W came in at 11:40 p.m. She pushes me on the bed and says:
"Are you awake? Make sure you put what time I came home in your f***ing journal. Did you hear me? Make sure you put it in your f***ing journal."
[She then pushes me to the edge of the bed]
"Get on your f***ing side of the bed the way you make me sleep on my side. I'm too nice to make you f***ing move. You and your f***cking journal. Your a f***ing piece of sh*t. F***ing jerk. What do you want from me? You're a f***ing jerk."
I said absolutely nothing and she finally stopped. She is not well and I really expect her to turn more to OM in the near future because he is the only one who is not questioning her--and then again, maybe he is, which is why the anger is so strong right now. Well, it doesn't really matter. And as i wrote last night, as incredible as it may sound, I think I'm still very early in the game. Thanks for listening, y'all.
Merrick, Hide that journal.Are you journaling in front of her? I would make her think I had stopped journaling. And if that didn't stop the journal fits I would not say a damn thing.
Taking the steam out of a fit pitching woman is likely to get you a nastey little steam burn.
I would watch her she seems veryout of control right now.I hope she doesn't talk like that in front of the kids.
I will talk later. i justlooked at the clock and I have to leave in 5 minues to take D9 to school.I'm still in my winny the pooh jammie.I should change. Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Wow Merrick! I would think your W would be more concerned about a videotape capturing her head spinning around in complete 360's than what is written in your journal right now!
Seriously tho, Briget makes a good point about not journalling in your W's presence. I was on the recipient end where, my W would journal about how she long to be with OM while I sat in bed right next to her. The first thing that ran thru my mind was ... "Why does she have to do that in front of me?!"
Lately, your interactions with her directly have given nothing to fuel her perception that you are still the "bad" guy here, so now she turning to thinking all your "evil" is in that journal and you are just rubbing salt in the wound by writing in front of her.
Merrick, there were a couple of folks around here that even kept two journals. One which the S never saw and you can be true to place your thoughts to words and one that was a journal of daily positives only and one that can be presented to S to read if they seemed offended by your journaling.
It truely takes a deep level of perseverance to DB in the face of such intense hostility and you have handled it admirably. With your level of detachment it sounds like you're ready to raise the bar even more. Start "killing" her with kindness. Look to do thoughtful deeds in the daily routine that would make her day a little easier. Whether it be drawing the kids attention while she is involve in the midst of something else or picking up something at the store so she doesn't have to. Not saying you're not doing any of this, but doing it more and more on a consistant basis ... even becoming a daily routine ... helps remove you even further from being part of her equation of who is to blame for her unhappiness.
Keep stivin' towards making today better than yesterday, and on day the sun will start to shine thru and melt that icy exterior your W is wearing as armour.
I got hold of a computer at our DC office and need to journal while this is still fresh. Thanks again for your comments. KAW--She simply knows I keep a journal (I mentioned it once before), but I never do it in front of her.
The wild ride continued this a.m. W went to the gym at 6 am and I had a Dr.'s appt before I left town--so I was home for breakfast.
I offered to make breakfast when W got back. She snapped, "I'll do it. Just because you're here doesn't mean I don't do my job."
She then pursued me into the bathroom and asked me what my "plot" was. She could "see my wheels spinning." Then she moved into the Stepford routine. Would you like a hug? Maybe we could ; we haven't tried that in a while. When the kids go, is that what you'd like to do?
I said, I don't think that's a good idea right now (Merrick--you idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ). She asked when it would be a good time; I gave bad answer: "I don't know if it ever will be."
A few minutes later in the kitchen, she said that it was "weird" to watch me put all the affection I don't have for her into the kids. She said that this show of affection was making the kids insecure because they never saw it before.
She then inquired about the journal. "What do you write? Where I go out? With whom? What time I come home? Do you write about when you go out--because I've kept a calendar of every game you went to. She then asked if I'd like to join her, the kids, and some neighbos in NYC for dinner next week on her birthday--unlike me, who bailed out on my B-day (wrong!).
As for the journa, I felt I had to say somenting and said I write about whatever is going on in my life and how I feel. She replied, "So you can use it against me." At this, I just walked away (not a 180) and she goes, "See. Your walking away proves you have a plot, because you won't face what I have to say.
(Btw, some of this was in front of our kids).
Before I left, she then asks how are we supposed to act in front of the kids--and added her complaint about my "mantra" if she's so unhappy...(I haven't said this in seven weeks).
Then she said the oddest thing:
"You never say, 'I love you.' You haven't said this since who knows when." She then went on to how bad this is for the kids.
THAT comment really came out of left field and threw me for a loop. A thaw? A hidden message? What gives? I just let it linger.
Alas, before I got on here I saw she sent me an e-mail saying she didn't want to give the kids a miserable family and if she "could decide" to change her feelings about the M, she would, but that's not possible. More of the same.
So. Another day in paradise, but I did get to walk through the Cherry Blossoms on Capitol Hill and will see some other old buddies tonight. We'll see what happens when I get back.
I don't have much time to visit elsewhere, but your still in my thoughts and prayers.
Sounds like she is all over the place. Kind of like a hurt animal that is cornered, they are the most dangerous true. They also can choose to fight or let someone help them and be vulnerable. Usually its a little of both, more fighting at first, then vulnerability.
Sounds like to me she might be reaching out in a perverted sort of way. Maybe the ML thing or the stepford wives bit is a little of that, even if it is uncomfortable. What have you got to lose by positively responding to that? When was the last time you acted lovingly affectionate?
Hang in. Stay consistent. She sees some, but is not convinced.
As twisted as this sounds, and maybe if I were in your position it might be different, but I would be thrilled if W were ALL over the place. She is so unemotional and detached. I told someone it is like talking to the neighbor about taking care of the kids. She is so distant and says nothing about ANYTHING to do with M, R, feelings, etc.
I know it is difficult to see through her mess, but the fact she is showing emotion, anger, confusion, care is GOOD.
It sounds like things are tough in your place, but your handling it very well!! I think your W might be feeling a bit insecure about your R, because of the ILY statements not being said. It could be that she wants to know that you'll be there and still love her regardless.
Is there other ways you can show your love, other than with words? Things that you used to do, or have never done? Maybe a very small gift, like a bar of chocolate or something that means you thought of her when you when out picking up xxx? Could be a 180 of sorts.
I find that when things are getting a little stale, a 180 can work wonders, and don't forget that you can always go back if you find that it's not working!
I hope that your ok and i'm praying for you W, she sounds like she is really lost, lonely and scared at the moment.
Just met Betsey (Underdog) and Berto in DC. Gotta run to the airport, but when you think of Bestey in a thong--don't think Quasimoto with boobs-think Sharon Stone.
The first thing that ran thru my mind was ... "Why does she have to do that in front of me?!"
; we haven't tried that in a while. When the kids go, is that what you'd like to do?
