Okay, thanks for being honest and saying that you do not plan to leave your house. For me, I won't take up time trying to convince you to get away from that environment, and we can try to help you develop some type of plan for staying in the home.
I have another question I hope you will answer. Will you consider seeking a therapist for just your individual problems (co-dependency, low self-esteem, hoarding thoughts, etc.), and not get a marriage counselor? The counselor you have seen a few times is not doing anything for you and even prevented you seeing someone about cognitive therapy. So, will you just check around, do a little research and consider someone else? Oh, and do not say anything to this counselor about it. If you find a therapist, just stop going to this MC.
Next, will you make the effort to get a monthly calendar and start filling in some dates with various things to do to GAL? Look in the newspaper to see what is happening around town and maybe it's something you would want to see. You REALLY need to get out and get involved in something just for you. Personally, I don't think you need to be taking women to bars at this time, but that JMHO.
GAL is therapy. And, it is much needed in your case. It improves your mood, lifts your spirit, and helps with the self-esteem. And something else I believe helps people when they are going through a situation like yours, and that is to reach out and help someone else. Perhaps you have elderly or disabled neighbors that could use someone to do minor tasks for them. Maybe your area has a soup kitchen for the homeless. There are usually various volunteer programs for a majority of things. You may not be interested right now, but once you start giving back to those less fortunate......you come away feeling blessed. I don't know what may be available in your area or what would be something you would do. Just look around. When we really open our eyes to see others needs, we usually don't have to look far.
Before you can feel strong enough to do anything about the situation at home, you need to go to work on the one person that is holding you back. That being, YOU.
Will you put forth a genuine effort to start doing things for Ghost? You are lonely and feel unloved. So, get out of that house and start GAL. Make yourself get out there. Find a therapist to help your thinking and co-dependency. And look for a way to give back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
G, You want to write your W a letter because YOU do not wan to stop showing her love, which you don't want to stop, because you want her to reciprocate?
Yes, you would put her much farther away. MUCH. Because this is not what she wants. You are trying to get what you want from someone who doesn't want to give it to you.
You need to learn to love yourself. Yes, I get it, we all miss being loved, hugged touched, but trying to get it from someone who doesn't want to give it isn't going to make your feel loved.
I too wanted no part of moving out of the house. I stuck it out for months. To the point I was given a letter by my W lawyer to either move head with the S or W was taking me to court to move it along.
I choose to move head with the S.
So what is your plan? How far are you going to take it? Will you force your W to take it to court to get her S that she wants?
What is your plan???
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Alas he has no plan. G still hopes his W will wake up some day and come back running...
And no silver bullet in sight... Alas... So G, what are you going to do?
In the long months since you joined, there has been nothing but vague monologue from you. You had a great bunch in your corner and now it is tapering off. Because they (we) see no movement, frankly not even a genuine desire do get off your ass... Each and every post from you just contains a lot of I need to's and I realize I have to's... And it is leading you nowhere fast. And along with everybody else's you are killing your own moral as well.
Just let go, drop the god damn rope already. You will be fine without her, IMO you will do a whole hell of a lot better than you are doing at this point in time. I see no progress in you for the past few months. That just means that you are coming to a big step to a whole better place. Let go, let her the fcuck go. Why hold on to something that does not want to be held? Wanna know how you can fix your R? You can't. Your R was over at BD and she is not ready to a new R with you (if ever). So accept it and move the fcuck along.
Drop the rope, there is nothing on the other end, by holding on to it, you are just prolonging your pain, digging an even greater abyss. You literally had dozens of outstanding people (including myself) tell you the very same thing. LEt go, let the fcuck go, things get soooooooooo much better afterwards...
It's like 16 tons lifted from your chest, after long months you can actually breathe again and I do mean that quite literally.
Just take 1 god damn small step forward and not choke on your fcuckin' fear. What dafuk do you have to be afraid of?!? My friend you are living in hell for nearly a year now, do you think 5 degrees more will really matter, your flesh is already roasting. You did not do squat for you since day one. You are strying bo be super husband and then resent your W for not noticing and giving praise, even though WE ALL told you that is a doomed endevour. Did we feed you bull$[censored]? Or was there merrit to our words?
Face it, your R is gone, dead, kaputt, so what you are holding onto is an illusion, one that your W is only to eager to serve warmed up for you from time to time. You NEED TO GET OFF that roller coaster, because, you are coasting your ass to hell and people are bailing your ship (OTW), because they do not want to be dragged down as well.
