Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW still behaving angry and moving to divorce

Awesome job on getting out there to do that 5K tonight, SadHub. That's wonderful.

Thanks V.

You are right, I have not identified that she is WW.
I guess my challenge is that I believe that she is WAW, but I cannot find any stories or info on how to handle the anger she shows. Her walking away came on so fast and without any explanations or anything and all I get is the occasional conversation that is focused on the D. And these are tricky as she wants it to be quick and easy, has no info about doing it, but wants it over. And all of that, and she waits for me to initiate conversations while demanding that she is the one that will file.

I think even my coach is a bit confused on what I should do because half the conversation is me sharing all of the craziness that I am dodging from day to day. I really need a plan and the LRT and 180 is struggling because, I am thrown a new thing each day. I was the distant one in the relationship, but when I 180 and show happiness, that sets her off. If I remain distant, and avoidance, that sets her off. If I request that we sit down to review the needed info for the separation and D, that sets her off. When I spend time with my girls, that sets her off.........I apologize for the rant, I just want to incorporate a plan of action that can help me do better, without the atomic bomb blowing up right after. It is exhausting to say the least right now.

But you are correct, and I thank you for the thread from edz. I will review it so that I can glean some insight and hopefully make some sense out of an appropriate approach that can provide hope for my family and I. Please send me as many other stories that I may review to add to ideas that I can use.

I have to shake the cob webs from the stunning blow she hit me with so I can dodge all of the other jabs that keep coming.
Someone, please ring the bell to end this round so I can have a moment to shake it off and come back out and incorporate a game plan.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Vanilla, for your support and providing insight from outside to keep my perspective in the right place.

This is an old post from my archives
Some people think that a WAW is hard, angry, cold. In a fog. There's more to her than that.

4 years ago, a woman lay in bed at night, not wanting to wake up in the morning. There was no way out. She couldn't divorce him. He would have visitation without her there to protect them. He had never hit them, but he surely didn't understand how to care for them. He didn't even know his own children.

She couldn't leave. She had no job, no way of putting food on the table for the children she loved. She had been dependent for so long, & she trusted this man to provide for her. Now she lay in bed, wondering who he was, & how she got here. These were not the choices she would have made, if she had a 2nd chance.

She couldn't talk to him. He couldn't hear her. She desperately wanted to share herself with him. He had walls up. She couldn't penetrate them. He seemed so content to work, watch TV, eat & sleep. Why didn't he want more, like she ?

She felt trapped. She resented herself for letting him treat her this way for so long. He told her often enough, he was a good husband. She needed so much more from him. She tried telling him, for years she tried, then she cried, she begged, she pleaded, but he couldn't hear.

He was cold, hard, in a fog.

She tried everything, she read every book. She prayed her heart out. She tried to be more Christ-like. Figuring if she set the example, he would follow.

She knew it came down to two choices. Her children's happiness, or hers. She would sacrifice hers. She decided to stay, & raise the children, with this man who would never know her. When they moved out, so would she. Then she would salvage what was left of her.

She put her heart in a dusty old box in the top of the closet. It was easier. She didn't hurt anymore, she was numb.

When she finally quit trying, & tried to fill her hours with distractions, he noticed. His fog was lifting. He wasn't quite so cold, so hard. She didn't care. It was too late. She was numb. Her heart was in that box. She vowed never to take it out again.

She stumbled through her days, crossing them off in the calendar. Wondering how much longer she could live this way. Did her children see her unhappiness ? She wondered, are they better off with a single happy parent, or with two parents who co-exist ? The torment was eating her alive. What to do ?

By now, she wasn't sleeping. Wasn't eating. She pulled away from all of her friends. She was dying inside. She desperately wanted, needed to be loved, appreciated, noticed, cherished. She was a beautiful fragile flower slowly dying without water, sunshine & air.

When no one was watching, she cried. She cried till she ran out of tears. She wanted it to be over, she wanted the pain to stop. Everytime she looked at her husband, it reminded her of the pain. The pain that was consuming her. She turned to alcohol to numb the pain. Anything to make the pain go away. Her friends ask her why she's putting on so much weight. She wonders, why can't anyone see that I'm dying here. She doesn't try to tell the man she shares a bed with, remember, he can't hear her.

She finally writes him a letter. She says she is done. They need to raise their children, & he's the only one who can be their dad. Now he's fully awake & out of his fog. He's scared. He had no idea how bad she hurt. He thought things were good. He's been living in a separate reality from her.

