LRT is Last Resort Technique. You'll read about it in the book. I decided to deploy that before I found out about my WW's A. Glad I did. I think once you have an A confirmed, you need to go straight to that. BD is Bomb Drop or the day you found out about the A.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Is there any point to following up with her about MC? When my MIL flew in last week, she agreed to it with my MIL, but when I asked her about it yesterday (First time we had really talked about anything since the BD) she said, she would think about it.
I think my MIL's hope is that once she gets into counseling, it will be another person telling her she needs to absolutely cut off the A (if she hasn't already), and someone that will also be meeting her on the side to discuss her individual issues. I am very hesitant to enter into counseling w/o her stating the affair is over etc but not sure I see another way forward.
You can bring it up, but do it fleetingly perhaps. Mine is still not talking about MC. So i'm not going to bring it up until i see full commitment to the MR. I have nothing to gain by bringing it up now. Still see too much selfishness. Even her sexual gratification can be considered selfishness...
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I would drop the MC for now. She is not at a place where it will do any good. I wouldn't even go with her at this point even if she agreed. There is a lot of stuff that she needs to do before MC will become useful. And honestly, you do to. You need to be working on detaching, 180's and GAL. There needs to be a cooling off period. You need to process your feelings (on your own). Severe damage has been done to your MR and it can't be fixed by MC right now. In order to fix your M, it is going to take time and patience. You've got a process to follow and it is a process that I believe works. Follow it.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Let's look at what we know. There have been three people, rather close, lost in death, simutaneously. She has admitted to an A with OM at work. Did the A begin before of after these deaths? She had announced she wants a D. You have notified certain people about this A, in hopes they can influence her to stay in the M. Your W plans to stay with a GF for at least a week.
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How do I act towards her if my ultimate goal is to a)break them up b) reconciliation?
Well, you have already exposed the A to some people, and it doesn't appear to have slowed it down. OM's W has kicked him out, and your W is leaving the house. What's left? Tell her co-workers, or notify HR and see if you can get OM fired, or get your buddies to go with you to beat up the OM, try to poison her against OM?
The mind of a WW seems very complicated to LBH's. The more her H attacks the OM, the more she likely will defend the OM and direct more hatred toward her H. And, the more the H pursues the WW, the more unattractive he is to her.
At this point, I am not sure if your W is reacting to recent things in her life, or if it is an excuse. Either way, I think she has to feel she is free to make her own choices. Sure, you can put pressure on her, but will that cause her to fall into your arms? You may be able to run the OM out of town. That's not a guarantee she will want to stay with you.
Know what your core values are, and don't compromise them. Show inner strength and confidence as a man. Stand firm in your beliefs and morals.
How to act when riding back from the airport? Be confident in who you are. You may not know who she is anymore, but you know who and what you are! Do not initiate a relationship talk. Do not try to flirt with her or chase her. Certainly no pleading or trying to reason with her. A WW is not logical.
Don't search for something to talk about. Be calm, relaxed, and in control of yourself. Don't act mad (although you have ever right to be angry) and don't act as if you are sullied and cold. If she starts talking about her plans, or the M, just listen and don't feel like you need to defend yourself or argue with her. Even if she drops a hint that she isn't sure what she wants (be careful, that's a trap) or seems hesitant about anything........do not jump in and try to persuade her. Be Mr. Cool, not Mr. Kool-aid.
The more pressure she feels from you, the more she'll want to get away from you. Do you want her back for any other reason except that she loves you and wants to be a wife to you?
You may, or may not, see a lot of game playing from her. Don't believe what she says. Don't fall for her little tricks.
When interacting with her, for now, use your best poker face. She needs to wonder what you are thinking, doing, feelings, etc. Don't talk about how you plan to improve yourself. Don't make promises.
These actions may not be at all what you feel like doing. DBing is counterintuitive. DBing is fighting for your M, it is just a different way. You will want quick fixes and fast results. It doesn't work that way.
If you can tell us any more about the marital history, it may help us.
I think there is a very good chance of reconciliation. It is going to take more time than you think. I hope you stick with us and post often.
Sandi, I appreciate your vote of confidence. I have read as much as I can of your stuff on here and would appreciate any more suggestions you might have.
