Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is it really possible to remain friends??

So it sounds like you didn't want to be submissive anymore.

And rather than try to work that out, your solution, and his too, was to separate.

Do I have this part correct?

Were there other issues?

I think it's possible to be friends with your ex. I'm not sure if this is something that is good though.

What do you imagine it would look like if you 2 were just friends? Are you able to look at him and not think about romance or love? Is he the kind of friend you would like to have in your life?

I definitely don't think you should be friends now with the hopes to be more in the future. That's certainly going to cause pain in the long run.

Hi all,
H's birthday is approaching and not sure whether I should send him a Happy Birthday email as he did me last month - or not?

I'm trying to do the 180 to give us both a bit of space. Seperated August last year. I am the WAS. We have had a bit of friendly contact over the last few months but nothing for about 3 weeks now. Not sure what will happen in the future but am GAL now.

I don't want to hurt his feelings by not sending him at least an aknowledgement of his birthday but am unsure!

Your thoughts?

I would not send it.
I would not worry about hurting his feelings.

It is unlikely that he will even remember a while down the road what you did.
So if you are trying to give him space - then DO THAT.

This just sounds like temperature checking and you would be better off letting him do that.

Also please stick to one thread until 100 posts.

Threads merged.

Thanks - I think you are right. ☺ Will let the future unfold in its own time.

Hi Robbity,

Your story intrigues me bc it gives me a glimpse as to whats happening on the other side as my H left in August of last year also. I agree with you that we have to let things unfold in its own time, no matter how hard that is.

But, I'm a bit confused by Cadet's reaction to your question about your H's bday. Conventional DB wisdom, usually geared toward the LBS tells us to give the WAS space and allow you (WAS), to temp check and initiate instead of letting the him (LBS) do that.

And I'm also a bit concerned with the advice about not worrying about his feelings and that he probably won't remember what you did down the road anyway. As an LBS whose bday just passed, H reached out to me to temp check and ask what I was doing and that kind of let me know he has a heart and is thinking about me and knows how special it is to spend those days with him (we also went out to dinner at another one of our favorite places back in Oct. for his bday). Although it took a slight nudge to let him know that I was open to the idea, he ultimately did come over and take me out for dinner and we had a delicious time. Yet, like you, he is still unsure of what he wants to do and thus, the limbo. I think you're worried about giving him the wrong impression or toying with his emotions, just like my H.

Not sure what your H's deal is but we LBS's are constantly on pins and needles when we react to you so please keep this mind. And it seems like you're in a unique position where you are both the WAS and the LBS....

I may have made an error in my advice as I was merging this thread with the main thread and did not go back and read the whole story over.

I understand where HopeRB is coming from as my advice was more geared towards an LBS and MLC spouse.
Someone in MLC is unlikely to remember things that happened during that time period.
So kind of emphazises why it is important to stick with one thread and not start new ones.

I still think that the best course of action is for Robbity to figure out why she is a WAS and what she can do to FIX herself.
When that part is complete then it will be better to work on a new relationship.
Not now.

I don't think sending a happy birthday message will have much effect one way or the other.

Robbity

You sound very confused. Have you read any books that are pro marriage? If not, I am sure many of us can recommend some.

Basically, it is my feeling that you can find research out there to support any decision you WANT to make based on boredom, hurt feelings, frusturation, anger etc.. But someone making an important life changing decision should contemplate ideas, and arguments from every which side before rushing into a decision...especially one as monumental as leaving a marriage.

Marriage is not easy. It involves two people with different ideas and backgrounds navigating through the stresses of life together. But it is something you committed to through better or worse.

My husband walked away from me and young child because he could not handle the stress of life and marriage. He vilified me in order to justify breaking a commitment. Was i perfect? Hell no. Did I nag and complain and get lazy with house work? yes. Because I am human and flawed. Just like your husband. Just like everyone. My husband was certainly not easy to deal with. I have a memory like an elephant. I can come up with a list of things he did and said I was unhappy with from the time we were dating! I am positive you had a lot of flaws your husband was unhappy about too.

What did you expect in a marriage? How could you have worked together to improve your marriage?

Right now, as the LBS this is what I think....

I would be reluctant to get back with WAH. Not because of the things he said or did throughout our marriage but because he has proved to me that he is not a committed person. he left me and 5 year old when times got hard. Life is guaranteed to get hard. People get sick, lose jobs, lose parents, get in bad moods. The list goes on and on. So knowing this, means knowing that if I am not perfect, he will just leave again because that is what he does.

I think right now, maybe you should reflect on marriage and commitment and what you are honestly capable of. And perhaps evaluate your own contributions to the marital demise. Instead of waiting for him to show you how he has changed.

I am not trying to come across harshly. The fact that you are on these forums is really a great step and shows how much you are willing to learn and reflect. I hope it is not too late for either of you.

Can you perhaps give us a list of positive things about your husband? What did you like about him? What did he like about you? What would he say your flaws were?

I hope you keep posting.

Yes you can be friends with your ex if that's what you want. As far as MLC, I don't think you had a MLC, your requests were reasonable. It seems like he is also going through some emotional ups and downs and probably will be for awhile. Separation is hard on both parties. Take care of you and take the time to reflect and really think about what it is you want, how you want to live and what you want your MR to look like.