About a month ago, my wife told me that she isn't sure if she loves me anymore. It's been an eye opening and awful month.
She has been involved in an EA that turned into a PA.
We have been married 8 years and have 3 daughters. The first daughter is from her first marriage and is 11. Our other girls are 3 and 2.
First, I need to admit that in the last month I have done a lot of soul searching and understand that our marriage is not healthy and I have done nothing to help it. I was too guarded and was not emotionally available to her. She basically had to beg me for attention. Through seeing a therapist and truly seeking answers, I have come to understand that I have let my fear and insecurities control my behavior and negatively effect all of the relationships in my life. I allowed these insecurities to alter my thinking to the extent that I didn't even do what I wanted to in life. I find my wife to be a beautiful woman and I am very attracted to her, but she would have to beg me for attention. I would text her constantly if she was out with girlfriends because I needed to know that I was on her mind. I did not have any idea how controlling my behavior was and how unloving it was. I am now starting to understand much of this.
In admitting my own issues and understanding the problems that I cause in our marriage, I am not condoning an EA or PA on her part. Her actions were wrong and have only added to the problems we face.
I have done just about EVERYTHING wrong in the last month. I cried to her, promised change, begged for forgiveness, given ultimatums about the affair, looked for more evidence of the affair, told her all the reasons our marriage could work, etc.
She has not said she wants a divorce, but has clearly said she doesn't know what she wants and that I have caused a lot of hurt for her. She has also said that she will stop talking to the OM while we try to work on us, however, I think she just said that to make me feel better.
We just signed a year long lease for a new apartment, but she has said she doesn't really know whats going to happen and has talked about separation. She has stated that she cannot survive without me (financially) but that she doesn't want that to be the reason we stay together.
I offered to move out of our bedroom and into our guest room, but she didn't want that. Some nights I have held her in bed (I would never cuddle at all prior to this month) and other nights we might as well not be in the same house. I know that I feel these things now and it hurts me to know that she has felt those things for a long time because of my own distance.
We are still having some sex but it's different. There are times that it is very robotic and others where it is more passion filled and just enjoyable. I know that it's probably only different to me because I am now paying attention, but I can definitely feel when she is not into it.
We went out on a "date" last night and had a great time. Very little relationship talk and just had some fun. She said a few things to get under my skin I think, but I refrained from taking the bait.
She wants to go out again tonight with the kids along with her best friend.
I am very afraid of losing her because I truly do love her. I am sad that it took this experience for me to accept how much I do love her and want to be completely open to her. I am scared that it is too little, too late.
I am buying the DR book today because I know that I have to work on me. I am struggling with snooping, jealousy, and neediness.
I want to forgive her for the affair and start to move on in a healthier way for me. I know that even if it is too late for our marriage, I can't let this eat at me forever. I have to get off the anxiety roller coaster.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks Cadet. Learning to eat, breathe and sleep. Lost a significant amount of weight and sleep has been difficult. GAL is helping. I am chasing personal business goals and doing some things with friends that I have otherwise not been doing. I've also been running some which helps. Prior to this I was very much inactive.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
We went out Friday night for dinner and then had a nice day out Saturday with the kids, but I am in the friend zone.
I tried to kiss her yesterday and she will let me, but there is nothing there. I feel a desire to be intimate with her and I had neglected that for so long. I guess I get that feeling that showing her that side of me is good, but I don't think it is.
It just shows me as needy. It is so hard to let go when she told me part of the reason for this is because I was not emotionally available.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
I tried to kiss her yesterday and she will let me, but there is nothing there. I feel a desire to be intimate with her and I had neglected that for so long. I guess I get that feeling that showing her that side of me is good, but I don't think it is.
Read the pursuit and distance thread in the homework above.
