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Ok so an update. Many may think I am stupid or ignoring advise or think I am straying, IDK. First let me give some background.

Ok so jogging partner is a divorced single mom. Her oldest is in school with S13. They are good friends and he is a good kid. He is on my school wrestling team. Her well we 'dated' if you would call it that when she was in 7th grade so a long, long time ago. I will be blunt, she is attractive to put it mildly, she actually looks better now that in high school. Since she has text me about getting together to go running, we have had other text conversations. I say all this for disclosure.

So here is the story.... She is aware of my sitch and I am aware of hers. I do not know how she is aware but I think it is because kids are friends, that and we live in a small town. Honestly, what I have liked about talking with her is she doesn't ask about the sitch even though she is aware of it. She does not have that pity in her tone and treats me like me not a wounded puppy. To be honest I have greatly enjoyed our conversations. Now to what you are thinking EA. I don't think so, because it does not have the intimate vibe to it. I did accept her invitation to go jogging together and we will go not tomorrow but next Tuesday. But again I don't believe it to be something romantic.

Now before I get crucified on here, I would like to say I have enough self control not to just have a fling with her (btw I don't think she is the type) and I am not worried about starting a new relationship. I am more than aware how damaged I am, so I will be even considering dating. Rather it would be just friends and I think she can runner better than me so that will push me harder.

Now to my second update. Today I met with my priest to seek some guidance, he was actually the priest that married us. I just laid it out there, the basics anyway. Well anyway the advice he gave me was surprising. I asked him about forgiveness. His comments were you are not saying you are ok with the action, and maybe not even the person but you are no longer allowing the action to have power over you. Wow! But what was more surprising is this and I am going to paraphrase... I asked about filing D and how do I know when I need to give up. I told him my IC told me I would just know. He said yeah but that is very vague like a fortune teller isn't it. I agreed and he said this, maybe you should look at it as a splinter. You get a splinter and maybe you pick at it and it gets sore, maybe it gets infected but eventually it comes out or.... You take a needle and dig it out, that is very painful at first and maybe you cannot do it the first time but the idea is you go through harsher pain at first but you heal quicker. He continued I think you know when you are tired, tired of the pain, tired of the anxiety and just plain physically tired.

That was not what I was expecting from a Catholic priest. I was expecting a lecture on unconditional love and sacrifice. I even asked about sacrifice for love, sacrificing my own pride for my love. To love unconditionally despite how I felt I have been wronged. His comment was but isn't it sacrifice to walk away when you feel you have done enough. Sacrificing your own wants to set someone free, sacrificing you vision of the future to take away the anxiety of some one you love...

Needless to say I have had a lot to think about. Also needless to say that also plays into my decision in the above matter. What was holding me back was thinking if it would cause WW any distress but in listening to my priest maybe I need to think of my own well being and let WW the freedom to do what she needs as well.

Journaling

Text from WW today about whether S is wrestling this weekend or not. I responded that when I originally sent her the list I did not figure in Easter and we would not be wrestling so he could enjoy his holiday. I also asked if it would be ok to take S13 and S16 to see a movie Friday or Saturday and possibly do their Easter Egg treasure hunt Saturday for them. I got a cold "I'll let you know after I firm up my weekend plans." reply.

Mind reading.... the reply means "I am not going to say no now so you can't say anything. My intention is to avoid until its too late and then blame it on you."

Again it is about the kids and WW needs to be selfish about it as usual. On other threads I have posed the question "How can you take them back, when you know this person is inside them?" I don't know whether I ever could, yes through work they can change just as I am changing, but in the back of my mind I think WW I am learning to despise will always be in there scratching to get out.

In fact, I look at her history of choices and maybe WW has always been there and when W was with me she was someone else. Well one way or the other, I am becoming a better me. I started working out twice a day my lunch hour and then when I get home. I am working to change my routine to accommodate that figuring M,W and F will be upper body and T and H will be lower. Jogging and two sessions of leg lifting on those days (I really have chicken legs). One session of lifting on M, W, and F but exercise with the kids and wrestle with the coaches on those days.

