Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Way Too Late Pt 3

Read what Sandi wrote and saved it on my phone as "a little bit of hope", thanks Sandi. 13 my W said AWFUL things to me as well, I think she just wants me to hurt as much as she did. Hang in there brother, it will get better.

Thanks Melo!
It was just sort of funny that as I've been coming out of what I can only describe as a state of shock (2+ months worth) that I started to remember just how many of these things the WW said to me as parting shots.

Sandi is right. Right now I'm no longer going to concern myself with the thought of reconciliation. I suppose what seemed like a brush with the WW considering it was nothing more than a strange anomaly, a blip on the radar.

If it actually came up though - could I do it? PTSD is right. Once you've been burned that many times, would you ever stop jumping?

It would certainly take a very good therapist to help move through this if we got to that point.

Funny, that psychiatrist I mentioned emailed me today asking if I wanted to consider some sessions - 10% discount! whoop-de-doo. Gee, thanks.

FYI, he's kind of famous, has written books and been on Larry King, MTV etc. Worked with a lot of celebrities, athletes etc. He's a nice guy, but I'm not sold on his methods 100%, although some are valuable for certain applications. Kind of like "quick decompression" or "powering up" stuff.

Anyway, what he offers is nothing I'm looking for. I don't need to feel better about the process I'm moving through, I want to work through it myself because there's a lot of things to think about. The WW could use it - because she should be feeling a lot of guilt right now. I haven't lied. I haven't had an affair. I haven't perjured myself in court documents, making things up out of whole cloth - or just saying things to make me look bad. I didn't lawyer up and sue my spouse, going after everything or wanting to destroy it all. I'm not keeping my spouse away from something she loves just to hurt them. Anything I'd like out of therapy or counseling right now are going to be practical applications.

I've made a lot of mistakes. We're all sinners. I am so sorry for anything I did to drive her to doing this. All I can do is try to become a better person. And I hope she can become the person she wants to be, whether that's her old self or some new entity. With as few stretch marks as possible!

The W has worked hard on the outside - diet, excercise, friggin' braces - but she needs something a mirror can never show. I'm afraid turning her back on God was not a good start, I think she's a rudderless ship but seems to have a 300HP Evenrude in back running at full throttle! It's too bad rebelling against me has cost her so much elsewhere.

Anyway, Tim and I will find out what the future holds soon enough I think. While a month ago I wanted nothing more than to pull things back together, I'm a bit more of a fatalist now. What happens happens. I'll go with the flow, and try to make myself the best I can be for nobody else but me.

The W had better watch out too - because I'm done with bending over in court. I've just been backed into a corner and will fight my way back out if need be.

Cannot blame you 1313 for how you are feeling. I feel the exact same as you right now too. Like you said we will find out our fates soon enough. I am starting to feel the rope quickly slipping through my hands and while there may be scars left after the rope reaches its end there will be scars one way or the other.

Gentlemen,

Been there, done that. You just don't know how long a WW will go rogue. You just don't know.

You get to multiple hills and valleys through our situations. Had a valley a week ago, when I was crying on the kitchen floor. Hit me that I'm looking for a new place to live, and more finality of the D set in.

There is hope for the M, but it fades with time, as the WW continues to ignore the splinter in her eye, while yelling at us for the splinter in our eye.

You feel like burning the old ship as you sail away one day. The next, you long for the ship. Don't make fatalistic mistakes via emotions - hatred and anger will typically steer the ship into the rocks.

Chart your new course. It takes some doing, and we're not all that skilled navigators when we've been on autopilot for so long. Chart the course. Lay out goals. Make some phone calls. Learn a new craft, a new hobby, new people. Don't EVER be afraid of saying hello to someone, especially a beautiful woman! You never know.

My wife will realize when I'm gone that her fancy for a pen-pal OM in another state, while desperately searching to be happy, is a futile effort.

The journey, you see, starts in the center of your body, with a thread to your mind, your soul. From there, the strength to imagine a new course buds, and soon, you'll be grabbing the tiller and making that course correction. Tack the ship to the new heading. Put up the jibs up, and stay the course.

1313, your wife has lots of issues... we're here, as men, because we've watched the women of our lives decide to set sail with no real heading. We have our issues as well - it takes two to tango. Realize your weaknesses, address them, and stay the course. We have the power to steer the ship!