Baby steps. I have been strong today. Been pleasant and most of all not needy or pursuing. I took kids out to the park and came home. I typically would have gone and found her but just left her alone. She sought me out and kissed me with something behind it. I allowed that but then backed off. I won't pursue anything beyond that.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
Hi Lostman, glad you found this board, b/c I think it will help you a lot. What are the ages of you and your W?
How long has your W been in the affair? Does did work with the other man?
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First, I need to admit that in the last month I have done a lot of soul searching and understand that our marriage is not healthy and I have done nothing to help it. I was too guarded and was not emotionally available to her. She basically had to beg me for attention. Through seeing a therapist and truly seeking answers, I have come to understand that I have let my fear and insecurities control my behavior and negatively effect all of the relationships in my life. I allowed these insecurities to alter my thinking to the extent that I didn't even do what I wanted to in life.
It's good that you are trying by starting with yourself, b/c that is the only person you can fix in this situation. Are you still in therapy?
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I find my wife to be a beautiful woman and I am very attracted to her, but she would have to beg me for attention. I would text her constantly if she was out with girlfriends because I needed to know that I was on her mind. I did not have any idea how controlling my behavior was and how unloving it was. I am now starting to understand much of this.
Did the therapist tell you this was controlling behavior? To me, it seems more the actions of a very insecure man.
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I have done just about EVERYTHING wrong in the last month. I cried to her, promised change, begged for forgiveness, given ultimatums about the affair, looked for more evidence of the affair, told her all the reasons our marriage could work, etc.
Okay, so you are convinced this does not work, right? Therefore, no need to try it again. Another thing that won't work, is trying to talk her back into the MR. The only thing that will get her attention is your action.
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She has not said she wants a divorce, but has clearly said she doesn't know what she wants and that I have caused a lot of hurt for her. She has also said that she will stop talking to the OM while we try to work on us, however, I think she just said that to make me feel better.
When a woman has two men in her life, it does cause emotional confusion for her. The reason is that a woman is designed to only feel romantic/sexual love for one man at a time. Emotionally, she has to decide which man she loves. As long as she had the OM floating around in her head, she cannot feel desire for her H. It just doesn't work. She may go through the motions, but she won't have the feelings for her H when her mind is on OM.
In order for her to get to the place where she can truly start working on the MR, she has to end all contact with OM. If she hears about him, sees him at a distance, listens to his voice, sees his picture, or reads his messages.....it triggers her desire for him and keeps her in an emotional turmoil.
There is one big problem with not contacting OM......at least for her. She is addictive to the A/OM. It may sound crazy, but an A is as addictive as any drug. If she really cuts all contact with him, she will actually go through an emotional type of withdrawal. That period is when it's so hard and is the most tempting to contact him.
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We just signed a year long lease for a new apartment, but she has said she doesn't really know whats going to happen and has talked about separation. She has stated that she cannot survive without me (financially) but that she doesn't want that to be the reason we stay together.
Look, here's what she's going to do. She will insist on an in-house separation. That way, she has your finances to support her, and she gets to continue her A with OM. I hope you will not agree to it. I have not seen a successful in-house separation, as of yet. At the very best, you become friends and that's it. Why would you agree to those arrangements, knowing she is only staying b/c she can't afford to make it on her own?
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I offered to move out of our bedroom and into our guest room, but she didn't want that. Some nights I have held her in bed (I would never cuddle at all prior to this month) and other nights we might as well not be in the same house. I know that I feel these things now and it hurts me to know that she has felt those things for a long time because of my own distance.
Stop acting as if you are the guilty party. You are the man, and the head of your home. You are leading and teaching your children what a man is suppose to do. He doesn't retreat to another room and give the cheating W the master bedroom. The same goes about the man leaving the home when he is not guilty of cheating. His children need to look at the male's position in the family and see it with respect. He does not retreat to another room like a whipped puppy. I don't think that is what you were doing, but it is the visual picture that is presented to your children, and even to your W. Hold you head high and stop acting as if you are the one who has done wrong.
