Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers GAL going well. Need help with LRT and 180

She is not a child that you need to "gently remind" her of her chores. You are not her personal secretary who reminds her of appointments, etc. Neither should you rescue her by taking over and doing everything for her. No, she would not see you doing it as pursuit.....she'd more likely just think you were a fool, or get angry b/c she'd think you were trying to take over. She's not normal and doesn't think like a normal wife. She wouldn't appreciate you for doing it. Don't you know as long as you are crazy enough to do your work and hers too, she's going to let you?

She's already cake eating like crazy. As long as the H is jumping through hoops, why would she change her direction?

Many H's swing from one direction to the extreme opposite. Try to find balance.

You have a long way to go yet, before you are detached.

Well Sandi2 thanks for the reminders. Good to know that I'm a long way from being detached. I'll read the homework again and again and again. Here is today's development - not sure if it's a setback or what.

After I did pull the - I know you have been busy so I took care of ... I got home with S15 and she was happy about her own stuff - but did not walk her dogs and she stepped in a pile. Plus where I sleep there was a puddle. Well I told her to clean it up and to walk the dogs. When I felt bad about that I asked if she wanted me to walk them and she said no.

She is fuming now. But maybe that was the right stance? Maybe some backbone was visible or maybe I've blown up any bridges I've built.

To add to that - I went back on a promise I made to myself. I had been pointing out her neglect etc to the kids - when I realized that I'm trying to make myself look like the better parent. Well that's a bad idea. But tonight, I reminded the d20 s15 about her behavior.

Not a good night.

Sandi2 and everyone else. What about the basement reno? Should I go ahead with her here? Or will that set her off and make her move out for sure?

Sandi2 - and everyone else.

In your post on Melo's thread you said - sorry I don't know how to use the quote tool

If nothing else, he should exclude his WW in his activities and end all the whole "doing things as a family" routine. He definitely needs to enforce boundaries.

This is counter to what my DB coach said. I was encourage to make her part of the activities. I'm a little confused. I've been including her - subtly. We are doing this would you like to come?

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts !!!!

I know it's counter. I am counter on a few things.

You might as well shoot your own foot, while you're at it. Remember what I said about balance? Stop going from one extreme to the other.



If it had been the right stance, you tore it down when you turned around and asked if she wanted you to walk the dogs.

Sandi2 - Yes, that was a bad night - we are all entitled to a few I hope.

What about the family activities - include her or don't? Or just stick with we are going to a movie - coming?

Should I start my basement reno?

You already know where I stand about marriages with a wayward wife, and you said it confused you b/c it wasn't the advice your coach gave. So, I'm not sure why you are asking me again.

The more people and sources you seek opinions/knowlege/experiences........the greater the mixture of answers you'll receive. Most of us agree with what MWD teaches, however, some do have differences......and a few are strongly of a different opinion (in case you haven't seen it yet). I don't mind anyone asking me questions, and I will try to answer to the best of my ability. I try to show respect toward the coaches, even if I don't see eye to eye with them on a couple of things. After all, it is MWD's board.

In my threads about wayward wives, I wrote about these issues you question......In the first thread.

In the past, the board has had people who would not buckle down to dig out the information and start applying it. They would basically throw out questions to the board and take a tally to see which one had the highest votes. Some would even go to other member's threads and try to tally votes there, too. I don't think that is your intentions (to see who agrees with this person or that person), but perhaps you can understand. Besides, I have seen your posts of encouragement to other members, and that's great. Anyway, just take this jumbled up post for whatever it's worth, and all is well.

I have had a long, tiring day and I am going to call it a night.

Apologies for hijack

Sandi if you read again, I lit a good friday votive for your beloved D and offer hugs.

V

Sandi2:

Thanks for your candid reply. No I'm not tallying votes - just trying to weigh all the opinions and apply them in my situation. I will admit that I get deeper and deeper into this sit I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I totally get the process. I am so much more confident then I was a few months ago.

The post you put on Melo's thread was awesome. If I had read that two months ago I may not have been able to truly value it. So keep it coming.

I know MWD says keep doing what works. The problem is I don't know what works. So that's why I'm always looking for outside ideas. My little brain can only come up with so much.

Please keep it coming

I'm with you, bigybiz.

Outside comments and suggestions are incredibly valuable. Sometimes we can't see what's in front of our faces when we're right in the middle of our own situations.

Our past experiences, including our recent pains, provide a lens through which we see everything new, and sometimes that lens causes distortion that we don't even recognize anymore. I struggle with this.