Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers So Much Time is Passing By Pt. II

That makes sense. I've been very down because I've heard that H is still telling people we are getting a D and making it seem as though I agreed to it. I don't even know what to say to him. I want to bring it up that I didn't agree. All I did was validate him but not agree. Is that the only reason he is being nice to me? So that I will agree and make it easier on him?

I feel like I am going crazy. I just cried the entire church service to the point where people had to walk over to me. I feel like I'm crying blood at this point.

Hey Broke,

Whether you realize it or not, each tear that you shed is a tiny step towards detachment. Eventually you will have no more tears to cry.

Trust the process, you are doing great.

I know it feels like there's no possibility that you will ever feel good again, don't believe the lies you are telling yourself. Have faith.

Just make it through today and then reset tomorrow morning and make it through tomorrow.

The truth is, you really are going to be ok.

Make your faith bigger than your fear.

Sorry I meant to say Hope not broke

One day at a time Hope. One day at a time. I think they tell everyone that just to make themselves feel good for what their doing?

Thanks everyone. I had a panic attack at church and that was very hard.

But on the other side of that H said he would come over, and he did. I made dinner and we talked about bills, taxes, finances, his goal to get us out of debt, his job, my search for a job, what to do about the apartment, our friends, etc. There was laughter, but I also made a point to let him know I don't want the D and that I wish he would stop telling ppl that I agreed to it and how It hurts that people know more about my M than I do.

I know I messed up. I figure I've slightly dropped the rope so it doesn't matter if I'm honest with my feelings. I was light and airy and validating but at the same time telling him that sh** is real and I'm actually really struggling. He keeps telling me he will help me with everything.

When we talked about taxes and insurance he said, "You do it, you always handle that stuff. You know what you're doing." And I said, "See, thats why you need me," as a little joke. So yeah, there's alot of things I probably should have kept to myself. I guess at this point I feel like everything else I do either pushes him away or gets me nowhere so why fake the funk?

He says he appreciated how accommodating I've been this entire time and made it seem like he knew it was time to accommodate me. He told me he doesn't know if he is the type to be married and doesn't want to be married. I listened, validated and told him the things I've realized about how our interaction used to be and how that may have affected his feelings on marriage. So yes, a bit of "reasoning" was thrown in there. At some point in the convo he says, "Sometimes I think this is the right thing to do and then sometimes I think about what the opposition/alternative is or could be. I just don't know. I know what it looks like it's going to happen but I don't know."

He stood up, asked me for a hug, I walked him outside and he mounted his bike and rode off in the snow/rain to his apt (I think). I'm not reading into it. He says he's sorry I'm hurt and in this position and he doesn't mean to hurt me and that he knows this isn't ideal. We prayed together, holding hands. Sigh, I'll keep detaching.

Hi, Hope. I don't have any advice to give you, as I do not know what to say, the whole conversations seemed like up and downs and mixed signals. I just want you to know, I can understand the confusion H is causing for you. Obviously, such confusion leads to pain, which is not fair to you. I do not think you blew anything by being honest with H. Your feelings are your feelings and if you have a conversation about the R then you need to be honest. Honesty is really what we have left, as long as it is not accompanied by begging, pleading and crying and as long as we do not initiate.

Tim, just reading you response, Im thinking that I should just back away again b/c like someone said, this is just a rollercoaster. But I can't expect to be NC until H comes around and says he wants to come back...that's unrealistic to think he would just up and have the thought that he wants/needs to come home. So where do I draw the line between engaging contact and validating, DBing and not having expectations? I don't even know wht I'm saying.

It seems like the WASs that come back have lots of convos about the R before they do - it doesn't seem like they just waked up one morning and say, "I want to go back home!" So I guess in the meantime I keep making plans without H.

* woke up

Yeah I hear you hope. I feel the same thing. I can't work on R alone without any investment from WW. I do not see any investment from WW, so the best I can do is to take another step forward.

I also have this thought running through my mind today. They say the anger and resentment took years to build until it got to where we are and of course it does not go away overnight. My question is what builds in us during the time we are DBing. Some of us continue to get more angry, some depressed, some, anxiety, and so on. I get that GALing and other methods are truly concerning with alleviating this but really what builds inside of us during this time? I do not think it is our love for our WAS or WS.