Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers So Much Time is Passing By Pt. II

I hate the Divorced guy/gal stigma also. I keep thinking of the movie, Eat, Pray, Love and how I am that woman right now.... just out there "rebuilding her life" and "rediscovering her true self." They glamorize this life like people can just snap out of it and move on if they take an international vacay and sleep with a bunch of ppl. But ppl don't see what happens at night, on the weekends and in the mornings when the loneliness sets is.

Apparently, my H is crushing it at work also. Makes me kind of upset.

Not too excited of another weekend sans H but, trying to think of things I can do to shake up my recent routine.

H said he was going to come by last night. I didnt expect him to come, but I said check in with me before to make sure I'm not busy. Usually he doesn't say anything but I was pleasantly surprised when he actually text me and said, "Sorry I cant make it..." b/c he was still at work and didnt plan on leaving that late. I had kind of forgotten that he said he would come by and luckily, I was out at a bar so that helped me respond easier. Go figure lol. Anyway, he said that he'd come by this weekend. I don't know if he will but it would be so nice to just hang out with him as the loving husband and wife team again. I don't know what he does on weekends but I'm sure he's having a blast.

Well hope then i suggest you go out, and have a blast too.

Absolutely not. I am simply saying that it is hard to tell neediness from commitment sometimes. Sometimes people that say they are committed to M change their tune 6-12 months down the road when they no longer 'feel' in love with their WAS, when they no longer 'need' them to feel good in their life, and when they are angry. So I guess what I'd say is that you can tell true commitment when the only feelings remaining are negative. But I believe you are one of them based on your last post (quoted below).

One warning bell that goes off is when you use the phrase 'giving up'. Everything I say from here on I've said before, but I can never remember who's read it, so here goes. What does "giving up" mean to you? What would you do differently if you "gave up"?

If giving up means rebounding, burning bridges with WAS, etc, then NO, don't give up.

But if giving up means letting go, accepting your M is dead, rebuilding yourself, grieving, moving forward with your focus on you, detaching, GALing, and focusing on 180s for YOU to be the best you can be...then I am a BIG FAN of giving up.

They are different. And I think most people are afraid of doing what they should because they feel like it's giving up. And, to my first point, they're afraid that if they let go of their loving feelings they will never R. But if you're truly committed to M then you can have faith that you can let your love die off, knowing that feeling love is just a feeling, and that it can be rebuilt if the opportunity arises appropriately.

Most newcomers need help letting go. In fact, my biggest breakthrough came when I decided to 'give up' and accept my life as it was. I still remember the post because I got in trouble with Mr. B



This is tied in my mind for the worst thing in this universe (along with people that surf their phones while they're hanging out with you). The idea that D is a natural stage of growth, like childhood, school, college, work, marriage, family, divorce, rebirth, growth, bloom into independent new-age 2nd generation human being that is too wise to accept a relationship that doesn't jive with their sophisticated lifestyle.

The social endorsement of divorce is the biggest social epidemic facing our culture today, and I pray that, like slavery, in 100 years people will look back and shake their heads that we used to destroy our own families voluntarily.

Don't get me started Hope. Don't do it. Don't let Zuessy get rolling on this topic. I will take a deep breath. There. There it goes. I'm ok again. Another breath. There's a book I like on my bookshelf. And over there is a stick of gum that would be enjoyable to chew. And tomorrow I can shoot some pool with my friend. And Sunday I get my kids and can read to them about when Gandalf encounters the Balrog. Breathing. I'm ok now. I really am. You all are invited. Join me in my happy place...;)

Once again, thank you for weighing with your always interesting perspective.



I see what you mean and how my commitment could be taken as neediness - heck I was very needy early on in this and have been in my M for quite some time. At first, there was a little part of me that just didnt want to be alone. But I've realized over the last few months that I truly love my husband, the time we spent together, who he is as a person and what value we've brought to each other's live, good or bad. He was truly my best friend, knew me better than anyone in the world and I him, at least I thought I did. Regardless, though I don't like H right now, I am still very much in love with him and committed to our M. Of course, thats a hard thing to do when you're the only one doing it, sitting at home by yourself with no clue where your spouse it at but, this is what I'm doing.



I was talking to a friend the other day abotu the difference between giving up and being patient. And considering your opinions on "giving up", ya, I guess I could say that's what I thought "giving up" meant. Giving up as in the way I interact with him doesnt matter anymore and all of that nice, loving distance, validation, etc. stuff goes out the door. But I just actually had another epiphany while writing this that even still, thats how one should treat people no matter what: loving them, being kind, not controlling and supporting. So I guess in a way, I won't ever "give up."

But I have given up in the sense of DB and all the ways you mention above. That hope still exists and is strong inside of me but I'm coming to terms with just accepting this is my life right now and all I can really do is lean on God and trust in Him that He is working all things together for my good.


[quote=Zues126]This is tied in my mind for the worst thing in this universe (along with people that surf their phones while they're hanging out with you). The idea that D is a natural stage of growth, like childhood, school, college, work, marriage, family, divorce, rebirth, growth, bloom into independent new-age 2nd generation human being that is too wise to accept a relationship that doesn't jive with their sophisticated lifestyle.

The social endorsement of divorce is the biggest social epidemic facing our culture today, and I pray that, like slavery, in 100 years people will look back and shake their heads that we used to destroy our own families voluntarily.

Don't get me started Hope. Don't do it. Don't let Zuessy get rolling on this topic. I will take a deep breath."

Hahaha, sorry I got you all worked up over there Zues. But I agree. It's way too easy and acceptable to get a D. To just walk out and leave your family, kids or no kids. H would shush me, make up his face in a disgusted way and say, "Don't talk like that," whenever I would talk about the what-ifs of a D. Yes, I was stupid for even using that word but nevertheless. Now he's put it on the table and thinks its "the best thing." There's nothing best or good about D. It ruins people inside and out and is a living death. I honestly can't even believe my H has entertained this.Sigh, I love him so much, I honestly just wish he'd man up and step up to his M commitment. Yeah, that's what I pray.

Woke up this morning missing H but I understand what is happening. Just trying to trust the process. Wish he was here.

Hang in there Hope.

So H says he's going to come by this weekend to help me with the bills and stuff. How can I have a convo with him about separating bills and our life while still wanting him to come back to me?!

HopeRB,

I have been dreading this same conversation. I have been paying some of W bills because I don't want to have the discussion about separating them. I don't have an answer for you but as time goes on I realize more and more right now she doesn't care about me only herself so I am concentrating on me and my Daughter and I will be telling her to pay her own bills very soon. I can't keep living like a doormat.

Yeah albac, I feel like H is avoiding the discussion also. But I'm tired of waiting around to find out when the money will come in. In my head, having bills together keeps up somewhat connected so thats why I've entertained it for so long. And H has told me a few times he will no longer be helping. I've stopped asking. So I'm not sure what else there is to talk about. I think he may be curious to see what I'm doing...but I'm not sure.

We also have taxed, insurance, other stuff so i really don't even know. I know the last time we saw each other, it was half bill talk, half laughter. I'd prefer 75% laughter and 25% (or less) bill and separation talk.