I have so much time on my hands today, I don't quite know what to do with myself. I have got most of the chores I wanted done done.
Was surfing (is that the right word?) Pininterest when this article caught my eye. 'He never hit me'
When it was over, I wasn’t permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?
There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I’m learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love.
I do still struggle with this. I still don't know if he was jekyll or hyde. I guess he was both?
But TP said that he was a gentle person. How do I reconcile that with the man who was so angry with me because my class ended 30 minutes late that he left a heavily- pregnant me stranded in a remote area with no means of transport? Thank goodness I had managed to hitch a ride from a classmate.
And he had pretty much stopped and got out of the car many times during my pregnancy. Once I had to get out of the passenger side on a busy road to get to the driver side. Too pregnant to do it any other way. And I had to drive around aimlessly before I managed to find my way back.
How do I reconcile that with the man who got so angry over disagreements that kid and I would hide in our room whenever we heard heavy metal music blasting?
He talks to and smiles at the TP. Where is that side of him when he brooded and stayed in his own world while he was put with kid and me? I have caught sight of him and kid when he has kid. They both look bored to tears and kid will always be fiddling with his phone. Why aren't kid and me enough for him? We pretty much entertain everyone else we meet.
Are TP and her kids really so special? Kid and I must be too mortal.
Sigh. Maybe it's the poodle of my perm that is the cause of this funk. I should get out of the house but I am nursing such a horrible ear infection.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Sorry today is a bad day lovely. Abuse can be in many forms, I don't think people realise that.
It really isn't anything about you and kid, it's all him. Sometimes men struggle with the adjustment to fatherhood, all the extra responsibilities and so on. One thing I can pretty much guarantee is that he will regret it. You do so great at holding everything together, being a working mom is tough, and you're doing it girl! You have your new best, and you're providing your best for kid, and keeping everything normal as possible, putting your own sanity second. Yeah I don't know you personally, but I am so proud of you! You are amazing.
And that man in your dream I'm sure will be a reality. There are some great men in the world. Men who would kill to have such a woman as you. And when sh*t gets real for xh and the bubble for him and POS bursts, he will realise what a killer mistake he made.
Hope you feel better soon. Sending massive hugs to my fellow hourglass sister
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Sorry to hear you are sick! I know how much that can drag a PMA down.
You are awesome GRL. Don't worry about whether he will regret it or , or why he was capable of it, or why he couldn't appreciate you or what he did. None of it matters. He doesn't matter.
He left, and you and kid are all that matters. Cherry is right. You are amazing.
He talks to and smiles at the TP. Where is that side of him when he brooded and stayed in his own world while he was put with kid and me?
Grl, I've talked to my IC about this, how Mr P could be different with someone else. There's no good answer. About 15 years ago, Mr P had an EA by email and phone with a woman who was supposed be be my best friend. The thing that hurt me so much was that he said things to her that I wanted to hear, but never got, tender, loving things. When I asked him why, he had no explanation, and I never got anything close to them the remainder of our years together. Why? I don't know. Does the duck get them? I don't know.
Here's what I do know: I say things to My Nica that I never said to Mr. P., and I get wonderful things in return. Why am I able to do that with My Nica? I don't know that either. Is it that I was reacting to Mr P being closed off, is it that I never really felt them, is it that Mr P and I were a bad combination, is it that I've recently learned to be more open? Point is, my R with My Nica is different, Mr P's R with his duck is different, your X's R with the TP is different. Don't spend any more of your mental energy wondering why X did or didn't do something, what he does or doesn't do with the TP. There's something way better for you out there. Approach any new R all opened up, give someone new the chance to respond to that. Your X didn't, someone else will, and you'll be happier for it.
Have been under the weather these few days, haven't really been catching up on the board. Your comments have given me food for thought.
I always thought that he sounded like he regretted the decision to D and that a big part of his decision was to inflict as much pain as he thought I had inflicted on him. But he swings so often and so much that I get whiplashed.
