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She planned the weekend and so far had been really pleasant. Not much Romance but good dialog between us. D is here too so it's not as anything will happen. I'd say we are interacting more as close friends then anytht else. She's brought up future plans a few times and I've had to sort of remind her that right now our future is in limbo.


Letter will not be given to her this weekend if at all.

Quick question for the grou. How do you validate your w when she says she's fat while not appearing to be separate or too engaging?

I have always told my W that I love how she looks. Weight is not important. Not sure if that's "separate" or "too engaging" - but it's always been what I've believed.

That's a demon trap.

Yeah tell me about it... so what do you say?

BTW fixed typo s/separate/desperate/

Don't answer the question. Ask a question back.

A great one: How do you mean?

Another: Why do you feel that way?

Another: Can you tell me why you feel that way?

I still think the best one is the first. She's not asking for a yes/no, as I have come to understand it. She's looking for validation. The question doesn't have enough meat on it to help her. You need to dig deeper into the 'why's' of the question.

It's kinda like touching a man o' war... you're going to get stung, regardless. Might as well figure out where she's at, and maybe flank the question to get to what she wants.

That's if you want to touch that poison-laced double spear...

Yeah It's definitely walking into a fire. And what makes it all that more dangerous is that she actually has gained wait this last year.

So all in all the weekend away was good (I know some of you were against it but I had a good time). It might have set us further back but W was pleasant to me and treated me to an amazing birthday weekend. No physical interaction (other than she held my hand Saturday for a bit as we went to sleep) and lots of validation of her feelings. No R talk and no A talk.

But things are back to normal today, she's sleeping at her rental place tonight. Some of the conversation over the weekend definitely indicated MLC trends, she avoided most phone texting (Even left the phone at the hotel or in her purse numerous times).

I know that we can't move forward if the A is still active which I believe it is as she spent the night there last week... so herein lies my current dilemma. I'm back to contemplating exposure vs. waiting it out (with the risk it gets more involved)

I thought I read somewhere that MWD supports limited exposure, there definitely seems to be split camps here.

Pros:
- Bring light to A
- May get it to end

Cons:
- W will be really upset
- could drive her away more
- believe she may be seeing some value to the R (especially after this weekend)

Who would I tell if I did expose?
OW - have her FB contact
his Mom - have her FB contact
my Wifes' BF - this one's risky, she was burnt by an A and is recently divorced, not sure she'd be pro M or not. I've also remained friends with her H and I don't think she's too happy about that. On the other hand, she knows exactly how a Betrayed spouse feels.


The Christian side of me says be patient... the impulsive side of me says expose so I can move forward one way or another...

Once you cross the line of exposure there is no going back. That's why I haven't done it even though I want to scream my pain from the highest rooftops.

There really is no going back after you Expose. I did it because my WW told me she was intent on separating/divorcing, nothing I said could change her mind. So I figured I had nothing to lose.

When I did it, I did feel a tremendous sense of liberation, empowerment, and vindication. I received support from most of the people I exposed to for our marriage, most of them were shocked but they wanted to help me continue. My WW ended up not talking to ANY of her friends, except the one friend that stood on her side ("I support WW," she told me.) Several of the friends tried very hard to break through, and one actually plotted with me to surprise her. However, there was no talking her out of it, and her mother and cousin ended up helping her with the retainer for the D lawyer.

WW told me that my Exposure drove the stake through our marriage, there is no chance for reconciliation because of it. But I asked her, didn't you tell me there was no chance to start with? What difference is there now?

I don't really think in the end it made the road to R any more impossible. In her first EA 17 years ago, I exposed to her parents and my sister, that was it. This time it was a larger group of close friends.

Again, you are the best judge of your situation and you should do what you think is right.