And that I need to be making the changes for myself not her. I told her the changes are for me, but that she was the reason for the awakening. She also said that she feels like she would be good telling our S that we are friends. Like that mommy and daddy and tried, but we are better as friends.
Of course right before that she said she wouldn't be there if she didn't think there was a chance.
One minute she says things that would involve the future, the next moment she will say things that make me think whats the point and why are we even acting like there is a chance.
Those are the times that its hard for me not to react obviously and I have to get better at it
Thank for the input

What are your views of D'ing your W? If she is your insecurity would it not be best to leave insecurities by the door and move forward. What i'm asking is - why cling on?

I'm not anywhere near where you are, but i like to understand how what i'm doing now could pay off in the future, if at all.

Very nice post Acc.

What do you mean by "cling on"?
I am working on that now. It's a trust thing. She cheated on me 3 years ago and she never really took ownership of that. For me it has caused a lot of trust issues which as a result has caused me to question her a lot. Looking for that reassurance that she is "mine"
That's the controlling side of me that I'm really focusing on letting go