I really have to admit that I haven't been the best wife in the R and that I suck at dbing. I guess I have to put away the niggling suspicion that if I had found this site earlier and learnt to stfu better, things would have ended differently.
When I remember the hurtful things he had done to me and kid, I wonder how it is that I have held on for so long. And how I can still have feelings for someone as callous as him.
And then I remember that he wasn't always so bad. And perhaps he had tried his best. Maybe we really weren't meant to be together. My moods and sentiments changes so frequently and abruptly that I am giving myself whiplash.
I must learn to acknowledge the good and the bad and accept them for what they are. I must make use of the time to work on myself.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Lovely JksD, such a long time since I have visited and posted. But I wanted to say that the freedom to detach comes not from acknowledging the good and the bad, is coming to accept that both are in the past and your life is in the present moment. Constantly moving in and out of a relationship that exists only in the past, where there is no longer any life or colour keeps you stuck. Life and colour are here now. And you my dear friend are light white light, gorgeous affirming and good for the soul. Remember your brilliance my dear friend.
And Cherry that goes for your gorgeous self too! You are two of the most delightful amazing women and neither of you should let a man dim your sparkle.
I agree that I have to concentrate on the here and now. My mind stll wanders back to the past as a way of understanding what went wrong because I guess I am still shell-shocked. It took only 6 months from BD to D and my life and kid's life being changed so irrevocably.
A lot of it is PTSD. Now, it's been 15 months post BD and 9 months post D. Everything can still seem surreal because just 15 months ago, yes, right up to BD, life was settling down and we were going to try for a second kid soon.
It was a unanimous decision to have a second kid and both sides of the family have been asking about it. He seemed calmer amd more prepared for a second kid. I stalled for time because I thought xh couldn't handle the stress of kids. He was really horrid and moody when kid was younger. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle on my own it as I didnt have any support from family.
Right now, I guess I am still mourning and reeling from losing life as I had known for the past 10 years.
It is tough but I know I have to be strong for kid.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Cherry, your hugs are much appreciated. Nursing a horrid ear, nose and throat infection for the past week and not feeling up to much.
Went to violence counselling last week and kid's counsellor called me this week to update me on kid's progress. Kid was making great progress by telling the C about the AO that triggered the D. In the last visit, however, she refused to talk about it any more as she didn't want to remind mummy about the sad incident. I have always listened to her and encouraged her not to feel ashamed of what happened. I wonder if the xh's family is giving her some other messages.
During the last visit, kid shared with me the play she wrote, 'Cinderella: the unwanted daughter'. I couldn't hear much past the title of her play asy heart was breaking into pieces and I was doing my damnest not to break into tears.
The C told me that kid felt unwanted by her father and that she knows that mummy loves her. Kid also feels responsible for me. I have always tried to appear upbeat in front of kid but I guess the spew from my mother and the ex got to us. I must be stronger and cut off all these unpleasant interactions. I will not interact with xh or mother if they cannot behave in a decent way. And vice versa.
Latest heartwrenching incident. There is a bald patch on kid's head. I have never seen it until kid brought it to my attention yesterday. It was a largish patch behind her ears but thank goodness it was covered by hair. Hair was starting to grow but I will have to monitor it.
Where did that come from? I have been helping kid wash her hair and haven't noticed it. Was it the result of the lice preparations that we used about 2 to 3 months ago? But I had never noticed any bald patch then.
Could she have pulled out or shaved her own hair? But she couldn't have done it at home without me noticing.
Add to all these new troubles is the fact that her sessions with the Violence counsellor is ending and the C is switching jobs. Kid will be devastated and I am at a loss as to where to look for an affordable and competent C for kids. As these are court-mandated sessions, they have been free.
Kid is now my utmost priority. I guess I am a close second, if not a tie.
Breathe in, breathe out. I can do this.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Xh texted me to ask about the bald patch. He didn't even bother to call. I told him what I knew and what I thought could have caused it. And that was the end of it.
By now, I can't even be bothered to tell him what the C told me. He will take it as me trying to guilt-trip him. The trail of destruction that he leaves behind him is never-ending.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
