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A very sleepless night. I am feeling like I am at the end of my rope. I am not sure how much longer I can hold out with all of this. My thoughts are so trapped in a negative loop right now.
The mental anguish and the physical discomfort is becoming to much.

I need some peace. How did I get here? Why can't I seem to maintain control and push forward......

SadHub,

Hang in there brother. Try very hard to focus on you, and your D's. They need you. This process takes a lot of time, and patience. You can do it my friend.

Yes, I spoke to an L several weeks before she filed, because I snooped and found her L's retainer agreement by accident. In anticipation, I built up some defenses to prevent her from draining our accounts, but they are pulling every little trick in the book to try to extract any scraps of dollars from me. In one item, they were arguing about insurance cost difference of $24. She doesn't realize she got billed several thousands for that!

I am just very sad that this woman I married for 18 years would stoop so low. It's not enough that she only works 15 hours, but she wants me to guarantee her lifestyle even when we are divorced. That is the most galling part of this whole thing.

Right there with you, brother. I woke up four times last night. My head is trapped in negative thoughts constantly. My AD does not appear to be working. You described it perfectly, the anguish I am facing is so hard and I don't see a clear path out of it either, for me or my S11. I am so sad for him.

Rest and gentle sleep can elude us as our minds spin.

I call this the washing machine mind and little of it works, mainly like tangled washing the thoughts create no sense threads.

It will come, that sleep, gradually.

And then wham, you will need rest and sleep and wakefulness will elude you.

Know this, there is little you can do to speed this process, Kubler Ross curves are just that in their own time and space.

Although you can not see this you are doing well.

I did mention hugs didn't I?

I always do, everyone needs them.

V

So my therapist prescribed daily meditation to me SAdHub, in an effort to help with both the mental and the physical manifestations of my stress.

He wants me to do some kind of meditation/relaxations techniques for 15-20 minutes, twice per day. I figure I have absolutely nothing to lose, and I know that it's helped me in past situations, I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

Why not give it a try at the same time I am? We've got nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain, and maybe we can compare notes.

You also might want to give grief counseling a try. I feel like it might really help me, but I'm not far enough along that I can be certain. A friend of mine said it did her a lot of good, though, and this is a woman who has gone through a lot of traditional counselors over the years. When she tells me something works, I tend to give her a lot of credence. It's not a panacea, but rather teaches a technique or set of tools to help one deal with grief. I can give you the info for the program I'm using if you're interested.

I'm still pulling for you SadHub. I hope you get some rest.

Sadhub (and CWOL)

You are not alone. I haven't posted in a while on my own thread as I have been also in the divorce loop and battle

I hate the "time will heal" things comments but it is true. And I would highly recommend writing down your feelings (somewhere safe and confidential) so that you don't take them out on the kids. IT IS HARD!

You have been betrayed and then you are getting the raw deal part of divorce (and you too Cwol)

I have a STBX that hasn't worked in 12+ years , had a nanny practially raise our 1 daughter while she did her own thing and now is sticking it to me. And is the one who wants the divorce claiming I am the reason for everything

I went to the therapist that tried to help us in the past and knows the uphill battle I have with my STBX. Go talk to someone...it will help you get the things out of your mind that are so frustrating while also writing them down.

Anger, resentment and the hurt that goes with this is normal. I lost 12 lbs going thru this and looked like I hadn't slept in decades. But it is starting to get better. Good days, bad days...days I cry about my prior life, days I am excited that maybe...just maybe...what alot of people are telling me about how my STBX was this and that...was true and I was blinded by my love for her. It's a phase that is not an easy one so post often and ensure you can put your best game face on with your kids....they are what matter!

Thank you rich4j, Phoebe and V for checking in and the support.
I will I respond in detail to each of you in a bit, but wanted to thank you and report that I had a better nights rest, I am a bit shaken this morning, I am attempting Phoebe's approach to recognize and let it pass, and I may take the anti anxiety med to calm the nerves and have a good start to my day. I need to go get ready to head out.

Update in short
Good night last night, a bit more rest, recognizing sadness, letting it pass, and plans to have a good day.

Hang in there, SadHub.

My goals for today are similar to yours.

Just checking to see how you're doing today.

Any interest in the mindful meditation challenge??? I did my first (in a long time) 20 minutes last night.

(((SadHub)))