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Sandi,

Also, asking this because you din't chime in when I first asked and I value your opinion.

Part of me wants to just be like, "NO...go ask OM for the $$$." This would just be for the reaction though since I haven't really mentioned I know the details about him....WW3 would probably follow. I won't do it but it is fun to think about.

I believe if the man has children staying with her, he needs to pay child support for the time she has them......at least until there is a legal decision made about the finances.

I want to be understood here. It is not about administering punishment. I believe in most cases a WW will continue going in the same direction as long as someone else picks up the tab. If she said she wants a D and moved out of the H's home to get another place.....then she should experience what life without him will be for her. As for giving her money that would be part of the settlement..........that's just a decision you will have to make. Your job is to provide for your kids, not the wife who left you.

As for just giving her some money b/c she's having a tough time, I would not advise it, knowing the nature of the wayward. Child support....yes. Personal money just to help her out......no. I feel that would be a big mistake.

Ordinarily, I would tell a person to do what they deem as fair. I just think it is difficult for a nice-guy type, b/c he can always find an excuse for the WW and convince himself it is fairness.

so just short and sweet. I love it

"I have learned I cannot trust you. If you want a divorce, this is how it works"? I might even drop the part about trust. She is going to come back with a bunch of threats about taking 1/2 of everything....at which point I will wrap up the call by stating I had covered what I needed to talk about, is there anything else you would like to discuss?" If she starts yelling I will lay down a boundary of "I will not allow you to yell @ me or threaten me. If you continue to do this I am going to hang up, and in the future I will not be discussing agreements outside of correct legal process"

Dropping the words, "you have learned not to trust her", might be for the best.

When stating a boundary, you should not use the words, "I will not allow you". B/c those are fighting words to a wayward. You can't control what she does. A boundary is about your actions. "If I am being yelled at, then I will hang up the phone". (Not the best grammar, but you get the message). See, she is free to do whatever she wants. You are just telling her what YOU will do if she decides to start yelling.

Why would you have a settlement agreement if nobody is filing?

She will most likely blow whatever you give her then get more in the D settlement. I wouldn't trust her. Follow your plan and stick with the D process.

Well, I listened to my mother...... and told my WW I would give her the minimum portion of her settlement now but I would not be doing anymore in the future until part of the D process. I already feel like a fool, but I think that I would look like a liar if I changed my mind and that would be worse. this is a lose lose situation. I already give her $$ to support the kids which she has maybe 15% of the time. I knew that it would probably be a complete loss, but it's really only a few days of pay. Oh well, cheap lesson to learn. Word of advice for me in the future, don't do anything.

I don't know what I mean by do nothing, but I do know that i love my kids. She is and always will be their mother and this is a path that she feels she must take and I cannot change that.

As Sandi said, " As for just giving her some money b/c she's having a tough time, I would not advise it"

I do not believe that is what i am doing, but i do believe that this is fair even though not 100% DB'ing. WW has gotten her place without any assistance from me, but it does need to be a home for when my kids are there. Is this "Mr. Nice guy" justification, I don't know. I do know that this is probably a 180 from what WW expected. I don't know, maybe she thinks I'm just putty in her hands, but this is fair and what's right for my kids. I love her, I love my kids. Once there is a D in process things will be different, but this was a chance to show compassion for her choice and not be controlling. I don't think she was expecting it. I just told her, " that she was the mother of my children and I didn't want to see her struggle or begging for the basics" <--probably not the best DB'ing, but I didn't ask anything of her and when she tried to tell me what she needed the $$ for, I told her that she didn't need to explain it to me. This is also a 180 for a me as I generally ask 10 questions to get one answer.

Welp, tomorrow is going to be tough as we have the "Talk" with kids. Doing a lot of research online how to tell them, but open to any wisdom on how to explain two homes to kids. I think we should not say the D word, just that mommy will have a house and so will daddy.

I think your mother gave you some sage advice. Quoting my post above - please bear in mind other people here give advice to try to save your marriage, my advice is to help you get divorced.

So long as your payments do not set precedent, and you DOCUMENT that this $$ was transferred and she agreed that this was part of the settlement, then there is no risk that I see. You are throwing a bone to the wolves while you continue on your path. The worst outcome in this, for everyone (well, except the lawyers!), is to make this acrimonious and both sides start swinging.

My one concern however is that while you may have not set a legal precedent, you have now set a precedent with your WW that you will pay up when she begs or threatens. So you have to assume she will come back for more, and likely escalate. This is why it is important that you get this process through as quickly as possible. Sounds like you are waiting for her to file? If so, I actually highly doubt she will file any time soon, especially as her only motivation for filing was to get $$, which she now thinks she can get without filing.

So here is my advice -
1. Dont wait for her to file. If there is no immediate action by her, then file yourself. You need to get the settlement signed and submitted before she gets her head out of her *** and reality dawns on her, which will happen when she is out of money.

2. When she comes back for more money - defer, delay, and blame the lawyer.

3. Keep documenting absolutely everything - especially custody, kids expenses, and payments or funds to her.

I don't know. Maybe it is all the years of reading posts from nice-guy men that I can almost predict what he'll do. I felt you were going to give her the money when you first mentioned it. Even with advice, you will do what your nice-guy instincts dictate. And that's fine if that is what you really feel is right. It is your life to do as you please.

What I don't understand is why you did it and immediately say it's a cheap lesson learned.

It is only learned when you actually start handling it in a different manner.