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Collin: Long time no talk. I wanted to let you know that I'm keeping my promise - twice a day

Hey all. I know I've been absent for a while. I've been trying to forge ahead. I've taken up walking/jogging. Thanks to this forum I've set a goal for myself to complete a half marathon by the end of the year.

However though moving ahead is so difficult. She's still at home and still talking about moving out. She said a few days ago that she was looking at a 3 month lease. But then yesterday she said we are better off as friends. We hang out, go places and have fun. I (probably naively) see that as promising. But after what she says yesterday, I think maybe it's just validating her stance of " better off as friends".

I'm at church now and it's probably not the best time to be posting on here. I just wanted to get on here and thank everyone for their help, support and prayers. I will continue this later.

my shift key has randomly gone out, so this post will be completely free of proper capitalization. i apologize in advance.

but, i need some guidance and opinions on what my wife asked last night-

we were riding down the road, we still hang out - go out to eat and what not, she asked me, 'so, hypothetically speaking, nothing set in stone yet, if i did stay at home, would you move into the other room?'

currently i sleep on the couch as the other room she is talking about has been used for the foster dogs, but we are adopting out 3 this coming up weekend and another has an application and the other 2 are perfect dogs that i don't mind bunking up with.

but, i said, i don't mind sleeping on the couch. but she said i need to get off the couch for our d's sake. i told her, i don't mind moving into the other room.

so - my question is, is this something i should be happy about? i know it's not the end result i'm looking for - us resuming our marriage - but wouldn't it be a lot easier with her at home as opposed to if she were to move out? like she said, it's all in hypothetical mode now, nothing is set in stone, but i am happy that she is at least considering it. i just hope i'm not reading more into it than what it is.

what do ya'll think?

by the way, i signed up for my first 10k in june. so, either way, if i have to walk, crawl or roll, i'm going to cross the finish line.

Collin,

It is time for you to stop sleeping on the couch. How about moving back into the marital bedroom? You mentioned that you don't mind sleeping on the couch and would be ok bunking with the dogs, but why should you? If she wants to be separated, have her move into another room. If she is the one that wants to end the marriage, she needs to be the one to deal with the consequences.

The friend zone sounds more like cake eating. She is definitely getting the best of both worlds.

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Don't stay in the friend zone. You are either her husband or not. She is cake-eating big time and you are allowing it. She has no respect for you at the moment. Time to change the dynamic.

Hi Collin,

First, by my own experience. I did not leave my bed, my room. You probably said to her already that you know you messed up, that you are willing to work hard to make the marriage work. That you made mistakes and regret them.

Right at the moment, she could say that she would like to work things out. But instead, she is playing games with you.

IMO, it is a hard situation, but you need to let go the fear of losing her. This fear that she will go and never come back is letting you paralyzed, trying to please her whatever she asks.

As a woman, and maybe yours is not exactly the way I am. But I think she may be testing you as a man, as a guy that she wants besides her to be strong, decisive, the protector.

It would be great if you can post here some more details about her life in the past. Did she had "dad" problems? It's not unusual that we may be looking in a husband what we did not have in a father figure.

What you are doing about the Marathon is great, and maybe she is paying attention and there is a glimpse of hope that you may be indeed the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

These things may all be playing together and you may need to give us more info so we will try to advise you better.

Maybe what she is looking for is you to stand up for yourself and give her some boundaries of how much is too much for her to be pushing you around and hurting you.

Please, think about and let us know what it could be. And again, please write more often, write more to explain who are you and who she is. How did the dynamics got you both to this point?

Hope today is better then yesterday,
Pink

I think the thing is...I don't know what to do. I still see her as being my wife and the thought of her not just doesn't seem real. I can't grasp a hold of it. This weekend is the church thing that I talked about a while back and it's going to be I'll be there from 4 this afternoon to 11 tonight. 7 tomorrow morning all day through tomorrow night at 11. And again sunday morning until about 2 or 3. She said she was going to spend time with one of her friends (who is a trouble maker herself) that just broke up with her boyfriend. So, strictly speculating that's where she IS going to be, I don't trust her there anymore than if she would of said "I'm going to go out on a date."

I have mentioned her living the single life..."ok, by mentioning it, let's just say it wasn't in the most passive of tones..." but she said she doesn't want to live it. I know the whole don't believe what you hear thing. And I understand it works both ways, both good and bad. But, one night she asked me "why do I not want her to be happy?" I asked her, so the only way you could ever be happy will be with a divorce. She kind of froze like she didn't know what to say, like she wasn't expecting it and finally she said "I don't know".

I don't want to date, have no desire to date, just the thought of being with anyone other than her is not even an option. So, I'm not her, I don't know if she is seeing/planning on seeing someone else. I don't know/don't care. I know me and I know I'm not. The best I can do is be me and be true to myself.

I think i'm trying to placate things so much that i may have inadvertently placed myself in the "friend zone". I don't want get so far into the friend zone that I can't get out. But I also don't want make her mad to the point where it undoes any-positive-thing. Also, I'f I start barking out orders, kicking her out of the bed, etc.. it'll just reinforce her perception that I am selfish and only do things for myself. Yes, I spent the bulk of my marriage being selfish... selfishness got me to HERE. I don't want to be HERE. So, as a Christian (and a man) aren't I supposed to love her as Christ loved the church and do anything for her? I know I can't allow myself to be walked over. But I don't want to reinforce any negative perception of me she has when I need to be doing everything I can do to show her the opposite.

I just want us to be happy together. To show her there was a reason we fell in love and got married. I don't want her to think that it should've stopped at friendship. Because isn't the basis of any marriage a great friendship? Perhaps we both forgot that. Perhaps we forgot that at one point in time I would count down the days, minutes to when I got to leave work to go to her house to see her. I don't know how else to show her than to live it. Because if she is anything, she is one of those people who judges you based on your actions and not your words. You can tell her anything. But with her, you HAVE to back it up to show her you meant it or else it'll all be for not. I've told her a bajillion times I'll change, I'll be more considerate of her feelings, I love her. But, what I haven't done is show her. So here I am...trying my hardest to show...

Well, I'll be out of pocket this weekend. But, I will sign back on Sunday night. Please leave any thoughts/advice/criticisms and I will read them then. I need to try my hardest to push this to the background this weekend. This weekend is about the kids at church and nothing to do with me and my problems.

Hope ya'll have a good weekend.

Collin

Moving from the couch to sleeping with the dogs is not progress.

i need to somehow stop expecting anything. all i am doing by doing that is setting myself up for failure. why is it when i got home i expected her to be here and we could spend sometime hanging out? i guess it's because i am just naive and blind to the fact that i am actually going through a separation. i don't know where she is and what she's doing, but all she's worried about is what time i'm going to get home tomorrow. i don't know what time i'll be home tomorrow...i wish i wasn't home now. the only reason i came home early was to hang out and spend time with her. no, instead i'm sitting on a freaking divorce website whining about how my life [censored].

you know, i hate having the thought that what if something were to happen to me. who would really care? wouldn't it make everything easier if i weren't here? wouldn't it be better for her?

it really [censored] that i've been at church all day teaching these awesome kids about God's love for us. then i come home and i have these thoughts. like it would be better for everyone if he would just go ahead and take me. at least i would get to see my memaw and papaw - i miss them so much.