Hi I came across this site and it changed my outlook. Thank you DB! Phone Conf Booked Bought DB book
Facts: H:41 W:38 K: S:6 S:10 S:12 T: 16 yrs M: 10 yrs BD: March 5 2016 A with OM:1.5 mths W ->WAW
How i found out was told to take the kids overnight to a hotel for march brk sat. i agreed, since i had to work over the brk. noticed my CC wouldn't work. Banking app is on her phone. asked to use her phone to see if anyone was trying to do illegal purchases. W kept stalling say to just call them. finally she gave me the phone. but said she had to go to the bathroom first. then she sat beside me and nervously opened her phone and gave it to me. i thought to my self, something is up. lunch was in the oven and the timer was going off. i told her to take it out. she lept up and ran to the oven and took it out. during that time i opened her txt msg and saw a phone number i did not recognize. i quickly closed it and gave it back to her. then she started yelling at me to get going to the hotel. then she ran back to the bathroom and i followed her in and asked her if shes hiding something. "NO!" she said. "Get going!" Driving to the hotel i had that gut feeling. later that night i googled "signs W cheating" , each box was checked. then i logged in to the cell phone account online and low and behold. txt msgs from the same # from 7am - 3am for the whole month - approx 1200 msgs in one month. then i checked her FB friends list, low and behind OM's cell # in his profile. exact same #. Name, Work, and mutual friends with WAW's friends. She texted me checking in on the Kids, angry as hell i ignored it.
BD Next day, checked out went back home. i went to take a nap. she comes storming up and immediately says "ITS OVER!" I asked her if shes cheating on me, she knew i busted her. she admitted to it. i asked her how long: 1mth, did you FK him?"No", did you kiss him, no answer. rage set in, said some real bad stuff. then cried and pleaded to take me back. then she said ILYBNILWY when i asked WAW do you LM?? I took off out of the house after my panic attack. Came back 4 hrs later to the house. K all sleeping. i txted her if i can come in , WAW say" for what your clothes"
Me 41 W 38 S5 S11 S13 M10 T16 03/06 B drop 1, OM found 1 mth in 03/06 Physical Seperation
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I don't get it. Why are you acting as if you are the guilty party and asking her if you can come into your own house?
Has she ever been involved in any kind of an A previously?
I think you have made a first bad move, but you can change your position and start acting stronger. No pleading or crying around her, b/c that causes you to appear weak....and in turn, causes her to be turned off. This woman is wayward and she has lost respect for you. The more you try to convince her to stay....the more it pushes her away.
Read the link on detaching, and the one on boundaries.
I notice your children are boys. They will watch you to learn how to be a man.
I hope you will read all the links Cadet has gave you.
Post often and others will reply. I hope you will stick with us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, sorry had to cut it short. let me continue.
I walked back in the house, she kept saying its over. said i needed help. etc. i left that night to a hotel room.
to answer your questions. no never had a A previously. one month before we went on holiday for a last change MR rebuild. went really good. then returned home and i returned back to same old same old. W tried her hardest to spice up our R. but i was same old same old. then the lost all hope and had a A.
Me 41 W 38 S5 S11 S13 M10 T16 03/06 B drop 1, OM found 1 mth in 03/06 Physical Seperation
Listen to sandi. She knows her stuff. You will nit get a better advisor.
You have admitted your part in the downfall. Why did you not change?Are you motivated enough now to change, to take the necessary ACTIONS?IIf so listen and read all the advice you get here.
You cannot talk your way back. You need to prove you can change.PPlease outline what you see/she says are your issues that should change.TThat is where to start. You need to become a man only a fool would leave. That takes action and time.
I would caution that addressing her issues with you may nit be enough or may take a long time to affect her. This is why you need to concentrate on becoming a better man, for you.
You may have contributed to the downfall of your M, but the A was her choice. That is not your fault.
Best of luck
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Without knowing more, it is hard to comment but I and many here would advise you not to move out. Not out of the house. Not out of the MB. If someone has to go it should be the person that wants out. I am not saying throw her out. I am saying you stay.
Read the boundaries link. Understand the difference between boundary and ultimatum. Apply it. You do not want a R with her if there is another R.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
i have not talked to my adviser yet. to continue on. first week after BD, i was a mess, broke all the rules. but i was CYMA legally. documenting , receipts etc. 2nd week, i found this site. what a breath of fresh air! I did the complete 180, - GAL - Dressed better - New haircut - Delay replies for emails , texts - Wrote her a letter saying I still love her, but im moving on - Made sure the S’s had the time of their life while with me - Fully parented them while they were over - Talked civilly with W, cheerful and not a sobbing mess - W asked if im upset with her, I said no
Next question is. To nip this A in the butt. Do I expose her A to my IL, they would disown her (I have proof). Or Let her crash n burn once the A burns out.
Me 41 W 38 S5 S11 S13 M10 T16 03/06 B drop 1, OM found 1 mth in 03/06 Physical Seperation
I'm no expert, but I would not expose. You are better than that, and besides, do you want your WW back because you shamed her or because you were a strong man that kept her secret in marital confidence. I have previously exposed my WW previous EA two years ago and now we are back in the same situation. Goes to show you that it doesn't fix anything even if they do come back after exposure, she has to go through and WANT to be with you.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Kirk, I am going to make a statement that may sound crazy to your ears. This is not the time for you to be telling her how much you love her, or even to tell her you want to save the M. At this time, the more you tell her you love her and don't want a divorce, the more it will push her away. Talking about the relationship does not work. Every time you have a R talk, it will set you back. You may wonder how things can be resolved without talking about it. It is through your behavior.
She doesn't want to "hear" anything about how YOU feel. She doesn't want you to start doing all the housework or buying her flowers, etc. She doesn't want you being her doormat. She needs to see you as a strong man. Not the physical muscles, but the inner strength. Women need their men to be stronger than they are.
I suggest you not make any proclamation about how you are going to change. Don't send her a letter, pouring out your heart. It does no good, whatsoever.
You need to do some deep soul searching about your own issues and fix them. If you need therapy, medication, or whatever.......do it. The more you focus on her affair, the less you are focusing on yourself. Don't misunderstand, I am not suggesting that you act as if this affair is okay. I am saying that the real problem existed before the affair. The affair may end today, but it would not be an automatic fix to the real issues in the MR.
You cannot persuade her to stay in the MR with talking. Your words mean very little to her. All she will notice are your actions. You cannot "nice" her back. You cannot be vindictive and expect her to want you.
Right now, your male reflexes are screaming to do something, ANYTHING.......but just act. It is a dangerous period b/c you don't have enough DB under your belt yet, and you could actually make matters worse by reacting to her affair.
Let me ask some questions about your MR, before the affair. Which one of you put the distance between you emotionally? Who would you say wore the pants in the M? How was the sex life?
Did you ever feel your W spoke disrespectfully to you in front of your sons? Did she ever speak to you through the kids, when you were sitting in her presence ("Tell your father such & such")? Did she make snide remarks about you to friends or relatives? Did she ever show any type of disrespect toward you when out in public?
Would you say your W held resentments toward you?
Turning to another man is a red flag that she felt no connection with her H. She had unmet emotional needs. She has given up hope that her H will be the man she needs. She has a lot of resentment toward her H. She has lost respect for her H. She has become a wayward wife.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
