Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Rednail- Me, Myself, and I

LOL pole dancing class! Congratulations on your job. I agree not to tell him until he asks cause D5 let is slip. BTW not a bad thing cause it shows GALing. Then you are right about saying it is temp because right now it is.

Good luck with L today.

Thanks mustard seed for the extra thoughts. I don't think I will unless it's mentioned, I could say I'm subbing or helping out if he asks.

Tim- thank you! L didn't go well in my eyes.

New women L said- Take his offer, he is being VERY generous and honestly giving you WAY more then you should get or be entitled to. Share the house, it's not that big of a deal, just go to a BF's or Mom's those days while you save up for whatever you want to do. I can say he isn't allowed to have anyone spend the night. She said If I didn't take his deal I was dumb pretty much.

She said he really only has to give me 550-750$ and if he gets a good lawyer it can be reduced to 550 either way because if he states he is going to be homeless and we both will not have a stable home for the kids etc etc that the judge will prob lower it for the next 2-3 years and by then I would make enough that when it got reassessed that it would stay at 500$.

I also can have the divorce finalized in 3 weeks from today if I wanted. She said it takes less then a month from start to finish.

Now what.

I apologize I ran out of time and ended up cutting my post short.



To elaborate on #2 something my WH does is seems so agreeable. He will ask a harmless question, being friendly, being amicable, being a "genuine stand-up guy" and I answer it cheerfully, because really what's the big deal and I am glad we are being peaceful. And he will seem encouraging, positive, supportive almost (although he never really says anything, it is all body language). And then later, sometimes later that day, sometimes days or weeks later WHAM. That harmless piece of information I shared with him gets thrown at me in some almost unrecognizable form. Somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind there is a laboratory where Dr Frankenstein gets to work altering these pieces of information, stitching together any random bit he comes across, and keeping it in a bell jar for when it is useful for him.

What I learned is that he will get the info he wants, just not from me. I will not allow him to use my words against me anymore. The less I say the better. So who cares if he finds out about your job--he will, it is public knowledge, but him finding out isn't as big an issue as him getting the info from you. He wants to know that you still are sharing your life with him while he keeps his secret. When he finds out he will probably feel like he got something on you. But your attitude shouldn't be that you are keeping secret from him, but instead that he is no longer someone to whom you feel compelled to share aspects of your life with.

So don't tell him. Don't lie if he asks, Don't making him think that this info has any weight at all in his life.

3) Just some insight into where I am now and when I look back on where I was a year ago. I wish I filed. I wish I got the divorce rolling and stopped trying to believe things could get fixed. I would have been in a much better situation, I wouldn't have lost so much and the fight wouldn't have been about just trying to get half of it back. I know in the end the law is pretty cut and dried and he will have to pay, but the process of getting there right now requires some major see-saw action. I lost it all, he had it all. Now I have nothing to do be gain and he has nothing to do but lose which gives him zero incentive to move things along.

If I had just gone ahead and started the process it would probably have been more civil and less turmoil for everyone. However, I know that if I were to go back in time and tell my last year's self that I had to be the one to start he process I probably still wouldn't have listened. So take that advice and do with it what you need to. At the very least be on guard. This part of DBing is about getting yourself to a place where you can stand on your own. You want to get to a place where you aren't clinging to his promises and control tactics because it gives you security. Once you get there you can truly assess if the marriage is worth saving rather than just the more familiar and secure seeming option. I am still terrified about being able to make it on my own, but one thing I know now is that I sure as hell am going to put all I have left into getting to that point, because the worst thing for me now is to be dependent on him in any way.



This came out very cryptic because I was cut sure, but I have been kind of caught up in this metaphor for a while now and it is helping me. When I think about my situation I think about what it is like to be out in the ocean passed the break. Since my teen years I had grown terrified of waves even though I loved to swim in the ocean when I was a kid. It wasn't until last summer when I took my first surf lesson that I decided to face my fear.

For those of you who have never swam in the ocean, up by me the waves break on an angle and can be quite unpredictable. We don't usually get those nice rolling waves that I have experienced in other parts of the country. So when you go out in the water you either hang out by the foam and let the waves cover your feet, or you go to the break and let it toss you around a bit--to me the scariest place to be, or you can get passed the break and just float and swim and let the waves gently rock you. That was always my favorite place to hang out as a kid, because there wasn't a constant alert but there was just enough excitement. That is also where you hang out when you are surfing waiting to catch a wave.

While you are hanging out there are waiting and watching. Looking to see what is coming. Most of the time the waves are uneventful, it is a time to relax and enjoy the peace and the sun and the moment. Other waves can be quite intimidating, maybe they are breaking too early or you won't be able to swim out to avoid the break so you need to just go under and let it pass over you to avoid being tossed these can cause panic but if you are prepared to give up a bit of control it will pass over you and you will be just fine. and others are coming right at you ready to take you back to sure if you are prepared to spring into action. You are ready for them, and when you catch it just right it can be absolutely exhileration.

I needed to rely on an instructor to help me gauge the waves during my surf lesson. My more experienced cousin who was taking the lesson with me had gotten to the point by the end of her lesson where she was able to predict which waves were worth riding with minimal guidance.

And right now, when it comes to interacting with H and dealing with aspects of my sitch I am starting to look at them as waves. I know they are coming. I don't always know which waves can carry me to shore and which I need to avoid. But I have learned to enjoy the moment and keep watch. And I am getting better at gauging.

This moment with your job, this is a wave worth catching and riding out. When he finds out it will be another wave. But you know it is coming. You might not quite know what kind of wave it is, so it is best of you prepare to just let it pass over you.

