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Hi Scrant- sounds like your W is getting pretty frustrated with the situation with your S - and she's looking everywhere but at her own situation for someone to blame or fix it. It's a symptom of fog I think. She's looking at your S and feeling he should be more receptive. She's looking at you and feeling you should pave the way more. However, she isn't choosing to look at her own situation with OM and recognise the impact that has had.

The only thing I would watch out for in the convo you describe is putting too much on your S. Actually, regardless of how your S may feel, it wouldn't work for you having her over for a cosy dinner once a week. And I think it's perfectly fine to tell her that - Hey W, given all circumstances, that's not going to work for me.

I think (as Sandy said) there's no harm being a little more upfront with your W. Still pleasant toned, but specific about what does and doesn't work for you now.

Hope this helps a little and take care xx

Thanks for the advice. I've been thinking along those lines today. We went out for a trip with three other couples and their exchange kids today. We spent half the day with jokey texts which W will have seen as she has chosen to stay in the text group. we had a fun day and this evening one of the mums sent a video where we all appear ( she'll notice I was wearing a new jumper!) having fun. W will have it which must be hard to take. I spoke to S today and he is clear that he doesn't want W involved. I'll back him up but also make it clear that it doesn't work for me either.

You just said you wouldn't let her manipulate you. Now she's invited to your activity and she wants YOU to have her over once a week for dinner.

It is her job to work things out with son. And, she should do in on her own. She caused this mess, now it is her job to clean it up! Why are you caving to her bullying tactics?

Sandi I expressed it badly. She didn't come on the trip.

The We was S and I. We've also made it clear that the dinner idea is a non starter.

Hi Scrant, sounds like you guys had a good day with the exchange programme. Yes, it must be hard on your W to see the outputs from that...

I always think aspects like this (a Mum not being involved in events like this and still not 'turning back') does show how broken some of these WAS's are. If you are in a good place within yourself, I don't believe you would ever make such a choice because that is too much to give up.

Anyway, it is good to get to a place where you are not even thinking - did she see this or that - but that does take time of course and I think you are on the right track. Just bear in mind, the less you do 'with reference' to her and the more you do because it suits you, the better.

Hope you have a good week my friend x

Collected S to take him home for lunch with his exchange student. He pulled a face and showed me a text from W. She was asking him if she could come around this evening to our house to cook for us and get to know the exchange student. He said no. A friend suggested it was time I told her a few home truths. I don't know how to make the message any clearer after talking to her on Saturday. Any conversation which involves her R, along the lines of until things change we don't want you in our lives, sound a bit like threats to me. I don't know why she still thinks we are a family and nothing has changed when we have only been together for S's birthday and no more in six months. I don't text except for things about S or finance. We have only met twice since January. She doesn't seem to face the consequences of her actions and I don't think it is my role to tell her. Surely she has to realise it for herself or she'll resent me as the messenger?

I guess she may feel she fired 'you' but not her S - and is looking for ways to be more involved with him - but of course he is of an age and is reluctant. Maybe she feels if she can come and cook, he's a captive audience.

Of course I can understand that her coming to cook may well not work for you, given all circumstances. So, you may want to be straight with her.

W, S showed me your text and I need to let you know that cooking family dinner for us really won't work for me given all circumstances. I'm sorry if you're feeling raw about things and do take care.

Maybe wait for others to chime in though - I'm no expert... x

Found myself caught in the middle today. S texted his Mum to say that I was going take him and his exchange girl to basketball training as I had to do some jobs nearby. It wasn't true and I didn't know. Of course W fired off an angry text saying could I not leave her the only 5 minutes she has? I spoke to S to ask him could he not give her the time. He was angry because he said he had texted W to say that while his exchange was here he didn't want to see her but next week he would. I texted W simply saying give him time. S later agreed to see her. I told him that he didn't have to make any other plans but to try to be nice. I don't think I could do more. Hopefully it might calm things for a while. As for W and I, NC continues. No idea what her life is like just get to listen to her complaints about S

Well the exchange is over W didn't get to see the student and hardly saw S. Things move on as W's mother is ill in hospital. She texted me to explain the problem and to say that she's worried about her dad. I've been texting her dad throughout the day to express my love and support. I texted her saying I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. Older people need time to recover and I'm sure the hospital will look after her. S and I have been in touch with your Mum and Dad over the last few days. Look after yourself and, although it is diffficult, try not to worry too much. She's texted back saying thanks and she's hoping to see her Mum in the next few days so could I lend her our car for the long journey? She then said if S and I wanted to come we were welcome. No mention of OM going, she knows I would never go anywhere he is so I assume he's not going. I can't possibly go and S won't want to. The whole situation feels so weird, I can't support W emotionally as I would like as she's with OM now.We have 25 years of history and it feels horrible just texting each other. Don't see what I can do really, ordinarily I would have said no to the car but given the circumstances... Just feel strange and frustrated by everything. Before all this happened I was about to text W to explain finances and remind her of her contributions as finallly after 6 months she has to start to contribute to Son's life. It will come as a shock as she has never lived modestly. Obviously I won't for the moment. Times like these I really hate the OM. Not sure how to respond, so much I'd like to do and say but I can't. Feeling really sad that I can't support W as I would have in the past but that's his job now.