Divorcebusting.com  |  Contact      
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10
Mowgli #2663397 03/17/16 09:32 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
roist Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
Mowgli, Yes check it out but be open minded and just to know only a tiny part of the documentary talked about R. I watched it more of an overall interest in self improvement.

Mut, I'll answer/help if I can.

Z, I hear you. Apart from the rabbit sex life with her I have no expectations.HHaha.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2664473 03/23/16 02:07 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
roist Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
I'll take time next week to update my thoughts etc but in essence not much to report in my situation. No news is good news, or so they say.

Anyway I have a little question.It is nothing urgent but something I would like your input on to be sure I am handling it right.

We seem to be surrounded by couples splitting. A sad reality. Many of these couples have kids, the same age as ours. This is the case of our neighbours who recently broke up.

My sons especially the eldest reflects on this and often has comments like
"It's a catastrophe all the families breaking up"
" I wonder who'll be next"
"It's not good for their son for this to happen"

Such comments I usually deal with easily and can discusiin general.But every now and again there is the odd comment specifically about us. I don't think he sees our problems but is more a general reflection of his thinking, as the same occurs relating to illness/death.

If I am alone with him/them I am more open with my replies.I reassure that it is not planned and I think we are best together. I do not go heavy on my feelings/thoughts, but reply honestly my view point. I am careful not to state categorically that we will not split up. I also use these times to access their thinking.

If my W is there too, I try to be more weighed with my words. This weekend after we had a big special dinner which W prepared including my favorite dessert, my son made a comment that if we split up I wouldn't be able to cook.I choose to reassure him and said "that wouldn't worry me and I'd manage just fine" . W supported this reply by adding I can cook very well.

OK we reassured his fear, though I think it was just a comment without much depth for him. But for me that was not the big part of his comment. I don't want to discuss our problems with them until we are at the point of no return or imminent split. But I am not sure brushing it under the table is best either.

Any thoughts?


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2664497 03/23/16 05:46 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
In regards to your children, I think that what they see has more impact then what they hear. Your behavior towards your wife and kids over time will have much greater impact then the one conversation. Your kids live in the house and pick up on much more then you could imagine. If they see you treat your wife well, with loving kindness that will buoy them through a few overheard unsettling conversations. Show them what a real man does in the face of disaster. Be strong



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 677
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 677
Gotta agree with mutatio. Try not to have M discussions in front of the kids or where they can hear. That is easier said than done. It is also advise that I did not take as when wife went off, it did not matter who was around and when she sucked me into her whirlwind our kids were often near by. Funny thing is one time after she had been screaming and throwing the F bomb at me for over half an hour, I started to reply but my tone was raised yet calm and stern she stops me and says "the kids are gonna hear."

After the split this is what I have observed. The kids and especially S13 took it very hard. He is my stepson but we have a tight, tight bond. Having been a child in the middle of D I was bound and determined I would say nothing negative about WW. Personally I believe he needs counseling himself to process everything but he refuses to go. So on the advise of people on this board and my IC I do not force the issue. I am there for him to talk to, if I see he is having an exceptionally hard time, I try to tug a little bit out of him to open him up but subtly. Otherwise, I am his oasis from all the home drama. If I had to boil it down to a few simple rules it would be the following:
1. Make sure they know you love them and are NOT leaving them, you will always be there for them day or night. I think the kids fell abandoned by the secondary (non live in parent).
2. Do not talk bad about W to them or in front of them. Even if they say "mommy said you always was mean to her." (this happened to me) Respond in a way that they can decide "I don't think I was and I never intended to be mean... do you think I was." and drop it.
3. Do not gather intell from them if you split, "What has mommy been doing?" "Does mommy have any friends that come over?"
4. Reassure them they had not fault in this.
5. Do not show your pain to them. They know you hurt but to see it hurts them too.
6. Enjoy every second you have with them!


Me 41
W 33
M 2013
Suspect A 11/15
Confirm A 1/16
She moved out 2/14/16
Stepson 13
Stepson 16
TimR #2664516 03/23/16 07:51 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
roist Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
Sound advice. Just to clarify, we don't fight or have R talks. Period.So none in front of kids or otherwise. I personally am a v private person and believeaa couple's problems where possible should only be discussed in private by that couple.

To that effect I avoid bringing up any issues when kids are around. I will call her on any disrespectful behaviour. Otherwise I let it slide and bring it up when we have put the kids to bed. I never bad mouth her to anyone or I just don't speak badly of people in general. If she leaves I don't see that changing.

Yes, mut' I am treating everyone well and this is not just a show for the boys. I have seen many men overflowing with anger, resentment and such. That is not and will not be me.

All comments/advice is welcome, but I was wondering specifically for when son poses such questions. I doubt it is advised to broach the subject with W as it verges on R talk. But if it is best for my sons I will do that even if could harm R. Unless otherwise advised I plan to stick with how I am approaching this until our situation changes, at which point I will reflect on the chang s.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2664660 03/24/16 03:30 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
A couple of observations if I may?

Please tread the Secret with some incredulity. To me there are fundamental flaws in the premises of the books. It is action with the higher power that creates change in my model of the universe. That higher power has its own will, it asks pain as well giving joy. It isn't a vending machine with coins of expectation and thoughts of desire endlessly dispensing chocolate results.

You are growing and changing. I can see shift happening.

I haven't really posted on your thread although I lurked.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
roist Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
Of course you are most welcome to share your observations.

I am a fairly level headed guy, though open to alternative thinking. For me it highlights the value of how we think about and approach life. It does mention setbacks and negative stuff happening. Again it is how we approach them and think about them that is important IMO. I am not an expert on this but I shared it as part of my growth. If it does work I believe it does not work on other people.We can strive towards a loving R but not control who that is with. So by fighting for it to be our spouses, we may actually be blocking "destiny"!

As for the tip it gave about improvement in R, I came across similar
sseveral times. It has to create a better atmosphere than resentment or sadness.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2664679 03/24/16 05:48 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
"It has to create a better atmosphere than resentment or sadness."

Amen brother



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
So how exactly does creating a better atmosphere work for you?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
roist Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
I'll try answer that quickly V.

I realised that I was not being my potential and definitely not showingthe best me at all times. I was making good progress but was being held back by negative emotions.

I am not questioning these emotions as not being justified. I: understand why I felt them and agree with the logic. But they were nit helping me

So by focusing on more positive stuff, including appreciation, I am more positive.This helps me. I am pulled down less by unmet needs and bad moods (hers).

I feel better about me and the world. I am still aware of my situation and it still weighs. But I can shine regardless.

Plus if I react positively to a negative interaction with W, it diffuses its power and does not spiral.

And yes it shows W a better me.
I don't have time to explain this better but I hope this answers your question.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. 1996-2025. All rights reserved.
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5