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Yes, I think that she is either so miserable that she is willing to take any excuse to leave or she actually believes it and uses it to justify her EA/PA.

But she hasn't left yet so it's not hopeless. You said she's unhappy. Why? Will she talk with you and actually list out/document everything that makes her unhappy? You can't address her unhappiness if you don't know what she's unhappy about.

Correct, she hasn'the left yet and seems to have no intention of leaving. She has told me she was unhappy with the distance between us, that I wasn't dedicated to the house (didn't buy furniture, TV etc.), that we never bought a house, that I had a huge wall up that she tried to knock down and she couldn't do it, so she gave up trying. I had mentioned in December that the only resolution to the MR was MC and she said she thought about it, but couldn't do it because she still has to heal, she says she is still angry and bitter that life hadn'the turned out the way she wanted.

Justhe scheduled an appointment with a divorce lawyer for tomorrow at 11:30am. Just seeing what my rights are, I don't want to get divorced, but I also don't want to be caught off guard

Hi Melo,

Your sitch sounds similar mine. I did not want debt with buying a house, so I have been saving for years and close to being able to buy now, but she says too little to late. I also had an emotional wall around me so tight that we failed to connect. She also refused MC a year ago as I knew we need assistance from the outside. She decided a D was best but is dragging her feet. I saw a lawyer last week also to protect myself because her mood swings have been pretty wild and she is prone to emotional decisions that can cause harm to the family and her when the dust settles.
Hang in there and know I am pulling for you as I am fighting/trying to survive a similar battle.

Thank you very much SadHub. They do sound eerily similar, which is why I think there is hope. It's impossible for our stories to be similar without it being a thing. And just like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can remedy anxiety, so too can DB remedy WAW/WW. It's just human nature. We LBH's sound the same too. I am praying for you brother.

Melo - my man. Sorry that your sit has dissolved. Maybe you will find some comfort in knowing that the inability to repair the problems for you two are hers - maybe. There is nothing you/me/we can do about the WW. Fight on. The only advice I can give you that is worth anything is: you/me have to be a stand up guy(s). You and I need to give up on the actions that make us look bad to ourselves, the W, our kids, etc. Not snooping, trying to influence/manipulate, being a push over, etc these actions hurt us as much as they hurt others.

Once you give up the "physical" i.e. snooping, arguing, etc - you/me might find giving up the subtle will be easier.

It ain't easy. I often have to say to myself - was what I am feeling/saying could be interpreted as pushy, weak, deceptive, manipulative, controlling, etc. etc.

Yes, it's very hard to grow a pair and to GAL. Perhaps giving up one bad behavior might help launch a new you. You might find that ditching one bad behavior - swearing, crying, whatever is not only a block between you and her - but your kids, family, God, etc, etc.

Hi bigybiz,

Your comments to Melo hit home with me in the fact that I have been feeling like a fighter in the ring with only my bare hands while my W is swinging at me with every weapon at her disposal. And this all while I am trying to defend myself but doing so with out inflicting any harm to her in return. And my actions to do good are not intended to harm her, but I cannot keep trying to avoid her perceived harm. As my coach says, make good decisions that are right, but do not do it with the filter of my W.



This is so true to my sitch. I am so worried she is doing something to get at me and I have been focused on who she is talking to and what she is telling them about me that I make myself paranoid.
I also try to stay focused on dancing her dance to avoid conflict and harm that I know I appear weak and like a pushover. I do that because she paints me as controlling. I hesitate to take actions that I know are correct, because she has regularly said her anger now stems from me "being all perfect now" only after she has threatened me.
Anyway my point is that Thank you for your comments to Melo as they ring true and are a good reminder for me that I can not get lost in the dance with the W, but I must stay focused on doing what is right even though it may be new territory for me.

Thank you Bigybiz, I think you are absolutely right with giving up on them physically will have a snowball effect and make other detachment easier. Taking baby's steps will make the process easier, good advice brother, I will take it to heart.

Gents: I don't pretend to know anything more than you. Right now I don't see anything I'm doing as "working". I do struggle with the when to be strong and when to be accommodating. When I'm strong and make decisions she often finds that has consequences. When I trying to find common ground - that looks weak. Both, equally bad.

I'm always on the hunt for ideas from others - what's working, what is bring satisfaction, etc.