Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis What the heck is this?

That seems to be what my H does. He's told me he listens to his radio or watches one of his 3 TV channels after work. If he wants to watch a game, he goes up to our (his) vacation home where my other satellite receiver is. I've even dropped hints that I don't watch tv on the satellite so he should take the other receiver, but he won't. He basically uses it to lull him to sleep. He used to be an early riser. Now I realize he sleeps in whenever he can and says he usually falls asleep by 8. Depression at its best.

Ciluzen - Thanks for stopping in. It's hard to tell what my h is up to. Based on how he "hibernates" when he's here, I suspect all his talk about his active social life is a little blown out of proportion. My h used to be an early riser, too. Now he sleeps until 8 or 9 in the morning. It's so hard to watch a loved one suffering and know there is nothing you can do to help them.

Well, I had my chemical peel today. All went fine, but afterwards, the girl was telling me what she wanted me to use to wash my face which meant a stop at the store on the way home. I wish she had told me beforehand as my face was red and blotchy, it was coated with sunscreen (which made me look like I had covered it in oil) and I had to go into a store! So I stop and try to shop as invisibly as I can, kept my head down so no one would notice me and how horrible I looked, used the self-checkout lane and got out as quick as I could so I could go home and hide. The things we do to look good when we look at ourselves in the mirror.

In MLC land, when I talked to h yesterday, I told him I wouldn't be in the office the rest of the week. He asked if I had anything special planned. I was stunned ... what ... you're actually showing some interest in what I'm up to? I was vague and just told him not much ... girl's night out on Friday ... maybe a movie.

He also said he'd received an email from his Mom that I was going there for Easter dinner. I don't usually do that. Since he flew the coop, I usually spend holidays, etc with my kids, with friends or travel somewhere, so this is out of character ... a 180 for me! I just told him the kids were otherwise occupied, his Mom invited me and I decided to go and asked "why?"
He said he was surprised. I thought a lot about accepting that invite because the last time they invited me to dinner, he told me not to go. My IC thinks he's trying to cut me off from his family. IDK if I agree with that, but I can see how he'd get antsy if I got too close to his parents. Then again, maybe that's what prompted to ask about what I'm doing over here. Who knows. Oh my gosh ... has he lost control???

I awoke this morning to a message (first morning text from h in a while) wishing me happy "weekend." I replied with, "Thanks."

Then I had to text him later about a maintenance issue I discovered and had a couple of questions before calling a repairman. He helped with that, then asked what I had planned for the day. I thought, "Ok, you're curious so I'll give you something." I told him about the appt to start the process to get rid of the age spots. He thought that was "cool." I also thought that somewhere down the road I didn't want to be accused of not being truthful with him. I mean, the face thing is something he SHOULD notice.

It will also be interesting to see if he takes care of the age spots he's been complaining about. One of things that I've noticed with him is that if I do something in the GAL category, he follows suit by doing the same or something similar. So, I'm curious.

He's probing to find out what I'm up to, sending texts and such ... being nice ... a friend. I might look at that as something positive, but I'm sad to say that it makes my radar go off. It makes me wonder what he wants. So sad.

Another thing that gives me pause is that his birthday is coming up soon and he will turn the same age as his Mom was when she had a debilitating stroke. She's partially paralyzed on one side of her body. I'm not sure he realizes her exact age when that happened, but it was her early 50s and that much he knows. I think that, in addition to his childhood issues, had a lot to do with where he is now. I hope he doesn't remember that he's about to turn her exact age. I'm not sure how well he'd deal with that

So, I have another down day at home tomorrow while my face peels away. I have a jigsaw puzzle ... a lighthouse, ironically ... so a day at home puzzling with some good music playing in the background should go a long way toward recharging the battery.

Hey, 2T, good for you taking care of the age spots on your face. I did a chemical peel when I was in my 20ths. It over gradual though, I had to deal with peeling face for about a month. The result was great!

Interesting similarity regarding your H’s and also ciluzen’s H’s sleeping pattern change. My H was the same, an early riser, but a couple of years before the BD he started having sleep problems. He would wake up in the middle of the night and could not go back to sleep until morning, or he would sleep in until 8 or 9 on the weekends.