I've learned so much from the books I've read, and from members on this board. I realize that sometimes we need to get smacked across the forehead by a 2 X 4 to really wake up and realize we can grab the tiller and make things happen. Some want another person to steer the ship. IT'S YOUR SHIP - YOU HAVE TO STEER! It's never too late to learn to chart a new course!

trumpet, you're spot on. I was saying something about being on autopilot for ages in another thread. That's exactly what I've been doing for a long, long time.

It's going to take some rewiring for a new program (to put into other terms). I've already made my decision to abandon ship, and set course on a new craft. I'm watching the W spin circles. She can catch up if she wants, I'm setting a leisurely course. But I'm setting a course.

Just an aside - I was watching an old movie tonight - ghostbusters II, a guilty pleasure I suppose, it's been years and years since I've seen it. Right at the beginning, Bill Murray has this show "the psychic". He's got 2 guests on talking about the end of the world. The second one says she was taken by an alien to a Holiday Inn who told her the end of the world would be February 14, 2016! I don't know about you, but that's pretty darned close! While the BD was 1/11 for me, I think it hit me on Valentine's day when the W went off on her date with the OM.

I guess it's good I can sort of laugh at that now. Don't worry, I'll be sobbing later on.

I won't be around until later tomorrow - it's going to be a long day. Have a great one!

Journalating:
The W actually emailed me this morning - I still have a pretty little piano alert on outlook when a message comes in from her. She said she's cleaning out the garage this weekend, if there's something I want to not disappear, go get it. And it would be great to get the motorcycle out of there.

I'm not going to dignify any of that with an answer. I guess after a week and a half vacation with the OM she's gotten more motivated. $(*w you and the @#%* you rode in on.

I've had a rough few days - since the court ordered "seek work" thing. In my line of biz you normally have a portfolio. I used to have a humdinger. But, a lot of my files are gone (I had an HD crash 12 years ago where I lost most everything of quality), a lot are apparently corrupt - many files are too small. You know it's bad when you're looking at the web archive to see if you can pull files off of it.

Not that I want to take one of these jobs (unless it's really good) because I want to finish getting my real estate license. But I hate doing anything half-@$$ either.

Anyway, when going through all the contents of old drives, I've been seeing hundreds of old photographs. Shots of the dogs when they were puppies - on the green hillside with the orange California poppies - the exact same time of year. Very sad.

Since I was the only one who ever took photos, I've pretty much got everything. Photos from 2005 to present. Considering how miserable the M was supposed to have been, month after month, year after year I see nothing but happy photos and memories. Too bad the W can't be forced to look at these. Even if she didn't snap out of her disturbed state, it would make her miserable, which she should be.

So, I'm explaining to my Mother that she won't be just left alone if I get a job, nor will she go off to a home. I also had to tell her that (as she was planning what to get the MIL as a gift for Easter) even if she or we are invited, I won't be going. She hadn't really thought about that, thinking everything is still the way it's always been.

I doubt however that either one of us will be asked. It's a family holiday, and the WW will want to go, and I have a real strong feeling that after this last week together she'll be bringing the OM. That's a real shame for my Mother, who so looked forward to holidays at their house. I really hope the WW is happy with herself and that jerk. I knew this time would be coming soon - it's so sad it's arrived.

Journalaminating.
UGh. I can assume this will go on a long, long time. 30+ years is hard to deprogram.

I've been so out of it - so wrapped up in having to get together a resume and portfolio and keep my Mother alive - I missed the cherry blossoms. This is a big part of my life here - and it just whisked by.

A 60 year old pulling together 20 year old designs is depressing beyond belief. Seriously. This is like "cutting edge music" and whipping out hooty and the blowfish or nirvana. I think that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don't want to find a job, I'm doing it for support until I get my act together for a license. But seriously, I left this industry. It's as shallow as any other performance art - you're expected to be young and beautiful. Now I'm a figure for pity. It hurts, a lot. The WW knows what she's doing. All my friends in the industry got out and got cushy teaching jobs. No more 19 hour, 13 cups of coffee chain smoking days, with every 8th Sunday off for good behavior. I laughed. Now who's laughing?

