My WW is committed to the marriage and does not want me to give up on her and us.
She said that she cannot build the trust again, i need to, but she will be honest with me from now on. I was never an insecure person, but in this first case she made me someone else, i don't like that person and hope to never see him again. I was very lucky that this was just an infatuation and the OP turned her away. I cannot say that i was blessed, because I believe that we are all blessed, we sometimes just cannot see it.
It should be easy to get the R back, and counselling is scheduled every week indefinitely.
She is definitely out of the fog, is thinking clearly and understands that she is a married woman that lost control, and should not have. I need to make sure that i do not "avenge" her, and i will try my best.
You are wrong on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin. She is not out of the fog, and this is not going to be easy. She does have to earn back your trust!
You are way too wishy-washy with everything. You come on board and think you can give others the secret to how to save the M with a WW, and by the next day you see it's not quite that simple. Then, you are ready to divorce and just move on, .......and say you will just help others who have a WW willing to stay. But wait....b/c in the snap of your fingers....she's out of the fog and willing to go to counseling (but I thought you were already in counseling) and you are saying this should be easy and will be fixed soon.
Well, I am sorry for what I think is in store for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My WW is committed to the marriage and does not want me to give up on her and us.
She said that she cannot build the trust again, i need to, but she will be honest with me from now on. I was never an insecure person, but in this first case she made me someone else, i don't like that person and hope to never see him again. I was very lucky that this was just an infatuation and the OP turned her away. I cannot say that i was blessed, because I believe that we are all blessed, we sometimes just cannot see it.
It should be easy to get the R back, and counselling is scheduled every week indefinitely.
She is definitely out of the fog, is thinking clearly and understands that she is a married woman that lost control, and should not have. I need to make sure that i do not "avenge" her, and i will try my best.
The part I bolded is something that you two will definitely have to work on and resolve or else you'll end up wondering and that will turn to resentment.
Ask her, what if he hadn't turned you away? What if he wanted you to leave and be with him? Then what? Would she have left? Are you plan B because that fell through? What about when the next guy comes along? These are things that have to be really dealt with or these questions will fester and sabotage recovery. You have to try and get all festering questions resolved (not right away, there are no deadlines unless you impose them). Basically souls need to be bared to each other and ALL cards have to be on the table. Nothing held back, no secrets of any kind. No unanswered questions. No rug sweeping.
@all of you - thank you as always for making me question my reality, I have always been naive and need a kick up the butt, it appears, everyday.
So why do i think she's out of the fog: -She is warm to me, and not in a state of confusion anymore. - She says that the turnaround came when i said i could not trust her and she says that she wants to rebuild the trust. - She says she is committed to us and will continue to go for couples counselling (we went last week, but i'm hoping that in a few months she can go on her own, if she wants to). - from what she says and i can gauge, she has not chatted to him since Sunday, and she is definitely not chatting with him when she gets home anymore.
So why do i think she's NOT out of the fog: - I am certain that I am plan B, after careful consideration, she stated "how can I have a relationship with him, he's in another city, when would i see him, every second month?" - She says that she still wants to see him at the end of this month for lunch, just to obtain closure. She says that I can trust her.
Okay, so what do i do now? Do i "push" her back into the fog and attach, or do i continue to detach and see what's happening?
@Sandi2 - how will i ever know that she is really out of the fog?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
""yesterday, you said - "i was thinking what type of relationship i would have with him, he's in joburg, i'm in cape town. I would see him every second month. that wouldn't work"
This makes me question your commitment and remorse for your actions. I am plan B. You can fight it, but i am. It's much easier to come back to me, than to leave me. You are just buying time until the next bombdrop.
also, you say that you want to meet him again to obtain closure. i need to be honest with you and that is not a way for you to rebuild my trust.
If you want to regain my trust, i need you to be honest, with yourself first, and then me.""
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I appreciate your comments on my thread DDJ and am just catching up on yours but I have to agree with Sandi and others. I made the mistake last year of allowing her back way too easily and I'm in a much worse position now. I got told how she wanted to be commited to me, that she would remove the OM but she wasn't able to and didn't do the work she needed to do. I did and didn't trust her and handled it wrong, I wish I had of found this board a year ago, maybe I would be in a different place right now. The problems that made it arise for her were never fixed or sorted, I didn't learnt that things about me that I needed to put right, I was in my own fog and didn't get it right. There is a good chance I'm to late but listen to people here, don't go it alone as I did.
yes, that is going to be my biggest problem. So i think that i have gotten her half-way out of the fog... which is still in the fog i must add.
I stated previously that i'm an identical twin and have severe attachment problems. It was very easy for my WW to attach as I would just then do everything to make things work, and she could then do nothing.
My WW no longer wants a divorce, and i believe her. However, i don't want my WW back, so now is the perfect opportunity to have a separation. It is now my terms, and she says that "she'll wait for me". I guess when i stated "that i need her to grovel", i never meant it physically - i meant with her heart, all of it.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
So why do i think she's out of the fog: -She is warm to me, and not in a state of confusion anymore. - She says that the turnaround came when i said i could not trust her and she says that she wants to rebuild the trust. - She says she is committed to us and will continue to go for couples counselling (we went last week, but i'm hoping that in a few months she can go on her own, if she wants to). - from what she says and i can gauge, she has not chatted to him since Sunday, and she is definitely not chatting with him when she gets home anymore.
So why do i think she's NOT out of the fog: - I am certain that I am plan B, after careful consideration, she stated "how can I have a relationship with him, he's in another city, when would i see him, every second month?" - She says that she still wants to see him at the end of this month for lunch, just to obtain closure. She says that I can trust her.
Have you checked out rule 32 lately?
Originally Posted By: DDJ
Okay, so what do i do now? Do i "push" her back into the fog and attach, or do i continue to detach and see what's happening?
You calm the [censored] down and chill the [censored] out for a few days. You keep texting these grand proclamations, but they change with the day based on what she says and what she does. Can you just exist for a few days without having a relationship talk?
Stop trying to push and pull HER. Focus back on you. Where is the great life you were talking about making for yourself? Start working on building that. Let her figure out her own [censored].
Im going to level with you, you are less than 4 weeks into this. Settle in; this is not going to be quick or easy. This is a many months/years endeavor. Patient. Consistent. Logical. Rational. Thats what you need to be.
""yesterday, you said - "i was thinking what type of relationship i would have with him, he's in joburg, i'm in cape town. I would see him every second month. that wouldn't work"
This makes me question your commitment and remorse for your actions. I am plan B. You can fight it, but i am. It's much easier to come back to me, than to leave me. You are just buying time until the next bombdrop. What is your goal in telling her this? All it does is reinforce this. It isnt going to suddenly turn you into Plan A...
also, you say that you want to meet him again to obtain closure. i need to be honest with you and that is not a way for you to rebuild my trust.
If you want to regain my trust, i need you to be honest, with yourself first, and then me."" Now is not the time to tell her what you need. She doesnt give a [censored] about your needs. You are Plan B, remember?
Please. Stop sending these texts. They are NOT helping you.
So i think that i have gotten her half-way out of the fog...
Stop trying to frame all of your actions around trying to get some kind of reaction from her! YOU didnt get her moving toward you. She is making her own decisions from her own reference view. What you see as coming out of the fog is probably her looking out for herself. Now she doesnt want a divorce because of ABC, but she hasnt changed her inner desires, her inner rebelliousness. She wants convenience, protection, security. Once OM can offer those, do you think she will stay?