He says he'll change, he'll do anything, to make her happy. He says his family is the most important thing to him. She doesn't believe him. She's numb. Her heart is safely in that box. He tries, she watches. He tries some more, she watches. He's dying now. She's numb. Now he wants the pain to stop. She's numb. She wonders why did things have to go this far before he would hear me ? Now she doesn't want to talk to him. She's numb. Talking to him reminds her how much she used to hurt, she can see it in his eyes now. Her survival instincts kick in, at least she doesn't hurt now. She's numb.

The only place to go from numb is anger. He tries some more, she can see he's making changes. Now comes the buried anger. The anger that she wanted to express to him for all the years past. The anger she was afraid to show. He doesn't realize, angry is better than numb. He takes her anger. For 12 months he takes her anger. Sometimes he fights back, & when he does she goes numb again.

She's so scared to take her heart out of that dusty box. Numb is so much safer. Angry is so much safer. Does he know how hard it is for her. She knew the day that her children were born, that she would give her life for them. She just didn't know it would be like this.

Sometimes he tries to push her to heal faster. She's doing her best. He wants more from her at times. She's doing her best.

Some nights, the pain returns, & she remembers, & she just can't sleep. She's not numb anymore, and the anger is going away. She doesn't know how or where, but it is. She's so scared. Numb is safer. Angry is safer. If she gives in to her fear, to her sometimes overwhelming fear, everyone will call her a Walk Away Wife. She wanted you to know.




That was 4 years ago. Now, this morning I'm laying in the darkness awake again. I go to divorce court in a few hours. So much has changed. I've changed. My kids have changed. I never wanted to be divorced. I wanted my family intact. I wanted my kids to have their dad in the same house. I grew up without a father, I never wanted theirs to be absent. But.......their dad made his own choices.



He was more absent when he lived in this house. Now that he's in an apartment, when he's with them, he's sometimes actually with them. He talks to them more. He is more involved in their lives. He's taken them to dinner alone & had conversations with them that I begged him to have for years. He has taken them to doctor appointments, and been involved in getting them to and from activities. He went shopping for a Christmas tree with them the other day, he put up Christmas decorations with them. He never did that when he lived here with us. I did everything with the kids. He worked. He escaped into work. He chose not to be involved with me or the kids. He chose work.

Now that I've filed for divorce, he says he can't get a job. He's being a "consultant" and making $1500 a month, so he says he can't pay spousal support. His choice.

I was a stay at home mom for 15 years. I went out and found a job in 3 months. He has worked and made $100 K a year for the last 3 years, but now he can't find a job. His choice. I'm now a working single mom. Something I never wanted, but now I have choices.

When he and I were together, I didn't have choices. He was controlling, domineering, chauvanistic, emotionally and verbally abusive. He was withdrawn, silent, cold, and disconnected. He worked. I asked him to talk to me, compromise, take turns. He refused.

Now I have choices. I'm emotionally & psychologically safe in my own home. I'm rediscovering myself. I'm finding out that I am capable, smart, strong, and confident.

I am a kite who was meant to soar. He was an anchor. He was insecure and afraid that I would soar, so he beat me down. Verbally, emotionally, and psychologically.

I'm soaring now. I ran a half marathon two weeks ago. If I would have told him I wanted to do something like that, he would have made it sound stupid for me to even try. I didn't tell anyone, I just did it. For me, for my new self. My stronger independent self.

I was oppressed for many years of my marriage. Not at first. It started slow, gradual. He tested my boundaries to see how far he could push me. I pushed back at first, then after years of pushing, I grew tired, and stopped pushing. I let him push me further and further away from who I was meant to be.

Now.......I am finding who I was meant to be. It's stressful and anxiety ridden at times. I worry about the kids, money, what will happen in a few hours when we go before the judge and dissolve this union. But, I have no regrets. I do not want to be with this man. I would spend the rest of my life alone, broke and safe to be free of his oppression, control, manipulation, and abuse.

You may ask why I share this. I'm hoping....praying that some men/women who are controlling and oppressive and pushing their families away, will read this and wake up and change........before it's too late for their family.

Yes I walked away from my marriage, but only because that relationship was destroying me.
---------------------------------

Hope this helps

V

So Sadhub

I see anger as a good sign in a WAW sitch

V

Thank you V!

I had read this previously and it was good to read again. When I read it the first time, I thought to myself that I wished that I would have read it years prior. It does hurt, because inadvertently I know that I pushed her away emotionally and withdrew and so many other poor behaviors that were more to protect my emotions from the stresses and challenges in life and at home, but I was deaf to hearing her needs while we weathered the challenges.