She's personally responsible for me losing my own firm back in the 90's. Yeah, it comes out. I've still been protecting her. But she screwed me, and caused my partners to get pissed and implement a shotgun buyout clause - effectively killing themselves as well. The firm survived barely 2 more years.

If say, my WW died all of a sudden, I'd be doing other things. But she won't give me that option. I'm an entrepreneur, and cannot survive at a "job". It's been this way for as long as I've known her.

So, I'm in line at the store, seeing daffodils in bunches, which I always used to buy her in the spring. The time to shoot them in the back yard is now. Everything I love for myself has been taken away as well. How does she manage to keep me from GAL? But she's done a great job.

Snap out of it 13, snap out of it. I had a friend try to slap me around today - he tried. It's like I'm watching a movie of myself.

I'm trying to improve myself, but I'm not who I am. I'm not sure who I am anymore. Everything I'm doing is fake. On paper it looks great, but I'm not feeling it. I'm going through the motions.

I paced the floor from 1am to 4:30 this morning.

I've disconnected, I don't communicate, gone dark, changed everything I can - and I just feel a huge, great vacuum. Maybe I just need for it to all be over. I so don't want it, but I can't live with this anvil hanging over my head.

Easter's looking to be properly depressing as well. Hopefully God's going to slap me around in Church tomorrow, I could use it.

1313 you know I can appreciate right where you are at, that feeling that not only did they take away our best friend and lover but our very soul. There is nothing I or anyone could say to you to ease that pain. However, I promise you she did not get your soul. 1313 is still in there somewhere, bruised battered and beaten but he is in there and you can take care of him. Money is only money, property is only property and if someone can hurt you that bad and not think twice about it, maybe they are not worth fighting for... only you can make that decision. She is an idiot for leaving you, but you are in charge of you and you have to find your happiness. Maybe that is taking care of your mother, she took care of you at the beginning of your life. Maybe it is those few minutes free, alone when you can decompress or visits with friends. I do not know what changed my mind... maybe it was going out with friends, maybe it was coming home one night and not stepping on any eggshells, maybe the pain got to much and like my IC told me a healthy organism will move away from pain, or maybe it was some of the looks I caught at the gym that made me feel confident. But you have to find what works for you and trust me it is out there. I still think of WW a lot but the pain is no longer associated with those thoughts. Now it is pity, I pity the person she is, what she is going to have to go through to better herself, and I pity how she is going to feel when she realizes what she left behind. Nothing I can do about that but pray for her.

Your WW is going to be in the same boat. Yes it may seem like she is having a great time making you miserable but she will pay the price. I never saw my mom shed a tear leaving my father, I am rather certain my WW did not as well, but I know from speaking with her over 20 odd years after the fact that there is not a day that goes by my mother does not regret that decision. My WW will be the same way I am sure and that makes me sad for her. Your WW will also have to live with that regret. If there is one thing I learned from this board is everyone is a class act that no matter how much they have improved, at the time their S walked out on them, they were already the type of person only a fool would leave. Enjoy your Easter buddy, push the pain aside and just like Christ your soul will be resurrected too.

Thanks Tim,
hope you had a great Easter.

One day at a time, one hour at a time. I was doing ok there for a bit, I'll get there again.

I'm not sure I feel much of anything towards the WW, it's more what I miss - and what has happened to me. So yeah, it's a pity party and I've got to get out of it. I just don't know why they can't just leave - that's bad enough. But to try to inflict pain - I just don't get it. But then again - nobody else here does either.

I've got a job tomorrow which will help a lot - at least for a while. TTYL.

I can understand being more of what you miss. I miss the inside jokes I had with W, how we could talk, and her energy. I miss my family all together. Unfortunately, that is gone and all I have is memories. What I do not miss is how I was treated, like a burden for years, an embarrassment and the control W held over me. What makes it easier is to now look rationally at what my WW did to me. How in front of me she would text OM and discuss it with people, while making a fool out of me. Looking at it rationally WW is not a person who wants to change, who wants my love, who wants to love me. I am ok with that but sad for her, she is going to look back at this and find that it was the biggest mistake she made. Now I have to dedicate myself to make sure that mistake has as little impact on the boys as possible.