Been lurking for about 2 weeks and finally feel a need to have someone from the outside take a look at my situation and perhaps make some suggestions that might help me save my M. I will try to give a full picture without writing a book.
-Aug '15: I am told by W "I'm not happy." When I ask why, I am not given a clear answer. I chalk it up to being something she is going through and will get passed it.
-Sept '15: I am told "We aren't going to make our 20 yr anniv." It is in '16. W was drunk and we got in an argument so I didn't know how to react. Still no clear answer on the problem other than "I'm not happy".
-Sept thru Dec: Slowly she starts to build an emotional and physical wall. It kind of snow balls and looking back I should have been more proactive. It wasn't as obvious then as it is looking back at it.
-Jan: Sit down with W and tell her I realize she has put up a wall and I don't know if you even love me anymore. The response to what's going on is "I love you but not us". Still no clear reasons about anything.
-Start reading everything I can about relationships, emotional connections, communication, male vs female thinking... and start being more engaged and focused on my actions towards W.
-End January: Suspect OM. No proof just gut feeling and some things I noticed that didn't fit.
-March: Things in limbo for weeks and going nowhere even though I had really been making an effort to get us back on track. Finally get details about why W not happy. All the reasons are me - things I do, how I act, things I don't do, past mistakes... She says she is done and that this isn't where she pictured herself at this point in her life. I ask if there is someone else. She says no. Tell her I don't understand and I don't want a D and will do anything to work through this. I take full credit for my faults in the M. She says she doesn't want to work on it. I start taking a deep look at myself and focus on the things about me that were a problem for her.
-Mid-March: Seen out w/OM having a drink. To make it worse it's a recently divorced friend we've known for 3yrs. Confronted wife and she said just friends. Was mad I would even suggest it and threw wedding ring at me and confirmed she is done. Confronted OM and he said friends also. I said he stepped over the line between guys who are supposed to be friends. He said big misunderstanding and will honor my request to stay away.
-At this point I have an epiphany after all the reading I've done and realize that over the years when she had periodic complaints about being taken for granted, feels not loved enough, etc. I heard her but never understood her. I always thought my actions were meeting her emotional needs based on my "male thinking" and now realize it was not the case. I just did more of the wrong things. I now realize women connect differently. I explain this to her in tears and apologize for everything. Tell her there is a new me with this recent understanding and she will be treated the way she should be. Please note that I never treated W terrible. My intentions were always good but it just wasn't enough of the "right" treatment.
-End March: Go on planned family vacation. Treat her like she should have been treated all these years. Have great time, seemed to connect but come home and two days later W back to unhappy. I'm told she is uncomfortable around the new me and it's fake to her. This triggers days of trying to discuss, trying to reason, trying to beg, trying to plead, writing letters, all with no real result. Wish I would have stumbled onto this site before I did all that.
-Mid-April: Seen w/OM again at a club when she was to be w/girl friends. She claims he just showed up there. Note that it's not a likely place he would go by himself. That night in the heat of anger I tell her I'm done and give her my ring. She moves to other BR. A few days later I ask for ring back and tell her I'm not going to give up. I want to work on us and get back to normal. I get a response of "I'm all over the place on what is best for us." At this point she quits wearing her ring.
-End April: I tell her that it takes two to fix a marriage and over the last few months it's been only my effort and zero from her. Everything thing she previously said was the problem I have made every effort to correct or quit but it doesn't seem to really matter. I say I need to know if she's interested or not. She tells me to just give up. The next day is when I stumble upon this site and spend hours reading. I start taking action w/180 (although I had been already doing my own slightly different version of this for a few months), I start distancing myself which at times has been very difficult, and I have quit discussing the R.