Ugh I hate no edit button, this should say I have nothing to lose and he has nothing to gain. Everything from here on in is him losing and me gaining. Not much incentive for him to get things moving.

Mustardseed- It is okay, I know people work and I check this a few times a day because I am a SAHM and have nothing else to do at the moment.

Yeah, I see what you are saying. My H HAS done the same a few times. He acts so SWEET, loving, motivational, and then later the same thing he is motivating me on, he is being a complete D-bag about.

I won't tell him, I won't lie, I just will be..vague if asked.

I really feel like once I have a FULL time job, I would be more ready to file on my own. I'm scared, very scared to be alone. I know it is coming, and that I am already alone, but well you know what I mean.



I think that metaphor and how you explained it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm actually afraid of waves and avoid going past my knees in the ocean.The unknown, the deep water, the waves terrify me. Maybe I need to learn to get over my fears that keep me close to shore(and my H).

He does know they may use me as a SUB sometimes and also that I am class mom so I am at the school A lot, so if he wants S3 sometime and I'm at work, well he can come pick them up. Say I'm subbing. He doesn't need to know it's M-F every week.

You know the three words

Cards
Close
Chest

And

Finally

Cool

V

V- What does cool mean? Stay calm? Stay collected? I'm not sure.

I always remember my first 3 C's!

H texted mine again asking how the kids were. I said good, happy, playing. He asked what I was doing (first time in forever specifically asking about me) and for the first time instead of smiling, my heart skipping a beat,or being happy.. I just rolled my eyes and put my phone down.

Cool

Means stay chilled, don't be prodded into responding.

That means cards close chest stay that way. This one of my very favourite hooks for myself. With WH when tempted I use the three Cs. It is my L expression, to not give away my strategy and it has saved me once or twice.

Theme tune is Poker Face.

You can also try strange responses.

So when asked "what are you doing"

You can say "eating peas" or "colouring in" or "waxing" or "scrambling eggs"

I once told WH I was cutting my toe nails.

The 3 C are wonderful, as I remember them automatically.

V

Haha those strange responses are so funny! I am going to remember that!

I know exactly what you mean. I have been there. You are in a different state then me and I am sure there are differences. The entire process is so inefficient and unfair. You spend a ton of money just to get back half of what you used to have.

Talk to your lawyer (and maybe even get a second opionion) my first lawyer made things sound hopeless--like I just have to smile and except what is about to happen to me and not make things worse. After the OOP I found a new lawyer. A firm that deals only with D. They were more expensive, but much more knowledgeable and hopeful. They laid it out as it is. They don't give me false hope but pretty much say--this is what a judge will think of this situation. This is what we need to negotiate up from. So far my divorce has cost me more than my wedding--the OP added additional expense to deal with. Luckily I have financial help. But really, if you are going to pay for someone to represent you--make sure they have your back and they are not just looking for easy cash.

Divorce is pretty cut and dry in a lot of ways--child support is a formula, alimony is a formula--and that makes lawyers who specialize in non D cases decide to do it on the side for some easy money without much work. I see a huge difference in how much attention my new L does compared to the last one. They call out L's on their BS, they don't allow stalling. They are honest about what your worst case scenario, your most realistic scenario, and the best case scenario with examples of proper arguments to provide a decent starting point for negotiations. I didn't get any of that from my last lawyer.

Anyway, I am telling you this, because I don't think you should wait to get a full time job before filing. I also don't think you should hold off on finding a job until you file. I think what you need is the most realistic picture of what your after M life will be to make the best case for you. A part time job that provides free child care and gives you schedule that best works with your kids' right now is ideal! It shows you are willing to work, that you are helping by saving on childcare costs (a HUGE DEAL!! and something that should be considered), and that in order to provide that for your family (and save WH some money) you sacrifice in income. Your income will come into play with your alimony. Your reasons for taking a lower income job are completely valid--and that child care cost is valid. Child support is pretty standard and legally binding. He is a fool if he thinks he can talk you out of that because at any point in time while the kids are minors you can go and fight for it. Unless it varies from state to state, that is pretty non-negotiable. However, your income plays a part in determining that, and as the mother and the one who has sacrificed her career for the kids your earning potential is lower and should be considered.

If I had filed last year (which I sometimes wish I could tell my old self to do) one thing that would have been different was I was making about the same as WH even though for the majority of the marriage I was making less than 1/3. And I lost that job--I only had it for 8 months. My saving grace is that it happened over two tax years so each year my W2 only contained 4 months of that job. For 8 months of that 15 year marriage I made almost as much as him and that is why he thinks he doesn't need to provide any support. Last year I thought I was set--I could support myself and my kids. Then I was unemployed, and a few weeks later--homeless (well I have family so I wasn't really homeless but it was a temporary situation and one that gave him a stronger case for full custody).

I think you need to talk to a few lawyers, some the specialize in divorce. Get the full picture. Tell them that you are afraid of letting him be in control of where you live and that you want to find a way to be on your own with your kids--not living under his roof. Don't ever negotiate child support--that is his legal obligation to his kids--not to you. And that is a formula. I my state for 2 kids it is 25%, and then some math to even out based on each parent's salary. You can spend that money on housing for them, food for them, utilities. Anything that they benefit from. That is what child support is for. Alimony is to help even out your incomes and is limited in years based on the amount of time you have been married and and in amount based on your earning potential.

So don't wait until you have big numbers to file, even though you might feel more secure, it can effect the support you receive. However, also don't pass on any job solely because you want to get the most out of him you can. That will be vindictive. You making less, yet saving money in child care is realistic and valuable. If you get a full time job and end up not being able to keep it because of your maternal obligations--you don't want to be locked into that number.