It seems like the thoughts about you have been crossing your H’s mind recently. He is interested in what you are doing. I’m curious if he follows your GAL this time as well. Would he be worried about you taking care of your face? Would it prompt more questions? I just can see the alarm ringing in his head, LOL.

Lighthouse puzzle sounds wonderful! I hope you have some rest while your face is healing.

I laughed out loud at your going through the store "witness protection style." LOL! And of course, it's funny to see him keeping tabs on you when you are not sitting on your hands waiting.

I am curious about how your h seemed when he was done with this first MLC? If you have a moment can you write a bit about when he woke up and came back to the m? Were there small red flags along the way that something was still off or did he seem well done? Did it all start the same way the second time?

Bright - although each sitch is different, it's always amazes me how much similarity there is.

HaWho - thanks for stopping by. Glad I could give you a chuckle.

H didn't "finish" MLC, part 1. In part 1 I got the same speech - ILYBINILWY, I want a separation, I want to move to X (another overseas country), etc. He was involved in an EA (maybe PA - he's swears no, but I'll never know for sure) with someone he met while visiting X with a friend.

I'll never forget him returning from that trip. I took one look at him at the airport and the first thing that crossed my mind was, "That man is not the man who left here a few days ago." It was the look on his face, his demeanor ... it was like a slap to the face. It was like something snapped (that's how he later described it) ... like someone flipped a switch.

Of course, the spew was the same then ... everything about our R was bad, I had done this wrong and that wrong, it was all my fault ... and the biggie was he suddenly wanted children. He had never wanted them and now that had become a huge longing he wanted to fulfill. At that point, I couldn't help him with that one, but I think it was more of coming up with something to fault me for that I couldn't fix than something he really wanted. He now says no way he wants kids. Anyway, he wanted to move to X to see if something would work out with OW.

He moved out of the MBR (into his "dorm") and proceeded to put a lot of effort into making his fantasy of moving to X happen, but even though OW was trying to help, the logistics just didn't work. I let him know that I didn't want that, but didn't try to stop him. He gradually gave up on that idea but was desperately looking for something else. He tried going into a business arrangement with some guys he knew, but they were pretty much ne'er-do-wells and he dropped that. He decided to go back to school and enrolled in an online college. That lasted about two semesters. He wasn't working, so tried to get back into his old career, but couldn't.

While doing all this, he was trying to convince me to move back to my childhood home - even offered to arrange airfare, car rental, hotel, etc so I could look for a place to live. He was trying to get me safely put away so he could take off with less guilt. I finally told him that he didn't get to decide my future and for the time being I wasn't leaving where we were at the time (which was not an easy place to live and not somewhere he could have comfortably left me on my own).

For months and months I listened to him talk about how unhappy he was with the underlying message that he needed to get rid of me. He was extremely depressed and would go from looking toward me as someone he could talk things over with to someone who was responsible for all his problems. I was a mess, but hid it as best I could, doing my best to leave him alone to figure it out.

One night he was spewing over dinner and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I got up from the table without saying anything, went to the bedroom and started packing a suitcase. He was truly shocked, as he was so sure I would never walk out on him ... you see, I loved him and needed him so much I simply wasn't capable of that - or so he thought.

I checked into a motel and stayed gone about 4 days without telling him where I was although I did let him know I was ok. When I finally returned home, he said he had been doing research and he discovered that he had a "pattern" in his life and if he didn't break the pattern he'd be doomed to repeat it. He said he was determined to break the pattern. At that time, that seemed plausible to me, as I didn't really know anything about MLC.

At that point, we decided to sell the house and move near his parents. (We didn't sell because of our issues, but other issues going on in the community we lived in.) We also started the business we have now.

Once we moved here, he treated me much better, but the dynamic was never the same. Not as much affection, spontaneity, etc. and he didn't put his ring back on. None of what had happened was discussed. He made it clear that he didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't push it. I began to feel like I was nothing more than plan b and he had settled on staying with me simply because he couldn't make plan a work.

