Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My first post - please be nice.

the question i have about this whole db process is...one of the major points on contention in our marriage was my selfishness. well if i start living this 'me' centered life, won't that further emphasize her point of view? i just feel like it would be doing far more harm than good. i mean, i get needing to work on myself. i've been trying to. i've been trying to get into running and get into better shape. there's lots i need to do to work on myself. but isn't it completely missing the point if i move on attempt to forge a life without my wife?

i get i have a lot to learn about this. i never in my wildest dreams thought i would be going through this. but i guess that's ultimately why i'm here. i took the marriage for granted.

Here's hoping today is a better day than yesterday. Hopefully after my Drs. appt I can get out to the park and continue working on my running. The past few days I haven't been able to due to storms. Running in hail just doesn't sound fun to me.

One other question I have is. I know a bunch of people on here go to MC by themselves (without their spouse). I've thought about it and even went once without my W and it just doesn't seem as productive. I feel like I can come in here and talk/ask questions/get answers, it would be just as effective and cost a lot less. If you go to MC by yourself, what is it you talk to the counselor about and work on?

I have a lot I need to fix about me. To be a better hub

whoops...didn't complete my thought. Nice to see real life also bleeds into cyber life.

That sentence should say:

I have a lot i need to fix about me to be a better husband. I need to work on being more self-less, empathetic, emotionally present, etc...

(Well, guess I just answered my own question.)

Wonder if anywhere there is anything about DB-ing and getting your W's internet set up at her new place. Well, because that's what I'm doing. I've got a call into TWC. It feels so backwards, like I'm helping her leave ME.

No you don't have things to fix to be a better husband.. You have to fix them to be a better you and father. Stop worrying about the R and W, until she wants to committ.

collin,

I have a lot of things to work on as well. When my marriage woes first began, my wife painted a portrait of me as the most inept husband that ever existed. I believed most of it. What puzzled me was that it wasn't terribly long ago that she would gush about how easy it was to be married to me because there were no problems or strife in the marriage. How did I become the evil bastard of husbands within such a short period of time?

The truth is that there is a lot of stuff I need to work on, both as a husband and as a person, but I wasn't an awful husband. Once the switch is flipped in a wayward wife, she only sees the bad stuff and makes up a bunch of other bad stuff to go along with it. Internally they have to justify leaving you, so that's what they do.

The point of all of that is, I'm sure there's a bunch of work for you to do, but you may find that a lot of that stuff fixes itself if you go out and get a life (GAL) and get out and mingle and do something fun (preaching to myself).

Your W is only calling you selfish so that you will focus on her instead. She wants out of the marriage. She wants to divorce you. Why do you think that by turning into an over-attentive, super-husband that does nothing but chase after her will change her mind?

When you were in high school, did you ever have someone you don't like pine for you? send you love notes, ask you out, etc? How did you/do you think you would have reacted to that?

What I'd urge you to do is take a look at yourself and consider whether you really are selfish. If so, there are plenty of ways to be unselfish that don't relate to her. Give time to a local charity, spend more time with D, volunteer at D's school, help other friends/relatives when they are in need. You can change yourself without centering it on her.

Be the person you want to be.

One thing (of many) that I am confused about is, I have read on other posts where they say the best course of action is to maintain a level of friendship with your W. Work on the friendship, then move forward.

Others say distance yourself/or detach from W (Go into another room, do things on your own, etc...)

I know I am tripping all over myself during this process. But to me they sound like two different actions. If I left the room everytime she walked in and then turned around and tried to be her friend, she'd think I was crazy and send me to the the loony bin.

So I just need some clarification on the correct way to proceed.

(Also, thanks for putting up with me the past couple days. They were definitely the days where it felt like everything is going wrong and the sky is falling.)

Collin: I hear you on the strategy & tactics confusion. You need to address the right here and now plus the long term. Yes and sometimes the short term and long term conflict.

The best advice I got from my DB coach was that I need to show her consistent and permanent changes. I think that means we have to introduce the new Collin and "say baby this is what your getting and where I'm going you can like it or leave it".

you/me/we need to decide what that guy is going to be like and stick to it. Obviously as you try new things some will work and some won't. Some DB coaches, form moderators, form participants will agree some won't.

Part of it will be changes you want to make to meet her needs in the long term. She will resist all of the changes and will throw up road blocks, test and bait you. That is where strength and the detachment is needed. When things go wrong you need to not let it bug you. Yes, its hard and I know we all struggle with that.

You can't turn on and off friendship. So maybe just introduce it slowly and/or pick certain times, topics, etc.

Yeah, because the last thing I want to do is give off any perception that I hate my wife. Because I don't. However, I'm not really a big fan of the person currently wearing my wife's clothes.

Hmmmmm - do you have an example?

I would say "friendly" - yes.
"friends" - no.

Ultimately, will you be satisfied to be just friends with W?