Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Way Too Late Pt 3

I don't think it was temp checking or just to kick you in the gut. If she was getting cold feet, it was b/c her "Plan A" was not looking quite as solid as she had hoped.

There is a reason the LBH is called her Plan B, or the backup.

Whatever it was, you can bet she was thinking of only herself. I realize some folks immediately jump at believing she was considering reconciliation, however I highly doubt her objective was to work on a MR with you. For whatever reason, she temporarily saw more profit or security in remaining legally married. Later, she had a change of mind.

I base this on the typical pattern of attitude & behavior of a wayward wife, and the fact your W has given zero signs that would indicate wanting another chance at a "relationship" with you.

When a LBH is dealing directly, or indirectly, with his WW.........the first thing he needs to do is to remember what drives the wayward. Pure selfishness! She looks at everything to see what's in it for her. If there is nothing in it for her......she doesn't want it.

Thanks Sandi, that confirms what the L was thinking - she didn't like the fact that she probably hadn't weighed issues such as spousal support being as high as it is.

Wanting to move to arbitration would do me zero favors in this regard, and as I mentioned earlier - I would have been all for a mediator at the beginning, but never would have found out about her other bank account for example.

It's painfully obvious she's thinking of nothing but herself, and is now doubling down and doing the exact opposite of what she asked for.

Journaling:

This morning getting ready to go out on job, begging Mother to just hold still, don't go manic etc (didn't work). My phone started ringing while I was gathering equipment - looked and it was a private number. There are only 2 private numbers of people I know. My Wife's real estate coach and friend, and a tenant. I figured it was the tenant, as there's no reason for the coach to call me.

Brief history: The coach has been a friend for over a decade, and I've made friends with her H. He got Parkinson's, and I would sit with him as the coach travels around the country - the W used to help her a lot, as did I at various seminars. Last year, when the W started going sideways she had a falling out with the coach.

What had happened was the coach had pulled some strings to get a broker to take the W in at a very high end company in a very high end town. The W had talked about doing this, and suddenly here was an offer. The coach even called me and asked me to try to get the W to make the move. I declined. I wanted the W to be happy, and didn't care about the $. (the W later accused me of never loving her - it was all about the $).

So, the W went to this brokerage, and they treated her like the red-headed step child. She was devastated, and I was there for her every step of the way. I asked her to go back to her old office - which accepted her back with open arms. It was right at this time the W snapped. Hindsight is always 20/20. So, the coach felt as though she made a fool of herself pulling strings to have the W leave. The W never should have gone - and whether or not the W really believes it, I got the blame. The W and coach stopped talking, and the long, downhill spiral in my M began (although I thought things would be great for her - I even made up a bunch of Dorothy "there's no place like home" cards and posters and we had a party.

So, for just about a year - the coach has been out of our lives, which made me quite upset as I no longer got to see the coach's H, I didn't want the W to be uncomfortable, and I felt weird about it too. The coach has always kept a strange "distance" in friendship - I could never just stay with the H, but had to be paid. I didn't like that at all. Although now I'm reevaluating just what friendship means - so maybe she had it right after all!

I was actually glad the W wasn't seeing the coach, because when I get my license I had hoped to start classes with her. Unfortunately, all of a sudden and out of the blue - they kissed and made up. The W is helping at all the classes again. This would make attending impossible at this point for me, and if I move past the pain, just extremely awkward.

Fast forward back to today. The phone rings a minute later, same private number. I get a strange feeling who it might be. I listen to the message and yes - it's the coach. This is the same person who may or may not have talked some sense into the W last week, prompting that "stop the divorce" text and call to L.

She was asking me to sit with her H, as she had been having problems finding somebody to care for him when they're in town. Just to let you know - these people are, um, very well off. They used to rent a home of another friend in the Monterey Bay area, but gave it up so now they just get a couple of very nice hotel rooms it seems. She told me when they'd like me - and said they'd pay me $375 a day. Again, I'd sit with him for free.

While I was at the job, the number called again, and I started feeling stressed. So, I called back. First I said I thought I'd never hear from them again, she didn't quite understand and I didn't explain. (I felt that the W would certainly have poisoned that well - I used to think she was a good judge of character - but she sure misread the W as did I!). I explained that I couldn't do it though, as I would have to find somebody to sit with my Mother. Kind of a laugh there.

I said I would love to see the H, I've really missed him an awful lot. He's terribly crippled up - but God, what a sweet guy. Of all my friends, of all the people I know, he was the only one who called me when I lost my little dog to cancer 3 years ago. Right away, the morning it happened.