So here I am today and getting very mixed results. I believe the OM has been out of picture for about 10 days now. Going out doing my own thing does not elicit any response at all, only a "Have Fun." Me limiting contact by text or phone doesn't seem to bother her either but that's me mind reading I guess. The only positive response I've gotten was a few nights ago while having a drink together I said I've realized she is going to do whatever she is going to do and I can't seem to change that. I am now focusing on fixing the things I hate about myself and I am working on being the best me I can be. She can come along for the ride if she wants. She had a surprised look and said that's good. Our conversations since then have been less heated and more civil. She still just doesn't seem to care what I'm doing or not doing. She doesn't text or call unless its about kids. There isn't much contact except while at home. Note that our work hours aren't the same so we don't have a lot of time together at home to begin with. I'm just not really sure where to go with all this. She has pulled away from me and me doing the same thing as she is just seems to make matters more uncomfortable/distant between us. Me not being engaged and making her feel appreciated and loved were big problems for her but when I've given her that over the last few months it hasn't worked either. Open to comments and suggestions.
Other info: dated 4 yrs, M19, both in 40s, D8, D14, .
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I hate the feeling of being completely helpless. I want to do something to put the pieces back together but when only one side of the M is willing to make an effort it is so frustrating. I also hate that my emotions are all over the place from hurt, to sad, to angry, to frustrated... Rollercoaster is an understatement!
I want to add that the other day W said she wanted to feel like she did when we first met. Does that mean I'm supposed to try and "date" her again? Is that a signal to pursue?
Lastly, It's killing me that she has not texted me or called me all day. She just goes about her business. I haven't given in and contacted her but as the hours tick by it hurts more and more that she doesn't seem to concerned to check in w/her H.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
None of us were perfect in our Rs trg8. Neither were our spouses. Marriages are hard, it takes two people that are committed, wiling to do anything to make it work. One thing that I know is we also react to each other's errors and it becomes a cycle. Keep working on yourself, let her be. Validate, GAL, act as if, don't get angry or emotional, let her bring R when she is willing. You have said everything you have needed to say, now it's time to shut up. Read read read and ask for advice here. Make no quick reactions or decisions, give a few days at least for every decision! Stay in mbr and house!
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Trg8, Sorry you are here. You are not alone, I've pretty much experienced everything you mentioned. First read the links provided by Cadet, and realize that Pursuing will drive your WW away. Also, investigate deeper to see if there is OM2 that you have not uncovered. What your WW is saying sound symptomatic of another EA, or the first one is still in contact. It's a long process, there's no silver bullet to put the pieces back together. Be patient.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
One thing that I know is we also react to each other's errors and it becomes a cycle.
You are spot on. When analyzing this whole mess I realized that she wasn't getting what she needed/wanted and would hold out on giving me want I wanted/needed, we would both get angry and it would go round and round and round with no ones needs being met.
We both have communication issues. We both assume the other knows what we need/want, when the other doesn't magically figure it out we get angry. I realized this a few months back and brought it to her attention. I told her I want to practice being open and honest. If you need/want something from me say it, don't assume I'm going to read your mind. I told her I don't have a problem supporting you w/what you need/want but I have to know if first. She really didn't say much about it. I've been practicing this for about 2 months and feel very good about my communication improving. However W has made no effort to work towards this.
I guess you're right Darkness. Just focus on me and see what comes of it. I just feel like I should be doing more.
Had 1 text from W all day asking about kid matter. Replied w/simple "yes". Proud that I haven't made contact all day but it really hurts when you so badly want someone back in your life.
I am/was married 11Y, 1 daughter 7 and close to finalizing divorce.
It's amazing the stories here since I have been lurking for months then actively posting and many are so similar it hurts whether M or F
I found the advice here great but I was too late and it seemed so counter intuitive. But your WAW already has her mind made up as she probably has been thinking about this for a while ..hate to say. By the time any relationship is at this point, the begging etc...makes it worse. I did the same, tried to force to therapy but she just wanted me gone.
Some of the board had pushed on the EA/PA which I could not fathom and while i snooped a bit could not find enough to firm it up. But I think many of these stories have some sort of "person" helping them get out the door quicker than they should or would without that interest. So I would not discount the "other interest' no matter how much they deny it..sorry to say. I found out now after 6-8 months that while she wasn't fully in a PA, there was enough with an EA to get her to gone.
It hurts and I am sure you know what you could have done differently but so could she. It is always a 2 way street so don't own 100% of the problem
Try to focus 200% on your kids and you. Some here have had success to turn things around with DB'ing. Hopefully it can reel things back in for you over time.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
