Quote: "it's just a matter of deciding to be happy".
As a shallow proverb, it's pretty silly. But you know, at another level, there really is something to deciding to be happy. One of the most famous psychological researchers is Martin Seligman, who has studied hopelessness, depression, and taking control of one's life for many years. His most famous experiment is one in which dogs were randomly shocked no matter what they do - if such a dog is given a task to perform, it will lie down and wimper.
Now, many years later, he has written several books that survey the literature on depression and hopelessness, and techniques for overcoming them. ("He" refers to Seligman, not the dog.)
I have read two books by him, "Learned Helplessness", which is largely based on his studies of dogs, and a much more recent book called "Learned Optimism : How to Change Your Mind and Your Life". As the Amazon review says,
Quote: Pessimists believe that bad events are their fault, will last a long time, and undermine everything. They feel helpless and may sink into depression, which is epidemic today, especially among youths. Optimists, on the other hand, believe that defeat is a temporary setback or a challenge--it doesn't knock them down. "Pessimism is escapable," asserts Seligman, by learning a new set of cognitive skills that will enable you to take charge, resist depression, and make yourself feel better and accomplish more.
And wallowing in negative thoughts really will make you grumpier, less able to take charge of your life. There's a lot of extremely good research on that question.
I highly recommend Learned Optimism in general. For HDs, there's very direct application of some of the most basic points. It suggests that we try to avoid self-blame, hopelessness, and overgeneralizing the bad.
1. Do you believe that the lack of sex in your marriage is "your fault"? If there are things to change, it's important to set positive goals and move forward, but without getting stuck wallowing in self-blame.
2. Do you believe that sexlessness is a long-term problem that will never change? Well, for some of us realistically, it may not ever change, or it may take a long time, and it's important to live in the real world. I have to say that 12 years of LD followed by 6 of ND is pretty overwhelming, and not likely to change overnight. But if I'm unwilling to have hope, I can guarantee that nothing will change in a positive direction.
3. Do you believe that the lack of sex poisons everything in your life and in your marriage? There's a strong tendency for some of us to conclude that if the sex is bad, that's automatically a litmus that everything about the marriage is bad, when it may mean merely that the sex is bad. It's important to be open to all the things that are good about the marriage, and not just dwell on the things that are bad. And there really are other things in life that are rewarding and fulfilling in addition to sex. It's important to pay attention to the rest of life from time to time!
At any rate, this is really a book that must be read to be understood, and I don't know if I'm doing a good job of representing it here, but I know it helped pull me out of depression when I was thinking of our sexlessness as a global condemnation of me as a husband, a permanent and damning condition that showed that everything else in my life was a sham.
I hope this makes sense and isn't too preachy...but a positive attitude really can be very helpful, and it's most important when it's hardest.
For some HD's, it is possible to continue a marriage with little to no sex if your other needs are met. Unfortunately, for many HD's like myself, my spouse gets and "F" in sexual fulfillment and an "F" in affection. Lack of desire causes the LD spouse to often avoid sex AND affection. Now there are other things my wife does for my marriage, but they are all pretty much meaningless to me. Sexual fullfillment is about 40% of my marriage needs, affection is about 40% of my marriage needs, and the remainder is 20%, and that is not enough to even create a tolerable marriage. My marriage will be made or broken just on my first 2 needs!
It's not just the sex, it's all the other things that we are missing in our marriages that drive us to despair, too. The lack of touch, desire, need, intimacy, emotional involvement with us, communication, hugging, playing flirting, teasing, laughter, comroderie, attention, how many other adjectives could be added to this partial list?
We die spiritually each day bit by bit hoping, just hoping that our spouses will open their eyes and see what they are doing to destroy their own marriage. We are optimistic for years that this situation can be turned around and love can become full once more. Optimisum grows more distant each day that we are treated so shabbily. Our hope that our spouses will love us again dies.
The lack of all these things and the refusal of our spouses to try to help us reach any sort of livable compromise kills us interanlly. Refusal and rejection, with dashed hopes that the situation can change, the denial that anything is wrong in the realtionship, dooms us to a miserable existance. I am tired of trying to make this sham of a marriage work. I have forced myself to be happy, optimistic, praying that the H would roll over towards me one night. That he woul kiss me with passion, that he would have desire for me, and treat me like i am his wife, not just as a roommate. I fulfilled his needs, filling up his love tank. He needed to fill up mine. He took a vow to love me, to cherish me, to honor me, and HE broke those vows.
