Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Getting out of in house S (9)

Hey Vise. 2x4 coming...

There was a lot of mind reading in your last post. You are even speculating about what your ILs are thinking. Forget about it. Stop speculating about peoples motives and intentions. As I have said before, you are expending a lot of energy trying to control things that are beyond your control. Stop thinking about the wedding. Just stop. If you get an invitation tomorrow - great. But you need to move on. The wedding is in the future, your mind is in the past. Virtually none of you is in the present. You are analyzing all your relationships. It is what it is. Get over it. You need to focus on you. I fear you are using the wedding as a distraction to avoid the really important and difficult task of looking inside yourself and seeing who you are and who you want to be. The wedding will come and go, but you will still be there. Stop perseverating and get busy living.Fk the wedding.

Have you seen the following equation?

SW^3=N

It is a formula that all truly successful people, especially in sales, follow.

RAI

Hey OTW,

I dont know what to think. Your saying I want to go for the wrong reasons?

It does bother me that I am not closer to some of her family.

So seen the lawyer and before I go W is asking me to let her know when I was done as she wanted us to go get some groceries and eat out with the Kids.

I reply back ok but the lawyer will be a couple of hours.

So I am going to go sign a S agreement for us to be S and she wants to go out together. Very confusing.

Lawyer was three hours. Lawyer wanted to make changes here and there, no changes to the ideas just changes like adding days notice and specifics to holidays.

I get home and tell W. She is mad. Yells and argues that It should be easy. I show up I sign.

I said I am not arguing as the kids can hear. She tells me to put the kids to bed fast and get down here so we can talk. I said I am not talking to you, you need time to cool down, you want to rip someone's head off.

So we talk, she is crying and saying she is getting screwed, She need the separation agreement signed to move foreword with her house she bought. She has agreed to buy the place before the S agreement was sign against the advice of her lawyer.

So she thinks everything is falling apart and she did so much to make sure I was OK with the S and now it biting her in the behind. All this as she is crying.

I just told her I have been to a lawyer, they want to make changes, there is nothing I can do.

So I email her info from the lawyer today and add: I am sorry to have added to your stress. To see you cry and not to be able to comfort you is painful. I know we can get through this OK.

She replies back thanks, I just want this part done, then goes on to say what happed with my lawyer is what she was afraid was going to happen. She thinks my lawyer is just making the changes to get paid more.

Then said she is dreading telling her parents. This will cause them more stress and with her brothers wedding soon she is giving them pain when they should be happy.

I am thinking that sums it up right there. Through the MR she has always been more concerned of her parents , grandparents, brother , then Me and the kids, our family. That response just shows it. This is one of the reasons she asked for S. She has been to focused on everyone else and she needed time to look after herself.

Why tell me about your parents? Because she doesn't care about me. She is talking to me, it would be the time to say anything the was for me or the pain that we are going through. But no its about her brothers wedding and her parents.

Hey RAI,

Yes you are right that was a lot of mind reading and speculating as I was trying to answer OTW question of why I am so hung up on this wedding.

From his perspective it because I am worried about OM and W moving on.

What ever the reason I am her to save the MR. I am doing that because for my kids they deserve to have both parents together. I chose to stick by my decision to marry this woman. And because I think the problems we have fixable. And lastly is because I do love my W. The mind says one thing and heart says another right now.

As the time goes on I am less attached. My emotions are not running away like they used to. I feel more OK. I realize what is happening and I know I will be ok. A big part of that is knowing that I have a place to live to call my new home.

Also a big part of that is this forum. So thank you to all that have helped me.

I did not know that equation, googled it and it means Some Will Some Wont so what - Next.

Vise,

I am going to sum this up nice and easy for you.

Your ego.

This is an excuse. You are still trying to control your W and make her come back. I have made the same excuses and employed the same methods. you know very well that an "intact" family with a broken MR is worse for your kids. You cannot, nor should you be trying to, make your W come back. You should be working on you, but you are not making the effort. It is much easier to wallow in self-pity (been there, believe me) and continue to analyze what is going wrong. You are letting yourself do this because it is the path of least resistance. The problem is that it helps no one (least of all you), it is eating up valuable time, and it keeps you from moving forward and becoming a better you. Stop blaming everyone else for your current woes and stop pitying yourself, you will feel much better. You have a choice in how you spend your day. You are wasting your time trying to figure out why you were not invited, how to get invited, what the hosts think about you. Stop. Just stop. Remember the formula:

SW^3=N

You need someone IRL, perhaps your estranged brother, perhaps a psychologist, to help you snap out of it. My sister (G-d bless her) never lets me dwell on the "whys" and "wherefores" anymore, and thank goodness for that.

If you want to see how counter-intuitive DB is, check out LiM's thread. I have not been back for a few days, but in brief, as soon as he filed for D, his wife snapped out her her fog. Would you have the b*lls to do that? Not that I am suggesting you should, but anything would be better than this analysis paralysis.

RAI

Hey RAI,

Yes It does hurt my ego not being invited to the wedding. That may be part of the answer for me. I do know one thing that it helps me to talk about it here rather then to my W. It is not bothering me as much the more I talk about it.

