Jen, Well I certainly don't want to bring you down with this post. Our struggles are MUCH milder versions of what we have struggled with all along. The fact that my drive is higher than his and finding a place where we are both satisfied is difficult. I think that you are in the very very early stages of this, when it is all new and exciting. Eventually you will settle into your own pattern and what feels comfortable to you and then the process of negotiation will begin.
Again, I'm NOT trying to be a downer, just to tell you realistically what to expect. We had the frequency discussion and we both agreed on a 'time per week' that we would be happy with. My H has exceeded this almost every single week since, and that was nearly two years ago. He has KEPT this promise. I cannot tell you how proud that makes me of him. Amazed and proud and I feel like he took it seriously.
The other issues are the ones that we will prolly always struggle with--which consist basically of our difference in sexual STYLES. Not really our appetites or our love for each other, but in what makes us tick. He doesn't care for lingerie or any of the traditional "spicing it up" type stuff. He is not aggressive with his initiations, he does not get turned on by things that I consider to be "gimmes" such as shaving me or whatever. He does, however, like sex in our bedroom with the lights off and in our usual positions. I am okay with this, too, most of the time.
In fact, I am okay with our whole sex life "most" of the time. It is that other pesky "part" of the time in which I start getting restless and needing more from him. No doubt this depresses him, he feels pressured, etc.
So the struggles that I referred to can be boiled down to this: We each have needs and in this issue of our marriage they are often diametrically opposed. My need for variety and to feel like a sexpot is opposed to his need to not feel pressure to perform or be "someone he's not".
So this will probably not disappear and we will always be trying to negotiate around it. That's life. Earlier in our marriage (the newlywed days) we struggled with how to handle money. Now we have settled into a routine with that. Not to compare finances to lovemaking with your spouse, but I just want to illustrate that each marriage has its areas where the two people just don't see eye to eye and this is IT for us. We just muddle through and do the best we can and MOST of the time we are truly happy.
Does this answer your question and, if so, did I just bum you out completely??
Hey Jen, One more thing that I wanted to comment on and then I'll leave ya alone, lol.
The "I thought he'd be so glad that it would be the end of the problem" thing....well, it's not really that simple in the mind of the HD person. It is NOT just the sex we have been craving but the whole package. And being deprived of it and having your esteem go down the drain, well, all of that can't be repaired by a few weeks of frequent sex, kwim?
Imagine if your H had never let you eat. You were literally starving to death and would beg and cry for food and sometimes get ugly and act like an ass to shame him into feeding you. Nothing worked. Then one day he decided to feed you and announced that you could now, anytime you wanted it, eat from his table. Would you be so thrilled that you jumped all over him and said, THANK YOU H! You are so wonderful for finally feeding me! This is delicious!
Or would you want to say, F you, husband, you shoulda been feeding me all along and you can take your food and......
Well you get the picture. I think he might be working through and processing some really negative feelings right now. Feelings that I'm sure he is SO surprised that he even feels. I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that he thought he'd be just as thrilled with the changes you have made, too.
What I am trying to say is that you are an awesome wife. You are literally every HD person's dream for doing this. But try not to rush this, both for yourself and for him. So that the changes are real and lasting. Allow both of you the time to adjust to your new relationship and settle into a new routine.
You are doing fantastic, you really are. He is just standing back and checking you out and trying to figure out what the aliens did with his REAL wife, lolol.
Enjoy your new sex drive, you sound like a different person!
Quote: Hey Jen, Imagine if your H had never let you eat. You were literally starving to death and would beg and cry for food and sometimes get ugly and act like an ass to shame him into feeding you. Nothing worked. Then one day he decided to feed you and announced that you could now, anytime you wanted it, eat from his table. Would you be so thrilled that you jumped all over him and said, THANK YOU H! You are so wonderful for finally feeding me! This is delicious!
VERY good analogy. You're helping both Jen and I to see the other side. I guess I would use chocolate in my analogy for my W.
This kinda makes me see why my W once said it would almost be easier if I never changed. She would have been hurt by the past, but the fear of getting hurt again would be 1000 times worse.
And because we still spend time together and talk about the things we miss about each other or play together with our pet, the pain is still there.
I guess I would say...you have every right to be angry, hurt, and upset. I will not deny your right to feel the way you feel. But everyday we're one day closer to out dying day. Don't let another one slip away or do something that you'll regret in the future.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Oh Honeypot, The stylistic differences comment is very true in my sitch too. I definitely like variety and spice. Last night I told W that I had a fun idea where she goes to a bar, has a few drinks (hopefully paid for by other men), then let me come in and pretend to be a stranger and take her home. Role playing sounds sort of fun. In college we even engaged in some pretty crazy stuff...along the lines of "soft swinging" (no swapping, just being in the same room with other couples). I loved it. I would really like to go to a swing/sex club with her to do that type of thing again (not necessarly touching others), but I bet she's too "far gone" for anything that fun.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: Imagine if your H had never let you eat. You were literally starving to death and would beg and cry for food and sometimes get ugly and act like an ass to shame him into feeding you. Nothing worked. Then one day he decided to feed you and announced that you could now, anytime you wanted it, eat from his table. Would you be so thrilled that you jumped all over him and said, THANK YOU H! You are so wonderful for finally feeding me! This is delicious!
Or would you want to say, F you, husband, you shoulda been feeding me all along and you can take your food and......
I'd probably tell him to go F himself first... then eat!!!
I think I feel another conversation about this comin' on!
Quote: Or would you want to say, F you, husband, you shoulda been feeding me all along and you can take your food and......
I wouldn't mind the "F you" if it was then followed by "F me."
I've told my W that it would be the best make-up sex in the history of mankind. But again...she says she's too hurt and that now that she could have everything she's ever wanted she doesn't know if she wants it anymore.
I'm trying reeaaaaalllllyyyyy hard not to let it get me down and for the past 10 months it hasn't deterred me. I think that's a sign that LD-man is dead and gone.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Quote: Last night I told W that I had a fun idea where she goes to a bar, has a few drinks (hopefully paid for by other men), then let me come in and pretend to be a stranger and take her home.
OMG that is a huge fantasy of mine. I want hubby to go to a hotel bar and pretend he's on a business trip and I am some floozy he picks up for a one-nighter. Of course he thinks I'm nuts. What was your wife's reaction (dare I ask)?
She said "I get it" before I could finish the thought. Non committal. Some day though. I'm just trying to seed her with some ideas. Boy, wouldn't it suck if this backfired and she kept letting other guys buy her drinks? She such a practical joker that I could see her making me sweat it out.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