He wanted to go to different social affairs ... the symphony, plays, out with neighbors, etc. and I went with him, but he grew bored with them very quickly. He started watching porn on then internet and tried (unsuccessfully) to keep it from me. He had dropped every hobby he had ever been involved in and could have resumed some once we moved here, but he didn't. Once he had exhausted all the social stuff he wanted to try (and didn't like) he became a complete workaholic. It was all he thought about. (He did build a successful business.) The only "hobby" he had was to play X-Box for hours at a time on the weekends. (I was accused of making him do that.)

I saw a minimal effort to "make things work" but it was just minimal. He expressed some remorse for putting me through all of that (Part 1) and told me I was an amazing woman. That was great to hear, but he never really followed through with the action. The "little things" didn't come back. He refused to put his ring back on (actually blew up at me once when I asked about that). He'd give me cards that were signed simply "Me" instead of "love, h." Stuff like that. He did do things like send flowers on my birthday or our anniversary, but the whole dynamic was just off. I can't really explain it ... it just didn't feel "real" for lack of a better way to put it.

In the meantime, my whole focus was to try to avoid going through "his pattern" again and I became pretty much a doormat ... doing anything he wanted, putting my needs and wants aside to accommodate his, etc. I was so afraid of getting hurt again and I now knew he was capable of hurting me like no other person could. I didn't demand his respect. I didn't push uncomfortable conversations that might have been beneficial. I didn't stand up for myself. I let him walk all over me. HUGE mistake.

So, although it wasn't my intent, when I packed a suitcase and left, it woke him up and made him realize he could lose me. Then instead of continuing to enforce my boundaries I became a complete doormat out of fear and gave him the message that he could treat me any way he liked and get away with it. Dumb, dumb, dumb!

When trying to move to X, h had become very secretive but once we moved here, he became more transparent and didn't really try to hide things (except the porn) that I'm aware of until I discovered the new OW which led to BD #2 and a complete lock down of his life.

Both times, he's expressed that he knew he was messed up. I saw the pain he was in the first time; not as much this time since he isn't here all that much (but you can still see it in his eyes sometimes). He referred to himself recently as the family "mental case" and he has sought help ... just not quite the kind of help he really needs (which would be an IC).

I also notice he focuses on something I can't or won't give him. The first time was children. This time it's living overseas. He knows I won't leave my family here. I don't think he really wants to spend the rest of his life overseas anymore than he really wanted children.

In any case, when Job says don't interrupt their journey - that it will make it longer - the proof that she is right is typing this post right now. I interrupted his journey, although I certainly had no intention of doing so. Had I known then what I know today about MLC, I'm sure I would have handled things differently.

In some ways I feel bad. H has been depressed for years and I didn't see it ... didn't understand what was going on with him. But hindsight is 20/20, so I don't beat myself up about it. I couldn't have prevented his MLC, but had I known more about it, maybe it would have been shorter.

So, this MLC is just a continuation of Part 1. It's like he put it on the back burner and when he reached a point that he could financially, logistically, and every other "..ially" pick up where he left off, he did. And he did it bigger and better than round 1.

HaWho, I don't know if that helps in your sitch or not. But it sure illustrates the importance of letting them finish their journey and of maintaining "you" after your own journey is complete.

After re-reading my post, I don't want to give anyone the impression that h went on a trip with a buddy and snapped.

Looking back on it (that 20/20 hindsight again), the underlying depression was already there.

We moved out west because h had always wanted to build a ranch in the west. At first it was an adventure for both of us and always was for me. I loved it, but it wasn't an easy life.

When we first moved there, we'd take off on a day trip most every weekend and explore the area, but he lost interest in doing that.

The house was nearly done and h lost interest in finishing it. There was exterior work, mostly cosmetic, that needed to be finished and the kitchen was still "temporary." Those things didn't get done until after his trip and we got ready to sell.

We had always traveled a lot, but now money was tight and there were animals (horses) to tend to and we were pretty much stuck at home. No travel.

We went to auctions and would find things we could clean up and refurbish and sell on ebay for a little extra money and H did that for a while, then lost interest.

He had thought that once he built the house, he would find a decent job (a career) but jobs were scarce and he remained unemployed.

There were issues in the community that threatened our property value and that caused him great concern (and is why we sold and moved).

My mother lost her home (an apt) on the east coast due to a hurricane and she was living with us, which put a damper on our usual playful interaction.