Yes I too see that I am sliding with the doing things for me as I move forward. I am having it hard to have the energy to get motivated. I kind of feel stuck. I do have a focus now that I talked to my lawyer. I need to get some things together and I am getting a voice in this S. Even if its through my L. W is not happy right now. She is not in control.

I do have a choice and I do tend to take the easy route and do nothing. Time is wasting. I need to pack and get lists in order for the move. The hard one for me is I need to face what I should keep and throw away.

I have followed LiM's thread. He took swift and hard action. There was no hesitation no back and forth. Good for him. and even better that is has worked out for him.

Would I file for D. My brain says yes, my heart says no. My brain say get away from her while you have the chance. My heart cant do it. Not right now. I need to get through thease couple of months before the move, get settled in my new place.

I do feel like I am in a fog sometimes, that this is not happening.

Actually, there is very good evidence from psychology research that talking about your problems is only helpful up to a point. Beyond this, it actually detrimental and keeps your focused on the problem. There will always be someone here to listen and you should never feel ashamed to come here, but I am not sure it is helping you get anything done and it is keeping you focused on the wrong things. You are in a rut because you are choosing to remain in a rut (as you acknowledged). Why not do one thing towards packing? Put one item into a box. Begin a pile of things you will be taking. The time you use to talk about things could instead be spent taking positive steps to ameliorate your sitch. I get your need to procrastinate - heck, I am doing it right now - this is all very unpleasant, but the work ain't going to do itself.

Do one thing right now. You will feel good about it. I promise.

It hits me like a 2x4 every day.

RAI

Vise, I just wanted to share an insight I have had in the last few days. I know my marriage was struggling 1 1/2 years ago. My wife BD me 15 months ago. I was suffering from anxiety, mild depression and co-dependency. This past Sunday my wife said she wanted a divorce and was not interested in MC. I was really sad Sunday night and Monday morning. The funny thing is that I feel relieved now. I am sad but stress free. The worst is over. The sword of Damocles has been removed.

My point is not to tell my tale of woe, it is to say that the feelings your working through will not have to be done a second time. Everything you have worked through will make it easier for you later if you path includes divorce. You will have the same feelings but will fast forward through them. I hope you find peace, be well

Hey RAI and Mutatio

I did reply to you but I don't see it on here. Thank you for your support.

I took to heart the too much talking about my problems and took a break from this site. I seem to agree it was my focus. Seemed to help me with not posting for a while.

I will just go through some events.

My Lawyer is taking there time with the S agreement and W is not a happy person not being in control of it.

W owes me money from tax return. I have asked for it and W has not given it to me in a month so I stopped giving her money. Last night she gave me credit for half now and the rest later.

Having dinner at home as a family and S7 is acting out, W tells him to sit and as we are a family and we are eating together. I almost choked on my food. Since when does she care if we are together?

I get a call and wife asks who was calling me. It was a telemarketer. Didn't answer her.

W calls me to bathroom and she is just wearing a towel and talks to me about nothing that could have been texted to me.

Kid in my sons class lives aground the corner and she talked to me at his school. She shows up at our house and is talking to me and W are outside, wife puts herself in front of me and takes over the conversation. Other woman kid says that she goes to dads house every other weekend. W turns super nice toward woman.



I know all means nothing. Still observe from a distance.

Correct, means nothing. Just as a comment from my own history, I know if I feel the need to mention all her actions deep down I'm also expecting it to mean something. Everytime I made a list of confusing or even insignificant events on these forums I hoped someone would point out a huge positive I overlooked.

I won't say stop looking for the positives but understand even if you see some HUGE positives, it may mean nothing to the outcome.

So, enough about W. Shift gears and make the posts more about you, not her or what she's doing or how she reacts to what you're doing, or how she reacts to the neighbors kid.

What is Vise doing to take care of himself this week? What could you be doing to grow but are avoiding because your mind is stuck on W and the sitch.

I know this is hard but the center of the universe is W right now and it will continue to be W until you do something about it. That's not a healthy place to be and you want to move forward away from that place.

Actions and behaviors are what will get you through this, not thinking.

Hey,

For me I was able to get some credit to start rebuilding my credit now.

Not much about me, busy with work and the kids.

So yesterday I text W as I have to be on call for work and need her around incase I get called in.

She replies that she wants us to go get helmets for the kids. I agree. Then she texts back later that her best friend wants to meet us at the kids park. I said sure.

SO I go and the whole time I am thinking this is different as this is the friend that was trying to get her husbands best friend to sleep with my W. I was feeling like not going.

On the way I am thinking the worst like some sort of intervention with them trying to knock some sense in me that W has moved on. Then I thought they wouldn't do that in front of the kids.

Wasn't that, they were there , they were nice. their kid was there and we watch them play. I didn't say anything to the husband as he was there also, but smiled to him. The W best friend I have known her for years and she was nice to me and I back.

It the first time we have done anything with them since they are married. I was laid back and at first I didn't stand with them but then later I did. I made sure I looked my best.

Just wasn't sure how to act. We are S but were there with another couple. So near the end it was like how we normally do things with the kids and it was good because her friend can see that W and I do function well together. At least I think so.

No expectations. but that is a positive direction.

Cant control dreams and I have a long dream of Kissing my W last night. But it did not affect me as much.

I need to keep moving forward.