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She wants to go out again tonight with the kids along with her best friend.
You know why she wants the kids and her BFF along, don't you? She doesn't want to be alone with you. She doesn't want you trying to get romantic with her, b/c she doesn't feel that way. It places too much emotional pressure on her. She's okay with fun things, but wants to stay away from the intimate stuff. You probably give off a heavy air of neediness, and I have to tell you.....it is extremely unattractive to a woman. So, try real hard not to smother her with you being too close or with your bodily presence all the time. Know what I mean? Don't be the sad puppy looking into her face all the time. That is such a turn-off. Know what women love? A man that oozes self confidence.
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I want to forgive her for the affair and start to move on in a healthier way for me. I know that even if it is too late for our marriage, I can't let this eat at me forever. I have to get off the anxiety roller coaster.
There was something about you that attracted your W before she M you. You need to be that guy again, or become a better version. Jealousy, neediness, smothering, acting pathetic.........is not the route to take.
There are a lot of people here that are in the same boat as you find yourself. I want to encourage you to stay with us and try to post every day. Read other's posts, as well. You can learn from them.
Your M can be saved!!
I hope you will set some small goals for yourself. For example, go all week without constantly texting her, and checking up on her. Find some type of exercise to do when you are feeling anxious.
Make reading the DR book priority.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for taking the time to give your insight. I have read what many others have posted and can't tell you how appreciative I am of the chance to share with such a supportive group of people.
I really appreciate your desire to help others in their worst moments.
Affair has been relatively short term. Maybe a month or so. She does not work with him. It's a man from her past.
I am still in therapy and will continue seeing my therapist for the foreseeable future.
I do not remember if my therapist said that was controlling behavior or not. It most definitely was actions of a very insecure man.
I have given up on trying to talk her into the marriage. I can see very clearly that will not work and only pushes her further away.
I believe the A is an addiction and can see that. I have not looked at her phone and won't so I don't really know for certain if she has stopped talking to him or not.
She has balked at the idea of in house separation. I truly believe she still has love for me and is just very torn right now. If she wants to go down that path, I will not be a doormat.
I do know that is why she wanted the kids and her BFF around, but we did go out just the two of us the night before. I had a good time. I most definitely was giving off a huge sense of neediness over the last month.
Yesterday, I spent the day focused on myself and the kids. I didn't pay much attention to her unless she sought it. Sure enough, she initiated kissing and later initiated sex. While we were watching some TV in the evening she was asking if I was OK (sore back, and needed to sit on floor to help it). This was very much not how the dynamic has been with us over the last month. It has always been me watching her, helping her, catering to her, and just overall being completely overbearing. It was this weird attempt to make up for the years of neglect all in a short matter of time.
I won't be texting her and will be continually working on myself this week. It's somewhat amazing to me how small changes have big effects. She could be using intimacy against me, but I am not going to chase it and let her see I need it. Yesterday was a good day, but it doesn't mean things are better.
Tonight, I have a friend and his wife in from out of town and invited W to go with me. She is excited about it and wants to go. It doesn't mean anything and she may be cold to me again today. I won't let that effect me though.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
Well, last night didn't go great, but didn't go terribly. We went out to meet a friend of mine who was in from out of town along with his wife. While we were waiting at the table for them to join us, my W led me into a conversation about our R that I was definitely not ready for.
I tried to play it cool, but I am sure she could see through it. She has taken off her engagement/wedding rings and said she would have put them on if I wanted her to for the dinner. I said that I didn't care. She then said the rings make her angry and if we work it out she doesn't know if she wants to wear them. I said that I think it would be best to get new rings for both of us if we work things out. I told her I am preparing for my next relationship (with her or without her) which I think was a mistake, but I can't dwell on it.
Once my friend and his wife arrived, the night went well. Lots of fun and laughing.
She kissed me when we left the house this morning. I have been tempted to text her this morning, but am not going to.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