All of the excitement of our adventure seemed to fade for him and he became stuck in the everyday "have to do" routine and lost interest in most everything we had planned or hoped to do out there.

Looking back on it, he was depressed before he took that trip with his buddy ... I just didn't see it. There was some trigger over there that set the MLC in motion. I don't know what it was and probably never will. I don't think he even knows what it was, but I could be wrong. It very well could have been that he was unfaithful and couldn't face what he had done. But if he was, that would have been totally out of character for him ... not something he (or I) would have ever thought he could do for I knew he loved me to depths of his soul. Which brings me back to depression and MLC.

I just wanted to clarify that and not lead anyone astray.

That is all very, very helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time to post it all.

Actually, it's oddly reassuring. I was worried that you were going to say he was fully baked, high functioning, etc. and then whoop, back he goes out of the blue.

Do not blame yourself. We all do the best with the info we have at the time we have it. Before we know it's MLC, we learn to trust a person's words (especially if we are dealing with someone who was always forthright.)

Of course your takeaway, to let them complete and keep your changes, is a valuable reminder. But, it's most interesting what your inner voice was saying.

Thank you again.

Thanks for posting that 2times, it is super helpful. I hope you enjoyed your down day.

HaWho, M - I'm glad you found something helpful in my story. If it helps others, I'm happy to share it.

The down days have been good for recharging the batteries. My face is still peeling and I hope I'm done by Monday when I have to go back to the office.

I did go out last night to a movie ... 10 Cloverfield Lane. It was an interesting one with a somewhat unexpected ending that I won't spoil.

So, I've been thinking about a couple of things the past few days and thought I'd throw this out there concerning h's low self-esteem and how to deal with it.

When h set up his living arrangements over there, he found an apt near the better part of the city that is near the embassies and gov't offices. I'm fairly certain that he presents himself as a highly successful, American businessman who "fits in" with the high achievers over there and is worthy of their respect. He is a successful businessman, so it's not really a stretch ... just not as much of a "bigwig" as I suspect he portrays.

When he talks about going out, he'll say things like, "I might go out and have a drink with my friend from the UN" or "I've been invited to a party at the Italian Embassy" or "I'm playing in a dart tournament at the British Embassy." Whenever he brings up a name of someone he knows over there, he always attaches what they do or where they work, which is usually some embassy job or a high ranking position in their field.

The need to live in the "right" part of the city, to embellish your accomplishments, to associate with the "right" people and to let others know "who" you know just cries out low self-esteem to me and I don't know how to deal with that one.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure the low self-esteem issue has been there for some time, but until this mess, I was always his biggest cheerleader and my approval and respect seemed to be all he needed. I suspect that after MLC round 1, it may have come across to him that he no longer occupied his spot atop my pedestal (and he didn't) and he may have felt he couldn't regain that spot after all that went down (IDK).

Anyhow, how do you subtly let someone know that they are worthy of respect in their own right and don't need to oversell themselves or use associations with others to boost how others view them? How do get across to someone the message that they are a valuable person deserving of respect just by being who they are when at the moment they're engaging in behaviors (and know they are) that invalidate that message. How do you become a very, very subtle cheerleader when there isn't much to cheerlead about? Or do you even try?

What he tells you about meeting up w/someone from an embassy, etc., is called bragging and wanting to impress you and others. He wants you to think that he's living the "high/impressive" life, which I don't think he is. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's going out to the local pub and playing darts w/folks that are in the joint at that time. People are pretty smart and will pick up on his "quirks" fairly quickly if he drops his mask a bit.

Yes, he has low self esteem and he's trying very hard to fit in w/others on their level. Can he do that? They love to play dress up and wear masks all of the time, but when they come home, the mask falls and they are alone once again to sit and brood.

All you can do is encourage and validate him. When he tells you about his "friends in high places", just say, that's nice and I hope you had a good time. There's nothing more you can do for him, but listen, validate, encourage and appear interested in what he's telling you. He's the only one that can work on the self esteem issue (which is part of his MLC journey).

BTW, the MLCer loves to brag about what they are doing, especially when he/she thinks it will make you think that they are living an exciting life.

I hope your face is doing well. It takes time for the peeling to stop. Did they give you any suggestions for how to take care of it while it's healing?