So I talked briefly about classes, she said she'd do anything to help me. I didn't explain anything about my sitch - except that I'm in financial straights as the only money I have is being contested.

So, that left me feeling very strange. I really wanted to tell her a few weeks ago just what the W has said and done to me, but now I just don't care. What I do care about is the fact I have to work through seeing the W at the classes, the fact she'll be having to interact with me as she's helping - I'm not strong enough gang. I'm just not.

Part 2 continued below.

So, I'm driving to the market in the rain this afternoon. I start getting flooded with all these thoughts - thinking of when this started after she came back to her office. When the gaslighting started in earnest. But mostly, the things she said to me at the end. Really hurtful, really weird stuff. Disturbing almost.

All the things she brought up about sex, basically saying she wouldn't have married me - or wanted to back out - a terrible honeymoon night (the entire honeymoon therefore was null and void), all these other circumstances or things that happened as far as sex or feeling let down or whatever. I also don't like it when she's drunk. She doesn't remember, and I can't tell you how many times she's just passed out.

I could tell you all the things she said - I think it would shock even some of the vets. I've honestly blocked it out - but when I reflect - she's hinted at these same things for years.

Believe half of what they say...

Still. All this makes me think of is how "fulfilled" she's feeling with the OM, and how she's had to harbor these thoughts and feelings for 30 years. I have no such resentment. Sure, if I think hard - but it's just as easy to let go. And when you're almost 60, other things start to become just as important or more so.

So now I wonder. If she were to come crawling back tomorrow. Do I want this?

I know I've said I would do anything. I still love her with all my heart. It hurts to be without her. I miss her, I miss her friendship. I feel a void that will never be filled. However, another pain is no longer present. Is she really happy now? Can I deny her that if I've been such a complete letdown? Is it that important to her? Even though she went through early menopause - maybe her lack of desire had nothing to do with that at all. Was it me all along?

I don't know. What I do know is that I can't return to that. Yes, it would have to be a "new" relationship with "new" people, but can it ever be? The things I would have to move past. Not just the terrible things she said about me, about us, but the OM as well. Somebody who I don't ever see her cutting ties with. The more this goes on, the more I realize it's a fantasy. We're both living in one. I could almost deal with her A if she cut ties - but the things she said about the past go much deeper.

I've got to drop the rope now. It kills me. It hurts something awful. But I'm not sure what I'd find at the other end of that rope if I pulled it in now.

So, I get to the market. I go to a different one now - it's closer, not as upscale which is funny because it's actually more expensive, bigger and not as much stuff.I go there mostly because it's different (change patterns, familiar places), and I won't bump into the W.

For some reason I have these emotional washes when I go there - I don't know why. Nothing there reminds me of the W - but just like when I started sobbing at the checkout line when I saw the greeting cards.

So, I bump into the W of a couple and our original next door neighbors here. They moved about 3-1/2 years ago. We start with the "hi!" everything's great, life is good - well - I guess you didn't hear?

I don't go into detail anymore - I don't want to scare these poor people off unless they ask. So, I just said she lawyered up, and there's somebody else. I said it was a surprise (the WW says it wasn't) but I got the ILYBINILWY, and then 2 months later when I thought we stood a fighting chance in counseling she files having never planned on anything else. So yeah, surprise. Dummy.

I told her in hindsight it was obvious, and I was ignoring the signs. I could have done something - maybe even turned it around. But I screwed up. I was a jerk, I thought we were married, and I made a LOT of mistakes. She no longer cared if I was rectifying or not.

The neighbor was stunned - we were one of those couples that people thought worked together so well. Funny how the W used that against me and said how she felt other couples worked together so well when she's dealing with them in real estate. If she really feels that way, I'm sorry and sad. But, I can't believe anything she says.

Interesting - the neighbor told me this. "That's weird, because I knew something wasn't right. I texted her 2 weeks ago asking if she knew of any rentals, or could find out for me She never answered back".

The W not answering back is weird, and that's not in her character at all. It's just as easy to say "don't know of anything, I'll let you know if I hear". They used to text frequently.

Anyway, we had as nice a talk as possible when I'm describing what my living situation is - the W having a huge house all to herself and answering any other questions she had if I knew. She said her H would be devastated (yeah, join the club!) and we said goodbye. She says she's there every day at the same time - and to keep in touch. Too bad I forgot to get her latest contact info - I usually counted on the W for that stuff.