As far as the running partner, I see no reason not too. It is a step forward for me and a means of true detachment... who knows maybe spending time with a woman will just pry my hands off that rope all together. Maybe I will decide I do not want WW back in my life... I mean the more I look back on it I spent more time in our marriage walking on eggshells with WW than I did enjoying myself. Maybe I am the one who should have been filled with resentment? Maybe it is better for me that I am not with her and who knows as time goes on maybe she will relax and allow me to see kids more?

Tim,
first of all it sounds like your Priest is a keeper. He's keeping Church doctrine in mine, but the human first. Divorce is certainly frowned upon, but marriage isn't worth torturing 2 souls over, is it?

I think we're both coming to the realization that there had to be at least a "seed" of this other person inside of our W's all this time. Perhaps they've been putting up a facade longer than we realize? While I realize a lot of that hurtful talk is just to hurt, it makes me wonder just how she remembers so much. I kind of have to think that just maybe I really have been living with 2 people for a long, long time.

Yes, get your running partner. I'm not sure why being female is any concern at all - I mean technically it's a 50/50 chance, right? It might be good to have somebody to bounce ideas and thoughts off of if you (and she) get comfortable enough to do that.

But it's pretty weird we're worried about cheating, or being perceived as cheating, isn't it? I think that's why the one year rule I saw when I got here makes sense in a lot of ways. We've got a lot of baggage to drop still.

For you - I think the more you can detach - GAL and drop that gal dang rope, the sooner your WW will come to grips with whatever is eating at her. Guaranteed, she will change - does it matter into what? Personally, I would think any change at all is going to be positive. She might just dangle the boys out there to see what you're up to once she realizes you're no longer in the picture.

And I feel the same way - the last year or so of life was spent in abject terror. I was afraid to say or do something wrong, and was constantly second guessing myself. Along with the gaslighting, I didn't know which way was up. That's just not healthy. The WW is the one saying that she was the one in this sitch - but now I know that's only partly true. A huge burden has been lifted at the same time, hasn't it?

stupid auto correct. mine = mind

Hey 1313, I am rather positive WW and I are not going to ever be back together. My realization or acceptance of this fact would explain my mood this week. I think in my heart I always knew we would not ever get back together. The same way I knew she was cheating before I had any proof... I just knew, in my gut. I think after two months I am beginning to accept that. Maybe in the future her anger will diminish to the point we can be good coparents together or even friends (although I would never forgive a friend for such a betrayal) but we will never get back together.

We are in similar spots on our journey, my friend.

I'm glad I have you in my corner. Keep going, friend, you deserve better. Hopefully W wakes up and makes that realization before it's too late.

On the parenting topic, WW sent me a text saying that she might allow me to have the boys for the day on Saturday and we will have to discuss the specifics. I am guessing she must have someone to see Saturday and it is convenient to her. It certainly is not her being nice, one thing I have learned in this process is that a WW never does something out of the kindness of their hearts it is always about them, what they want. Regardless at least I may have my boys for a day and I will take it and careless about what she does.

Tim, as long as taking the boys on Saturday is convenient - even desirable for you then by all means do it. But if you can get another day or three that is better for you, go for that.

I don't have the same concern as you do with zero contact, but I can guarantee if the WW wants something on a Friday, then Tuesday it is! I'll even rearrange my schedule.

Yeah I am sure she is giving them to me for some kind of convenience for her. However, since it gives me the day with the boys I am not going to complain, it might be for her convenience but it benefits me too.

So anyway today again I am not feeling as bad as before. I just have a void and numbness. Like instead of a sharp pain, its a dull throbbing ache. I keep having the thought that I will end up alone for my entire life, but rather than being depressed by the thought I am resigned to it. Yeah, everyone can say no you won't but there are no guarantees. After all, people end up alone, really live their lives alone all the time. So why not me? Again, I am have a feeling of acquiescence to it. After being through this, battling my way through cheat after cheat, I am rather certain the few opportunities I will have I will either not recognize or have the strength to trust. That is ok. Our experiences shape the person we are to become. I will strive to continue my changes so that I may enrich the lives of those around me and that will have to be enough for me.