What is there to be happy about with situations like this? Nothing. A forced smile cannot undo all of the pain and anguish I have been put through by his rejection of me as a woman. This was not a LD marriage, it was a ND marriage and to me, that is no marriage. I cannot change him, force him to love me, make him see that pain that he has caused me.
You can only hope so much, stay positive so much before your strength gives out and you collapse from the strain. Smiling won't do it. Your spouse has to be willing to invest themselves in the marriage, not just participate on the sidelines. I want and need and deserve to have my needs, or love tank, filled, not having to go around on empty all the time. An optimist has turned into a pessimist in this relationship. I will not be a door mat and have the man I loved and cared for refuse and reject me again.
Oh geez, this was some good stuff...I'm not sure where to begin. I'll start with the questions...
Quote: 1. Do you believe that the lack of sex in your marriage is "your fault"?
Both our faults. I've just recently changed. She's workin on it too.
Quote: 2. Do you believe that sexlessness is a long-term problem that will never change?
From the negative comments here, I've either completely lost hope or simply set my expectations really low.
Quote: Do you believe that the lack of sex poisons everything in your life and in your marriage?
Now that my life is 100% about recovery, yes. I'm very bad at hyperfocusing on one goal at a time. The lack of progress makes me feel like a failure. It's hard to accept that I have 0 control over Ws recovery. Also, I'm now having a hell of a time balancing the "me" stuff because if I spent any time on "me", I would end up inadvertently poisoning a good day. I want to do the stuff I'm good at like work and cycling but both with interfere with my self-imposed "covenants" of our (refurbished) marriage.
Actually, right now, I'm simply tired of trying so hard. Maybe this is good because I will at least be conscious of the goal, and pay attention to the needs of my W more while giving myself some attention.
Being really sick today with a stomach virus was a good thing for me mentally. I knew that LM was out of the question tonight so I felt "free" to be me again. I respected my Ws needs by ensuring that I picked up after myself and I was able to out on my happy face today despite the fact that I was hurling in the bathroom all day. I hate the fact that every thing my W does seems like a test. I'm now at n-3 for LM but the circumstances have made it ok. I asked her when she will feel like getting "lovie" with me and she told me that I have to not puke for 24 hours. I don't really care to rush it but I'm still trying to figure out the right way to remind her that we had a deal.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
You know, the "vigilant" SSM role I'm playing is probably bugging the crap out of my W. What's funny is that the recent influx of LM has made me "really care" about the R and it's making me act like a dork in front of W. This is priority #1 to fix. I need to just act like a did today....cool.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I was reading your post and I think there's some good info there. I agree, that there are choices here that we can make, that the only thing we can truly control is our attitude about the events and people around us. This is very Buddhist, also, very Epictetus (a Stoic philosopher, Roman Empire, about 50 A.D.).
It's not easy to make this choice all the time, however. When I go into my "choose to be calm, choose to be happy" mode, my W sometimes says I'm taking a "holier-than-thou" attitude. I hate it when she says that. I'm just trying to calmly discuss a problem, and she gets all postal on me, and I stay calm, and it pisses her off more, and I stay calm, and...you get the pic.
Johanna, I thought your lament was so touching and sad and understandable. Hugs to you.
CeMar: predictably statistical, but that's why we love you.
Dave: Your W's request that 24 hours pass without puking before she will consider ML with you seems eminently reasonable to me. Continue being vigilant about the SSM, but don't be a nudge. No one likes a nudge.
One last note: I'm no PETA person, but what kind of monster shocks dogs? I don't care if it's in the name of science or not. That really pissed me off, and no, I won't buy that book.
HairDOG, who loves dogs because those are the only creatures at home who let him pet them, and who lick his face.
WED AFTERNOON: Oh man, this is weird. I was just sitting here and I browsed over to Michelle's articles and read something about "spending time together" and I just felt this rush of despair roll over me. There was something in there that triggered an extremely negative reaction in me and I'm not certain what it is. I think it has to do with the fact that my W does not prioritize "alone time together" or schedule them. Once again, I guess I just realized how disinterested she is in spending time with me. I must be one irritating a-hole. Maybe my reality is that my W can't stand to spend time with me, that I'm an ugly, boring dork. Maybe if she confronted her fears, she would decide to leave me. Oh man I feel like sh!t now. I would absolutely love it if she would open her calendar, pick some dates, find a babysitter, and make it happen. The only times we go out is when we are invited to a wedding or charity function. On other opportunities to be together, she wants to go to the movies. Another indicator that she doesn't like to talk to me. Oh man, I don't know what to do. I'm really hurting right now because this is trait I've been trying to fix all my life. I've even seen shrinks who say it's part of a different type of brain-wiring I have.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