Seems like the W is dropping the ball on friends and business. I guess that's not unusual though. I wonder though about her mental state. I saw she's seeing a psychologist friend of ours (the last time I saw her shared calendar before I turned it off a few weeks ago) so I hope she's continuing.

Hey 1313, it has been awhile since you posted. Your story could have been any one of us. My WW said awful stuff to about sex. In fact she went as far as calling me a 'fag' but I know and remember the truth. I was the one begging to be with my wife. However rejection after rejection made my attempts less and less. Sad thing is you hear things you just cannot unhear during their spewing. They are our wives and know how to hurt at the time they enjoy it. IMHO.

Friends are a double edge sword. You want to save the relationship yet in being truthful you harm chances of reconciling. It is hard to make that call, who do you tell, who do you not tell, how much do you tell and how do you put it to terms. Are you angry, are you passive IDK. To me that is such an individual decision.

Then there is the decision of do you want your WW back. That is something we all must struggle with. It is apparent in everyone's thread. I will admit I have the same thoughts very often. I do not think it is an issue with love but rather an issue of pain. If we give up maybe the pain goes away quicker... makes sense. If we get angry and lash out there is no room for pain at the moment. It is easier to live our lives angry than it is in despair. It gives us back control because we are choosing to end it, at least in our minds.

You have a lot of good points but these are things we must search our souls for.

Keep up the good fight and don't lose yourself in it.

Hi Tim, thanks for that.
The "shrink" friend the W is seeing is the type of person that helps her work through what she's doing - and feel better about it. So no resolution will come from what she's doing, she's just going to feel less stress.

I think with the distance I've had these last couple of months I've had a chance to finally look at things more objectively. I suppose if there were a chance for R, I would have a pretty good idea of what I'd need out of her, which is a heck of a lot. I also am seeing what I need to do to improve myself. Sadly, I was well on track for a lot of that. I need to continue.

I think the hardest part for me now is I've got to come to the realization that nothing is going to stop the process she's started. It's no longer in our hands - that's how the system is rigged. There's no "hold" button, it goes forward. The fight is only going to get uglier as I watch somebody I care about self-destruct. It's very sad. It's almost like watching somebody commit suicide. She's killing who she used to be, and I think convincing herself that this is a positive path.

All I can do is focus on what I'm going to be on the other side at this point. And come to terms with not recognizing the W any longer.

It is always shocking to see how much the character of the WW changes. The waywardness is born from seeds of resentment and disrespect. Her heart is like a uterus that carries these negative, unresolved feelings that feeds and grows bigger over a period of time (some take longer, some are short). Eventually, the heart gives birth to this ugliness....... and rebellion is born.

Just as pregnancy and giving physical birth has an obvious affect on a woman's body, giving mental birth to this rebellion affects her heart. She is barely recognizable b/c her character is distorted.

A doctor once told me that it takes about two years for a woman's body to fully recover giving birth. (He was talking about the inside of her body). Just getting her figure back is a challenge! She has to work very hard to lose the baby fat and firm that tummy. With me, there was something from my pregnancies that remained to this day. The stretch marks. I will forever have the scars. At first, the scars really bothered me b/c they were fresh and I was young. Now, well I know they are there, but I have lived with them for a long time and, really, don't think about it.

FWIW, a wayward wife can recover, and her original character can be restored. It takes time (everyone's period of time varies). I think there are stretch marks from her experience. Once she decides to regain her original character, she will have to work really hard and long to get there (again everyone takes varies lengths of time). In the beginning, the scars are still fresh and more noticeable. Eventually, she learns to live with them, and she doesn't dwell on them.

This may be a poor anology, but I just wanted to let you know that it is possible for the WW to find her way back. It's painful and hard. There will be scars. You can live with scars, but you can't live with deep, open wounds. Healing is so important. When a couple decides to reconcile, I think it is important to get a family therapist to give them assistance and guidance in that healing process.

I realize you two aren't at that point yet, but you can tuck this under your hat till then.

Thank you Sandi, I like you analogy. I just wander if I can be with a person who I know has this inside them? If that is even an option, who knows??? But something tells me if I do and there is reconciliation, why do I feel I will be the one with the greatest scars from this process?

That is a decision you have to make for yourself.

As far as you having scars, you may be right, or you may experience something like PTSD. I don't think either person goes through this and comes out the other side without some type of emotional affects for a while.