Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Broken, not defeated pt2

Some days I wonder if it's incredible or I'm stupid. It's been a day where we have barely been in the same room, either I find something to do or he goes out and comes back. When I have seen him, again he hasn't been able to look at me. And there has been no conversation. I keep myself going, is always harder on those days when I don't go out and do something.

Well, I understand that thought because I wonder that about myself, too. Still, I have a lot of admiration for the way you are handling yourself. You inspire me when I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I've decided that I can't hang around my house on this rainy day, because I can't look at these walls full of memories any longer. The cleaning projects can hang!

I hope you get out and do something fun for yourself today.

(((Cherry)))

Okay so I broke a golden rule of db-int. I shopped. I saw all messages to the ow branding this marriage a mistake. Every day he is closer to leaving me.

I want to kick him out the damn house!!!!!!!


I guess they weren't baby steps at all!!

(((Cherry)))

First things first. Did you take screenshots and send them to your phone? Useful if fault-based D is practised where you are.

And also for confronting H.

I am of the view that intel can be useful if you are strong enough to know what to do with it.

What do you want to do with the info, Cherry? Are you able to put away your emotions right now to decide?

You don't have to decide right now. You will probably be spinning right now. Get out of the house and keep busy to take the edge off. If you don't know what to do with the info, I think you should avoid seeing H for the time beng.

Work out what it is that you want first.

FWIW, h may be cake eating and trying to pacify the OW. I dont think he tells her about the hot and heavy stuff that happens between the 2 of you.

Is there any way you can burst the bubble of the A?

Cherry, I am so sorry to hear this. JksD is right about the screen shots. I didn't do that when I found out about H's affair and I regret that in hindsight.

JksD is also dead on in that you need to decide what to do with this information before you do anything at all.

Does it actually change your situation, what you just found out? What I mean is : Did you already know he was having an affair, or is this new information? I see that it had been an issue in the past. Is it the same OW? Did he tell you it was over? Is he lying to her, too, when he said those things? I'm not trying to give him any credit here, plainly he does not deserve any. I'm just remembering the old "believe nothing they say" rule. I'd think that would apply to them nge he tells the OW, too. I know for certain that my H has lied to his OW.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to stay as calm as possible. A huge blow up scene won't do you any good as that red anger shuts down your ability to think clearly. If you can buy yourself time to think and get your head around things, then you should. Decide for yourself how this new info changes things. Head to a hotel or to a friend's house for the night with your baby if you can to clear your head. Don't tell H the reason you're going out. You don't owe him your honesty right now.

Above all, Cherry, remember that you deserve to be loved and treated well. What you do from here is your choice, not his.

((((Cherry))))

I'm sorry to hear that Cherry. But I'm sadly not surprised either. I think any time there is OW on the scene, some justification goes on. Even though your H knows at some level it's unfair - he complains about the M - else (to his rational self) why would he get involved with someone else?

So, you guys are still sleeping in the same bed and ML, despite OW being in progress. He is bad mouthing your M and saying he wants out. I'm thinking boundaries and would encourage you to think about what you can and can't live with here. I know you want to try and save this M if possible, but please put yourself first here and protect your health and emotional wellbeing.

Take care Sweetie xx

Thanks guys. You all bring up some really great points here, and give me some things to think about. And I needed the support so thank you.

It was the early hours of the morning here so could not get up and go really. I tried to calmly get into bed, and it took every part of my strength not to succumb to the red anger- I had an overwhelming desire to punch him! He tried his upmost to initiate sex throughout the night, and kept trying to intertwine himself in anyway to make contact. I swatted him off for most of the night, until at some point, he must have got me half asleep. And well that happened. Afterwards he tried to lay close to me, I shuffled away.

I didn't manage to take screenshots, the anger always clouds my logical thoughts. But you guys are right in the sense of he has no problem lying to me, I doubt he has any problems lying to her. And what better way to gain attention from someone but tell her a little sob story about how hard he has it, and yes I have no doubt the hot and heavy, and other actually caring actions are left out.

Not sure how to deal my cards yet, the red anger has shifted to white. And I'm more determined to look after me, for me. He is clearly a bit of a toxic mess right now. He is in chaos for sure. Not to sure how I can burst the bubble, I'm sure I can find a way. It isn't new info, I think so far it is just messaging. All day freaking long messaging. Because he is quite often at home. I guess it just angered me to see with my own eyes him telling someone things about our marriage. And when I see the word mistake I see red, because I am no mistake!!
The fact these toxic ap can justify the actions of someone leaving their m, especially where children are involved makes me even more angry, and you kinda think on one hand, these slimy people deserve each other- they don't deserve a loyal loving person. They deserve someone equally as lacking in morals

Hey Cherry, keep your head up and don't react. This really does not change anything. He's still a lying, cheating bstard.

I fought my WW off me this morning, I needed a cold shower but you can do it too.

Just imagine yourself in a cocoon, there is no-one else in there with you. You are at peace and alone. You get out of the cocoon and are still at peace and you do not see your WH at all, he's a figment of your imagination. You are alone and you soak it all up, experience it.

Cherry, at this point, I agree with sotto that some sort of boundaries may be in place. For your mental wellbeing, more than anything else.

A few quick questions:

Is it the same girl that he was flirting with previously?

So it seems like so far it's EA and not yet PA?

I wish I know how to advise you to move forward.

Let's just not do anything for the time being.