Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I swear there some sparkling somewhere...(4)

Thorton is giving great advice sparkls. There will be hurt and bumps along the way. You do move on and find happiness, I experienced it with my exW as well. Now she is just the mom of my first 2 nothing else.

Pursuing isn't the best option for a couple reasons.
1. It makes them want you less. Makes you someone they can just have when they like, not someone they want.

2. Even if there is some reconciliation from pursuing, it is time bomb, as neither party takes the time to repair all that went wrong the first time. Sure an effort may be put in at first, then without noticing you can easily slide back into how it was. This I have also experienced with WW. I didn't mention it when
I started because it wasn't the problem when I started and it got pushed back, but W has left me before. Similar reasons, unhappy etc. and it was an A that time too. That's how I knew something was up this time. I pursued and pushed and we got engaged. I thought all was fine, it took a few years till this happened again, but it happened again because I didn't change. So this time I am.

Use your time to find out what you really want and don't not give in to whoever wants you,
TimR made an awesome list of your qualities. They are why you are great, don't lose focus of those.

Doesn't seem like he can even be pushed further away...

I know the feeling, but trust me it will make them resent you even more.

Sparkls,

Keep with the NC. You can't change them. They are not the same person anymore. I struggle with the same thing and am trying to get through everyday. Your spouse will have to figure out what makes them happy.

Tyler - thank you for sharing your story about pursuing WW and, then, taking the time to make changes this time because you didn't before. That is really powerful and important for all of us DB'ers to remember - we really need to change for ourselves first.

Sparkles - Not sure if you decided what to do about Facebook. My H made fun of me for being on Facebook. Once we separated, he got an account. I found out my BIL was sending him screen shots of everything I posted. So, I blocked all of my in-laws, my H and the OW. It's been about 3 months and it is a relief not to have to worry about what I may see or how careful I have to be posting now.

Sorry you are feeling so low today. I started off today feeling pretty good and have kind of gone downhill some. I hope you can get out and do something for yourself today. I am looking forward to hearing about your match on Friday! Take care of yourself

Sparkls- I had my friend today tell me something that kinda stuck with me. She said if i think my situations bad, there is always worse. Her boss who is 40 walked in on her boyfriend who is 41 having sex with her 18 yr old daughter, and found out they were having a baby and he was leaving her for her daughter. I WAS LIKE WHAT?! It could always be worse.

I don't know how NC feels since I talk to my H almost everyday even if it's how are the babies? they are good text.

I know that besides that though, I do not call, text, or try to contact him..and it hurts. I hate it. I know it feels like we are out of sight , out of mind..but I also know chasing makes it worse.

Chasing a dog that runs away makes them run away more(trust me, I have had to chase my dog down a few times for escaping.) Not chasing her, she has the choice..and she always comes home or at least comes back to where I am standing.

I think our people who leave are the same.. If we chase them, they will high tail it faster to escape..but if we DO NOTHING..then they have a choice. Choose us or walk away for good. Doing nothing and no contact doesn't really make things better, BUT at least you know you aren't making things worse right?

Good way to look at it, Red and Sparkles. And, I can tell you from experience that when I pursued, begged and pleaded, my H withdrew further and further away from me. So, I can't go NC (and that must be awful) because of the kids, but I am detaching as much as I can.

Yeah I haven't been able to get out of my funk. Took the dogs on an extra long walk and it just meant more time to think about everything.

I feel like he's pushing me out of his life. Why he's doing it is up for debate. (is it too hard for him or does he somehow just hate me).
But I just feel like if I keep letting him push me out, then what's the outcome? I'm gone from his life and he has no reason to second guess himself.

I struggle with when to say what I"m doing isn't working, as I've said many times.
Is what I'm doing a cheeseless tunnel now? And if so, what do I change? I'm not going to sit there begging him to come home (anywhere but in my head). But if what I'm doing isn't getting me closer to my goal, shouldn't I change tactics?

What other techniques in the book, would you consider employing Sparkls?

I don't even know. But if NC isn't yielding anything, then maybe friendly non-R related contact is better?

He probably wouldn't even respond to me