So as I read this again, I focused on how the husband made changes, but they may not have been lasting changes as 4 years down the road, the WAW is convinced that D and moving on is the best option. Is that a sound observation?

Did the husband in the story fail to make permanent the changes that may have softened the wife's heart, or when she left, was it over for good at that point?

I know a lot of "what ifs" with my questions and I am sure I sound if I still just want a solution and to know that I can bring my family back together even if it takes some time I know that I can not make that decision, only hope to influence it in a positive manner. But the truth is, I am in a place that I want to be better, and my goal is to go that direction, because it was my journey for the past several years as I tried to pull out of my fog, but I am not sure if it is just for me, or for her.

I ramble on as the heart is all over the place. But thank you for continuing to support and share with me V.

It will click in my head I know it will.

Hi V,

Any thoughts on how to weather the anger, maintain my cool, and potentially avoid making that anger worse?

V,

This is a great post. I can now relate to my W and how I made her feel. The difference is she is WW. She takes action immediately.

When I was willing to sacrifice everything to move to Toronto to co-parent she was happy. The problem is that I don't want her cake eating. I can continue to detach from her even there but it is very difficult for me to sacrifice half my income and move to a different city that costs more. I know logic does not work with W at this time.

I guess I will end up with a D and continue to improve/change and see if sometime down the road she will be attracted to me again. Who knows?

Thank you Irish for the support.

You are so right about V. She has been a very stabilizing voice and influence for me and others.

It takes time, and patience SadHub. Just keep your head up, and try to focus on you.

I agree with GWH.

Change in you must be for now and as needed for the future. You change your core, you connect to your higher power and it must be for the better. That is the smaller step.

The next step and the true development of self is shift not change. It is the development of spirit, I have noticed that those who have this shift have the charisma needed for life and love. They are the better for it.

They are developing as lovers, spouses, friends and above all parents. They become leaders in their lives. Beyond their R. Repair of an M is only one aspect, the repair of self, the healing of self, to become the best that you can be as a life long process. They make shift, sometimes small to start and then there are pivot points when leaps are made. I see that sadhub is capable of great shift, change can be undone, shift is forever. The H in the passage made change which unravelled, his soul did not connect. He made change and not shift. He spent much of his M invalidating his WAW whilst experience ting his own to be met, he repaired his M temporarily and that very temporary repair was the biggest invalidation of his WAW. He changed back. Taking a spouse for granted, treating them with disrespect is invalidating their very existence and shift will humble us to validation.

In shift, once you know then you can not unknow. You can fail to use the tools and with shift your higher power will get you back on track.

This takes us to love, the capability and purity of love that comes from the developed self.

You ask me how you deal with W anger, the answer is with compassion and love. Validate the anger, validate the feeling, allow her to work it. Validate with the love of your higher power. Allow that to make you strong enough to detach. Validation includes knowing your strong boundaries and applying them whilst acknowledging your W anger. Validation rejects the blame whilst acknowledging Ws right to be angry.


Validation is needed often because the other has been invalidated as the H in the passage did. I read spouses validating whilst also invalidating. To validate you will also need to cease invalidating. There are words validating and body language and behaviour invalidating. Telling another how they should or should not think feel or behave is invalidating, ignoring their needs is invalidating. Validation is difficult if not impossible if you are attached. Let go of being driven by your W emotions, let your own guide you from a place of peace.
Keep calm, grace under fire, get out of the way.

Accept your share of it, no more nor less, clean up the mess your monkeys have made in your circus. Let W deal with hers.

To be strong and firm when W is abusive or angry. Your boundaries will be strong, you are a man and a H worth being with.

I have developed this philosophy of spending 10% of my time and money working on developing myself. There was a huge backlog of work which has been painful to do. Do not avoid that pain as you do the work because some of the soul work will dig deep. Walk to the pain and shift.

Accept your feelings, expect anger in yourself, it is good to use as a driving force.

Get on with your life and live as well as you can. This is for your life and all your Rs for your life and beyond. The rewards are great indeed, the discovery of yourself and the authentic self will be the greatest gift you can share.

Part of that love is to love yourself. I still love my WH and today I love me more than to be treated with the anger and blame. Today I could deal with my WH so much better than I did then and I have no desire to repeat. I know that lesson is learned.

That might not to be answer you would like.

Much of the golden rule is to STFU except to validate feelings.

Never validate when you can not agree with behaviour, you can say "that's tough on you" and "I can see you are angry and I hear your complaint. I do not agree that I am an x y or z."

There is a technique called fogging that may help if you Google it.

My thoughts I hope they are of assistance

V