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Hi Vanilla -

We are apart, the plan was for me to join him in CA last December. He ultimately didn't want that because he was so unsure of his job situation and really didn't want to stay in CA that he wanted to wait until "he got fired" or found another job (and he was planning on coming back to where I live this June).

So the plan was always to be together, but when things stated getting rocky that fell by the wayside. I have mentioned to him several times that nothing was going to change/get better until we were in the same place, but still no movement. i think now he was just trying to start the separation process.

I don't think this next call, if it happens is going to be good.

Just swinging by to give you some support!! I'm glad to see from your earlier posts how much more confident you seem. That will definitely sway a wah. As he will start to become interested in what is making you so happy. These changes need to become a permanent and some of it in the early days is a fake it till you make it

I'm similar to you, not together long, then married then we had a baby and started unraveling. My h had an affair. Committed. Changed his mind. Committed and then has just changed his mind again.

It's hard, it is. But the more you start to do for you. The more reading you do of other posts and the more you will learn.

Have you got much gal activities in? Treat yourself. Be gentle with yourself, ride your emotions. I find a good pamper helps me. Not even one that involves much money if you don't want, you can always do some home pampering

Hi iwad,

Believe nothing that he says and only 1/2 of what he does. Try not to mind read and just focus on improving yourself. You thought the last call was not going to be good, but looks like you did a GREAT job. Keep a PMA, validate and don't let him bait you into an argument and you will do great, AGAIN. You got this! Just let him speak his mind and keep your answers short and sweet. Be mysterious. These calls are a good opportunity to gain insight into his issues in the M and get a better understanding of why he wants a D.

Not sure what the sitch was why you got off of social media, but I think it would be a good choice to get back onto FB or Insta. Can you elaborate on what caused you to get off FB? Was a sitch with your H a factor? You don't have to connect with him, but I am guessing that you have mutual friends and that should do the trick. I think that would be a good way to show off your GAL'ing and "As if" attitude and a good reminder of what an awesome W he is going to lose.

I'm not a vet by any means, but here to support. Don't give up, you're just getting started and going great.

-Cubebot

I REALLY appreciate the positive support Cherry and cubebot. I just don't know how to handle the yo-yo.

In the past when a relationship has ended (either by my initiation or vice versa) it has been pretty clear that the one leaving was in fact... leaving.

I don't understand how someone can say "I want a divorce" and then do this will I won't I dance after. If I were ever to make that decision I feel that I would be firm in that regard and not waver.

My H keeps repeating the mantra of "I don't want a D, but I don't know what else to do". I still don't really know how to absorb that. If you don't want it and you still say you love me (I have not said it back per DB rules) then why are YOU leaving?!?!

Cherry, I feel like your situation is not unlike mine in that there has been a lot of back and forth since this past summer.

Part of me, a growing part, thinks I should just give up. Send him a text telling him to file and that my lawyer will be in touch.

The waiting and unknown is killing me. I feel like this next call will be the last and that he put it off because he is nervous to move forward...

Am I reading too much into this all?

It sounds like you are having a lot of strong movements, yet still struggle with the entire sitch.

As I said before and as cubebot said get back on FB it is a way to show you GAL to him even without being directly friends on FB.

I have been going up and down every day recently and am looking for the strength you had on the phone for my upcoming outing with my W to a theme park. I fortunately still have her close right now so I am hoping I can surprise her. I am hoping I can hold my tounge when I need to and I am hoping to give her an enjoyable day.

Best wishes
Anime92

I am right there with you in that feeling. We want the pain to stop and see that as a way to make it. It probably won't. I like to look at it this way.

Option 1) I say I want D, and we move towards it. What happens? I detach, GAL, 180's, make myself a better person for me and any future R and build a life for myself and kids.

Option 2) I don't say I want a D, continue to DB and fight the good fight. What happens? I detach, GAL, 180's, make myself a better person for me and any future R and build a life for myself and kids.

Ultimately, I see my actions as the same regardless. However; option 2 leaves the door open for someone whom I know I do love (despite the way I feel today and this crazy roller coaster we are on) Maybe one day my WW will be willing to do the work to rebuild our M. Either way I need to rebuild myself.

I'm no Vet, just how I feel...most of the time, lol.

Very good point cubebot I have had this same discussion in my head a few times now. I have always decided option 2 was just the right answer. Especially if/when you know the love is reciprocal but there is something else that has put the wedge in the middle

Had the call...

It's like I get a different H every time we talk. Last time it was a weepy sad 2 hour call (him not me). Sounding like he didn't want the D, but just didn't' know what else to do.

This time was a 30 min irritated H. HE wanted the call and just seemed annoyed that he made it the whole time. I tried to stay positive. Did not let him bait me into a fight. He kept saying, "well you said you wanted to keep talking, but it seems like we don't have much to say anymore".

No talk of D or the R. Instead he talked he was more interested in what I am doing, where I might move for work, etc. Then HE said again, that he would call me, later this week.

I don't understand:

1) the swing from sad to irritated on this call (I was nice as punch)

2) why he keeps wanting to call me, yet seems annoyed about doing it (I have never asked him to call me and I don't reach out to him)

3) why he wants another call at all? if he wants a D why keep calling me about bullshit and being grumpy the whole time.

How to DB this?

You are not DB this.

You are DB for you irrespective of the effect on your sitch or your R.

Do that which is best for you and detach from the outcome on your sitch.

The DB, the 180 is for you.

V

Thanks Vanilla. You are right about DB being for me.

I was more or less asking to see if anyone else had experienced their WAS be so different each time they talk - tears of sadness and long talks, to 30 mins and agitation.

How do you handle the yo-yo and still keep the as if attitude? Looking for some guidance on what to do next, if he calls again. I want to take the baby steps in the right direction. Anyone experience this from their WAS?