Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Doing everything wrong...

In addition to this what to do about the D, W says she wants her to stay at home and seems to want to come and go as she pleases during the week to see her and then split weekends. Should be interesting... She's also not sure if she wants to tell her that she moved out.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

She's cake-eating. Don't stand for that.

Go talk to a lawyer first and know your rights. They'll usually do the first consultation for free. You don't want to get taken for a ride later if the A turns serious!

No I haven't talked to a Lawyer yet as that seems like I'd be pushing the D then (which I don't want to do). We live in a no-fault state so everything would be split 50/50 anyways - the bigger issue would be spending + alimony down the road.

So if I lay down the grownd rules she questions why... should I bring up the A? or just the fact that she's moving out? I feel I'm walking on egg shells where anything I say will set her off.

I was on another site so I did #1. It was good and bad.
Good in that it blew any argument that it was me that was driving her away from the marriage, since everyone knew about her EA and I presented the evidence.
Bad in that she's using it as the reason for D.
There's no silver bullet in this mess though. I did #1 three weeks after BD, since she told me when I discovered it that she was moving out that night.
My WW is also very prideful and made the same remarks about another friend whose H cheated on her. They still reconciled and she couldn't believe her friend took him back. So because of the Exposure she stopped talking to all her friends that I exposed her to. She couldn't make up any stories that would justify her betrayal.

Yeah I think my wife would have the same reaction to #1, when I first accused her of the A she said she's done she's moving out... but I don't think she was quite prepared for that at the time. I definitely see conflict within her which allows me to maintain a level of hope.

If I were to expose I think it would push her over the edge and ruin any hope of drawing her back. The fact that she's cake eating shows me that she enjoys some aspects of our relationship as it is - good or bad, its these things that will hopefully draw her back if I stop giving her cake.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation, and glad you see how being the perfect husband (as you saw it) didn't work.

What I have seen work best comes from the mouths of wayward wives themselves. Granted, there have been very few to come here and actually tell their story. Those women would say that whenever they saw their H really drop the emotional rope he had tied to her.......it started shaking her out of the fog.

Actually, the ones that worked the fastest in making a u-turn was when the H immediately dumped the WW when he discovered her affair, or whatever. He didn't linger around, but took quick action to dump her butt. And, those were the gals who would come here wanting to know how they could save their M. But you see, it takes a great deal of courage to be the one who does the dumping. And in your case, you have waited too long b/c she is the one dumping you now.........and that gives her a certain amount of power in this relationship.

It's not, however, too late to take charge of your life and take action that could turn things around for this MR. H's will often come back and tell us that when they finally let go of her is when the WW started turning back. She has to see that he is moving forward without her. Not only is he moving forward without her......but he is happy! Am I talking about filing for divorce? No, not if you don't want it. I am speaking about the attitude you show, the kind of behavior you have, the emotional side of letting her go. Making yourself have a life without her, and getting involved and enjoying things in spite of this situation. It is up to you.

This probably sounds rediculous b/c that is not what you want to do at all. Listen, nothing about the mindset of a wayward wife makes sense to a H. You will never understand it. You will save yourself a lot of precious time and additional pain if you can accept that this is not the same girl you married, and therefore, you will not be able to reason with her. She lives in a fantasy. She is gone. Your M, as you've known it, is over. Hopefully, the two of you will have a new MR some day, but she's not open to that idea as long as she's wayward.

She has no logical thought process, so you cannot talk or persuade her to change her mind. What works with a WW is to see her fantasy world crumble and face the circumstances of her own decisions. It is not pleasant, but necessary. The quicker this happens, the faster the M has a solid chance of making it. That means that she sees the H she dumped, being happy without her. That hits home with a WW, like nothing else can. All her talk about you getting out and dating? It's a complete lie. She does not want you replacing her with another woman. She wants you at home, pining away and being her backup plan. Of course, you can't see it, but I am telling you that even if she doesn't want you......she is not ready for her position to be filled. Believe nothing she says.

Anyway, I did not say all of that to suggest you start dating. I am suggesting you immediately stop pursuing her in any form. Get legal advice to know where you stand with child custody, finances, and properties. Information is power. Your first priority is protecting yourself. Get your finances protected, today! You cannot trust her. This does not mean you are wanting a divorce; it just means you are being smart.

Do not volunteer to finance her lifestyle while she is separated from you. You will not score any brownie points with a WW. Do not initiate contact with her. Do not be available. Yes, these things may not feel like the right things to be doing.......but you have to stop being the pathetic H in her eyes. Did you ever have to get rid of a girlfriend in your dating years? What did you do when she's contact you, drop by to see you, etc.? That is how you need to treat this situation, b/c when she sees you are not there waiting to jump when she says frog...... she will start noticing.

Do not tell her you will always love her, no matter what. Do not tell her you will always be there for her, whenever she needs you. The WW has to realize she has gave that away when she left her H. It does matter what she does! And that is what she has to learn. Usually, the WW learns through experiencing some type of loss. She loses her family unit that she had with her H. She loses those family get togethers, the family events and holidays. She loses the friendship she had in her H. She loses his nearness, his protection, his provisions, the security he gave, the love, kindness, tenderness, dependability, his support, the laughs and good time. When she involved a third person, it changed everything. This is not a time for you to convince her of your love, but for her to realize she has thrown all it away.

Now this is important to get. The WW usually wants to hang on to parts of the MR she liked. She may have the idea she will still be a part of the holiday celebrations, attending dinners at your family, or showing up for birthday parties. She may suggest having a day for "the kids' sake". However, it is for nobody's sake but her own that she is thinking about. You will never see the level of selfishness like that of a wayward. So, get ready.

If you try to be her BFF, she will use you. The WW has to see that she cannot manipulate her H, before she will begin to respect him as a man. As of right now, she has no respect for you as her H, or even as a man. She will try to use, trick, lie, manipulate, and deceive you......all to benefit her own desires. This means that you need to be a man who is not easily fooled. You need to appear as if you can see right through her. You can't act needy of her. She has to realize what she gave up, and then pursue you to get it back. Of course, this doesn't happen in a short span of time. I do believe the actions you take now, and detaching from her could shorten that span.

Instead of acting as if the ball is in her court, you need to have the attitude as if it is really up to you as how this plays out. I am talking about confidence! We women are so attracted to a man with confidence.

You have to have her respect before she will desire you as her H. A woman is wired in such a way that she cannot feel loving desire for her H if she does not respect him.

I may have hit with you with too much, too strongly, in the first post. I hope not. There is no way to get all the areas covered in one post, and I just a couple of highlights.

I hope you stick with us, and post every day. You may find a difference of opinion from time to time, but generally, we try to stick to what MWD teaches.

In my case I don't think the Exposure pushed my WW over the edge. Of course she is using that as an excuse to other people, but she was set on D anyway. She planned it with OM for some time based on evidence I gathered. The Exposure shocked and stalled her and got my MIL to push her back into our M. The problem was she was gaslighting me during the fake Recovery and plotting the D anyway.

Do it confidentially, don't tell your WW.
A good L will just give you the options. You don't have to push the D or file.
I uncovered my WW's plot to D me. But I pre-empted it and saw my L three weeks in advance. It helped me organize my finances and structure things to minimize the impact.
I'm in a no-fault state as well. It is more important because you want to minimize the alimony and support you give her, it will really hurt, if you make most of the money like I do. It's terribly skewed against the high earner, actually.