Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Unsure of what's next

Yes you should respond on threads even if you have no experience in giving advice, that is how you get more people to read your thread.

And HOPE is only over when you decide.

I can't see into the future sadly. But I'd hate for you to "give up" simply because you can't see a way out.
Of course, I'm the pot calling the kettle black there. If you look over at my sitch, we've been together for a long time (8 years) but I'm only 27 and he basically left me for OW.

As far as how to show him changes from across the country: it means you have to use every interaction to show him something new. For now, that means going dim until he comes to the table more. IMO, if he asks something about business stuff (taxes, etc), I wouldn't just ignore him. But I would treat it like a business interaction. You've made it clear to him that you want to work on this. THe best way to do that right now is to work on yourself. Look at the things he's saying are wrong. (we can help with this) What is your role in that dysfunction?
Are you in counseling? Is he?
I don't bring up the idea of OW to try and throw you. I only bring it up because what you have to realize (and what I"m still trying to realize) is that as long as there are 3 people in the marriage, it'll never work. So you remove yourself as an option until things blow up with the affair. Is he acting differently than he has been? Does he seem like he's just stressed or does it seem like overnight he became a pod person? (those are the things I saw when my H started his affair. Suddenly I became the sole reason he was unhappy. He stopped complaining about his job and just complained about me).
So for hypothetical sake: if there is OW. The choice then is yours. Can you move forward if he's had an affair? There are a lot of people (and honestly, I wish I was one of them) who say Nope, you cheated. I'm done.
If thats who you are, I think you need to do some digging and see if you can find any evidence. If you aren't, then it doesn't actually change your tactic that much. You still go dark and wait for him to approach you.

There will be a lot of people who come in and give advice. I'm by no means a vet. I'm neck deep in my own situation and I feel pretty hopeless most days. But for whatever reason, I find its easier for me to provide perspective to other people. That's why we suggest you read other sitches and post there. Because you do have something valuable to say, even if it's just words of encouragement. And it's a proven fact that helping people makes us feel better about ourselves.

All of that said: again, I don't have a crystal ball. But I've seen sitches with much more to overcome than yours. There's still hope if you want there to be. Remember: its always darkest before the dawn. Nows the time to work on your stuff. Work on what you can fix. That's all you really can do. Try and show H through actions, not words, that you're willing to do what it takes to make things work. Real change starts from within us, not by trying change someone else.

Keep posting!

I actually think I was not a controlling W, probably the opposite I was way too supportive and let him control our interactions.

The major complaint that H has was that our relationship is too "volatile". Which has merits. If we got into an argument it would spiral out of control and it was so unnecessary - both at fault - but I am learning that I need to control my reactions, not his.

Would love to know any insights from a H kirklan. Thank you!

Today I feel bad. One of my goals was to have the H want to have a phone call. Which, today he texted...

"Let me know if you'd like to talk about things this week. I know this is hard and you feel miserable. I also feel really bad". I politely replied. "Sure, anytime after Wednesday works for me".

My stomach is in knots. I am so nervous for this call since I know he wants to talk about moving the D forward. I feel like I am falling apart, but know that I cannot show that on the call.

Any tips for me?

Looking for some advice on how to approach the call with H. This will be the first time we have spoken since he told my father he wanted a D.

I jump between sad and angry, but know how important it will be to keep my composure during the call.

How should I "Act as if"? I can't really be upbeat, right? Wouldn't that be weird when he is telling me we are getting D to act as if I am fine.

How would I even answer the question, since I know he will ask, "How are you doing?"

Hello iwad,

So sorry you are here. You've got to work on emotionally detaching from him. This is incredibly difficult to do but it is what you must do. It will be impossible for you to have a productive conversation with him so long as you are not detached. You have to realize that you can't control him. If he truly wants a divorce, then he's probably going to get it. You have to work on YOU. You need to become the woman only a fool would leave. You need to dump HIM in your mind. Start moving on with your life. Its counter intuitive but we always want what we can't have. Show him what he'll be missing if he divorces you. The divorce isn't going to happen over night. You have time. Be pleasant with him. Validate him and don't argue with him.
It sounds like he has plenty of his own issues to address. If he can't come to grips and begin to work on those, then it may be impossible for him to be a part of a happy marriage no matter what you do. That [censored] but that's not your fault if that's the case.

Thanks LiM. Ah yes detach.... seems to be the hardest thing for everyone on these boards.

I am working on making sure every interaction we have is/will be positive. This call is just so crucial because it really will set the tone for everything moving forward, whether that means we are together or not.

It's nerve-racking really.

It seems there are certain techniques that work better on WAW than WAH. It would be great to hear what has gotten the attention of/or worked with a WAH during these types of interactions.

WAW seem to respond more to the backing off and moving on with your life approach. What approach is better on WAH, with men that is? Or is there really no difference?

Hi Iwad,

I'm no expert and am having trouble myself, but want to encourage you. Make your goals about you and not him.

You said your goal was for him to want to have a phone call. You have absolutely no control over his wants/desires. I am learning the same thing about my WAW/WW.

You can only make changes in you and your perspective. When you make those changes you will feel better about yourself. Detaching is VERY hard. I am learning that I am very codependent and it is VERY unattractive to my W. As I am having bits of success in detaching, I feel better about me. I still want my M to work, but I am going to be ok if it doesn't. That is powerful and something that others will notice.

This is the hard part and as you can see there are LOTS of us in your shoes. You aren't alone.

Focus on you. Find things you like to do and enjoy.

Good luck!

If I were a WAH (I'm not, the other way around), I would respond to seeing what I'm missing.

A woman who is fit, attractive, 'put-together' - as in nice clothes, wears dresses, smiling, flirty, warm. You should do these things for yourself, though - you want to feel pretty.

Part of getting your head around this is working from the inside out. No matter what - if this ends up blowing up or fusing back together, you must be stronger than you are now internally. Find out what makes you tick - how to deal with hurt, which is a primary emotion, to anger, which is a secondary, and how to deal with that anger. Recognize the triggers in your life and your discussions with him which lead to the hurt and anger, and find other actions and words that lead you to loving, kind, forgiving, graceful words and actions.

Find an anchor in your life besides your husband as well. For me, it's my faith. For others, its a hobby or your family. Find your anchor. You can do this - you were made for this!

Hi iwad, I am not a WAH just a H with a WAW. However I agree with what trumpet has said. On top if that are you two facebook friends? Or other social media instaura ect. If so you can use these as tools to show him how well you are doing and what is is missing out on by moving forward with the divorce. I'm not saying post things and tag him but if you post your activities of what you are doing to "improve" yourself all your GALing and post new "sexy" photos of yourself (don't go crazy just like a new dress that makes you feel great) again don't do this for him do all these things for yourself!

Do you go out with girlfriends? Do you have any guyfriends? If you post pictures of you being social even with guys this should definitely show him that you are moving on without him and that you are going to be fine.

He may take it as a sign that he has made the right decision but then again he may think twice and try to stop the process.

For me when I read he is still paying for the storage ect ect I take that as he's not moving forward in his life, it seems as if he still wants a connection to you even if you get divorced.