From the moment I signed on, a few people saved my ass, and a few people that joined about the same time I did, saved my ass and my sanity and I vowed to give it back to others like I was. I try and lend a helping hand here and there (not nearly as much as Sandi, frankly I do not see where she draws her strength), but slowly I find myself repeating myself for the n'th time and all my words disperse in wind, leaving to visible mark on you.
So one LAST time, an abstract for you...
1. man up, stand up to your W,grow a fcuckin' pair 2. let her the fcuck go, drop the rope 3. get on with your life, you hit the snooze button for way too long... 4. go out in the real world and make some noise..
Ghost! Please!!! Listen to what everyone is telling you. You have over a thousand posts and over 8 threads, yet you are stuck in a rut and show no sign of progress. Stop wallowing in self-pity and get professional help. Accept the help we are offering here. We have no other motive except a strong desire to see you grow from, rather than get consumed by, your challenges. You have the strength to do it. You need to start making changes. Immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Although we don't know you personally, we care a lot (otherwise, we would not be posting on your thread). But only you can take the steps.
Please get help. See Sandi's post for more detail.
Hi Ghost, I agree with what others are posting and I particularly liked Sandi's post. Fair enough if you decide to stay in the house - but if you do, at least follow Sandi's advice.
Take care and keep moving forward my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Vapo has described it in primary colours for you. You need to go and get out of this mess. While you're feeding the flames of retreat for your W, there is no way to put the fire out.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Okay, thanks for being honest and saying that you do not plan to leave your house. For me, I won't take up time trying to convince you to get away from that environment, and we can try to help you develop some type of plan for staying in the home.
I have another question I hope you will answer. Will you consider seeking a therapist for just your individual problems (co-dependency, low self-esteem, hoarding thoughts, etc.), and not get a marriage counselor? The counselor you have seen a few times is not doing anything for you and even prevented you seeing someone about cognitive therapy. So, will you just check around, do a little research and consider someone else? Oh, and do not say anything to this counselor about it. If you find a therapist, just stop going to this MC.
Next, will you make the effort to get a monthly calendar and start filling in some dates with various things to do to GAL? Look in the newspaper to see what is happening around town and maybe it's something you would want to see. You REALLY need to get out and get involved in something just for you. Personally, I don't think you need to be taking women to bars at this time, but that JMHO.
GAL is therapy. And, it is much needed in your case. It improves your mood, lifts your spirit, and helps with the self-esteem. And something else I believe helps people when they are going through a situation like yours, and that is to reach out and help someone else. Perhaps you have elderly or disabled neighbors that could use someone to do minor tasks for them. Maybe your area has a soup kitchen for the homeless. There are usually various volunteer programs for a majority of things. You may not be interested right now, but once you start giving back to those less fortunate......you come away feeling blessed. I don't know what may be available in your area or what would be something you would do. Just look around. When we really open our eyes to see others needs, we usually don't have to look far.
Before you can feel strong enough to do anything about the situation at home, you need to go to work on the one person that is holding you back. That being, YOU.
Will you put forth a genuine effort to start doing things for Ghost? You are lonely and feel unloved. So, get out of that house and start GAL. Make yourself get out there. Find a therapist to help your thinking and co-dependency. And look for a way to give back.
Sandi
I will do the things you suggested thank you
Thank everyone else for suggestions I do realise only I can get self out of this
For me it is a balance see my kids every day and have a small part of my wife and the life that I had
I will move forward when I am ready
For now I will not post for a while
Thank you
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I don't want to make this sound insensitive, but.....
I completely understand you wanting to see your kids everyday. My ex dropped the bomb when our one and only was 6 months old and we separated THAT night. It was very painful to have to share custody of my infant daughter. I would have a panic attack when I woke up and she wasn't there.
My D is now 8 and what I learned is quality time with our kids is way more important that quantity. You will serve your children far better if you can get out of this fear and the state you are in and lead a more independent relaxed life. Take this from the biggest wreck there was in the first year of the mess. Your kids sense you right now. Your fear, your codependency, your insecurities, and your weakness towards your W. I would venture to say you will serve your kids better with some relief, less fear, letting go, and living independently, than seeing them everyday living the way you are.
Kids are sponges. I say this from experience. So if what is holding you back is not seeing your kids everyday, I want you to think long and hard. Do you think the state you are in is serving your kids better than you getting your life together for yourself?
