Hi Dbers - Seeking some advice this week re: since H walked out April 8 have not seen eachother. Only a couple emails. I followed my DB coaches advice re: tone on emails. Both messages from my H this weekend were kind, sweet tone, misses our house and our dog, and has proposed - WAY sooner than I'd imagined, coming back to live in our house and I'll live in our guest house for the moment. He has NO idea how I am doing. Trust me, he would assume I am miserable, hysterical, crying, upset and will start clinging the moment he's within throwing distance of me. Boy, does he have a surprise coming! I am very excited about this idea, but also, hesitant to get too excited as he may still want to break up and that is not what I have in mind at all. He wanted to come back yesterday but I set a boundary and said I'd let him know this week when he could. Any words of wisdom on how to handle this once he is back at our house? This is a man who went from saying he's DONE 3 weeks ago to saying in an email 'I'm glad you want to be friends'. He even called me 'reasonable'. See, I CAN be calm! Thanks for your time and thoughts!
LandC, I'm sorry for your situation - a D is rough at our age. However, it's entirely possible that your H was just really bent out of shape and is sorry.
However, DR'ing is important to start now, work on just your half. If you can get a coach here, that would be advisable. You've got the gift of time for the moment, make every second count!
Keep checking in!
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Hi Vanilla,thanks - got it! Do I have to keep the same subject line in my posts so people know it is me or can I start new subject lines with my online name? thanks!
Hi 1313 Thanks for your reply. We are a very very long way from a D and I feel the chance of it all working out is very good. I already have DB coach too. It's up to me now to get him to change his beliefs about me and as my coach said - I need to be my best self as I am competing with my H's fantasy of his 'happy' new single life. trust me, he is NOT meant to be single and I know that is not what he wants in his heart. I am the one at the moment who has had a lot of time alone in last couple weeks while he has been staying with friends and working a very stressful job. While not usually patient, I intend on being VERY patient with this situation. Thankfully I never engaged in ANY pursuing behaviors after he left and I am now reaping the benefits. I have a strong feeling he is getting very curious about what I'm thinking! Thanks for your post.
LandC, sounds like you're doing everything I wish I had done months ago. I'm sure he is wondering just how you're living without him, and doubting himself. I'm glad you got a coach and taking advantage of your time. Good luck!
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Hi yes, the funny bit is, when he emailed me yesterday about coming back to live in the house (me in guest house, not really, more like our 'shack') I thought, yeah, I want him to come home, but not TODAY. Now I need more time to get my act together on a couple fronts, and it felt really good to not be the one jumping through hoops to make his life more comfortable right now. I adore him and love him but am definitely using this time to rearrange the balance of power in the pursuer/distancer relationship. Started reading your thread - a lot to take in. wow. this all only started for me less than 3 weeks ago. I can't even imagine the stress of some of the stories I read here. How are you?
LandC- Help Sandi re: Husband wants to come back... Experienced DBers out there? Hey DBers - Ok, so I need some advice. I do have a DB coach but can't use him for everything as really can't afford it right now. We have a house and a guest house. Very limited financial resources at the moment. Husband left after a fight April 8 and is staying w friends. He asked me via email this past Sunday about coming back, he would live in house and me in guest house.
The funny part is I'd already thought of this idea but had not proposed it myself. He is psychic! Anyhow - just starting to feel centered and in control of my emotions etc and realizing all the internal work I need to do on myself and my behaviors (codependency issues etc) I love the idea of him coming back so I can start showing him my changed behaviors etc. and my GAL activities etc. He is the one who said he is 'DONE' etc and can we be friends bla bla bla 3 weeks ago.
He has NO idea at the moment how I am feeling or doing etc.
Question- please advise on how to best play this awesome opportunity to be in each other's vicinity but not in same house.
My inclination is we need to rebuild our friendship. He totally expects me to be the pursuer, want to 'talk' about the M etc. The truth is, I want to wait and be around each other a bit before I even want to talk about it. I am not ready. I don't think I could handle it now if he came back and continued insisting that we break up.
He has no idea I am doing this DB work etc. of course!
Any thoughts on this very appreciated.
We are classic dismissive avoidant/anxious pursuer and that is our interaction that gets us in trouble. In my dreams we do Emotional Focused therapy once there is a willingness to consider staying together on his part.
I am willing to be VERY patient. THANKSSSSSSSSSSSS
