Thanks Mona. Happiness and forgiveness. I'll remember that.
Why do I believe it? Because she's saying the same things to a lot of different people, not just me. Of course I don't know what she's saying to ow, but she's not going to want to lie to all our friends and then be shown to be a liar later.
She could be saying things to *herself* that's not true. It's what people tell themselves to defend their actions and appease guilt.
Remember, believe nothing of what they say and half of what they do. It doesn't matter *who* they say it to.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
In 2014, H told *everyone* and himself that I had left and we were separated. I had gone for a few months to visit my son and take a class, and he took the opportunity to take his EA to a PA.
We were *not* separated, and he had promised he would *not* have any contact with OW while I was gone.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Until she has made the decision that she is with your marriage 100 percent and is ready and willing to do anything and everything it takes to make it work, you have nothing to talk about. To give her words any more importance at this point is just to stay on the crazy train and gives her continued control over your emotions. If she has not explicitly chosen you, she is choosing OW, or at least, an alternate life without you. Maybe she does feel guilt, shame, etc., etc. She *should* feel those things because she screwed up big time! But this is her journey. It's not up to you to fix her, and more importantly, you *cannot* fix her.
If she loves you and wants you, she will find her way back and you will not have to do anything to make it happen. Most certainly you will not have to scheme and worry or fret about saying or doing the wrong thing or missing opportunities. I always think back to how my H acted before we started dating... He pursued me relentlessly for *years*, even though I dated other guys, only occasionally returned his phone calls, and more or less treated him like my kid brother. I often joked that the biggest reason I married him was because he wouldn't go away. Someone who truly wants you will make the effort. If W was ready to return to your relationship, she would.
The only thing you can truly do right now is detach, detach, detach and become the best NYGal you can be. Not so you can post fun pics on FB to make her jealous, but to make your life so freaking fantastic that you aren't even thinking about whether or not she's looking. That's when she will notice.
Thanks everyone. Anna, I do know there would be consequences. I've already told her the terms are 1)ow is out of her life 2) she's over ow 3)transparency: turn find my iPhone back on, don't turn phone off, let me have password to phone/email/iPad,etc. We're not even there yet. She says she wants to get there and she understands the terms. she's just not there yet. She's not done with ow, even though she says she's tired of the situation and wants our R back. She's afraid we can't get past this. She tells friends she's afraid I won't take her back. (Is she just trying to blame me?) She tells friends she's afraid of what people will say about her for doing this (and for then going back to me.) She tells her friends she's miserable and scared. She tells me she's anxious that I'm going to move on before she finds her way back. I do believe she's really trying to understand why she did this so she will never do it (to me or anyone) again. She has said that if we get back together, it's forever. I think that's a lot to ask for at this point, since we haven't even spent any significant time together since January 2nd. We haven't done anything fun since November. I do believe she needs validation. I'm waiting for her to reach out again. She sent me a picture of a display yesterday that mentioned my college.
I know she's still thinking of me; she's out of town until Wednesday.
Please get your W into IC. She's in dire need of it.
Hello all. I'm not good at taking advice. Now they are off on vacation together. I am tortured with thoughts and feelings that they will fall deeply in love. A friend said this was the trip they planned a long time ago and since it involves a lot of expense they decided to go. And that this is why W couldn't make her decision yet. She was waiting to take this trip. I feel awful. Nothing is working for me.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hello all. I'm not good at taking advice. Now they are off on vacation together. I am tortured with thoughts and feelings that they will fall deeply in love. A friend said this was the trip they planned a long time ago and since it involves a lot of expense they decided to go. And that this is why W couldn't make her decision yet. She was waiting to take this trip. I feel awful. Nothing is working for me.
NYGal, I'm so sad to hear this.
This is exactly what just happened to me. That doesn't mean the same thing will happen to you.
In my case, it was as I feared. It went from getting a text that she was having doubts, to doubling down on the hate and making room for the OM in my closet. Yup, it was a dream vacation. Enough so it got extended a few days.
I just got word that my court date is the absolute soonest they could pick, less than 3 weeks away on 4/27. After this I think there's one more, and that's it. It's over. Finis.
The only advice I can give is the same that I'm not managing to do very well. I try to detach, but the W usually makes sure that she reaches out for a quick scratch every now and again.
Detach, GAL and hope that things will work out, that you'll find acceptance. We have no control over what's happening, and need to come to terms that our W's are not who we once knew. They may never be again.
So keep worrying about you, because that's the only thing you have power over.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
