There is meandering IC and directed. For the first think Woody Allen for the second think Paul McKenna.
Firstly with IC know what you want. Set a limit on the number of sessions and review it.
Secondly it isn't always the IC you like best who is the best.
Finally go into each session knowing what you want.
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Examples,
-I want to know and set boundaries on X or Y. - I want to develop techniques to detatch - I am seeking an understanding of interacting with in laws - I want to handle trauma - can we review my goals please Etc etc
Different types of therapy for different issues
CBT for triggers etc NLP for thinking processes EMTR for trauma Abuse course for abuse etc
12 step for compulsion co dependency
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These are the things you can do for you: reading, research, Ted Talks, ACE test, going on self development courses, nutritionalist, personal trainer, etc.............
Oh and a great bestie or safe person.
Be directive and choose the best tool for the purpose.
My 2c
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you for explaining it. That helps a lot. I am completely on board with discussing my goals, talking about how I am going to achieve them and checking in to see if I am on the right track. That is exactly what I am looking for. Maybe I need to make that clear with my current IC and determine if she can meet my expectations or not. If not, I think I need to "interview" them on the phone to see if they can accommodate that approach. Otherwise, I think I am just talking randomly and spinning my wheels….which doesn't seem like progress moving forward.
And, I love your suggestions of how I can help myself. I already read tons of books and attend courses. I am thinking a meditation course may be a good one to try next. And, I really need to start watching these TED talks - many have recommended them.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
It's funny there had been IC talk lately and people questioning theirs. Add me to the pile. Saw mine today and she offered no real advice or guidance. Said that I am so much better than when I started coming to see her. Not she really did anything but suggest meds. It was a person to listen.
One thing she does ask though is why after an A would I still take her back? I don't think she gets it. At the end of today she asked if I feel like I need to come back. I asked if she thinks i need to. She said its up to me. So I think I may be done with her.
Find someone that helps you broke. That you feel comfortable with.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Agreed….I think my time and money can be better spent reading or studying for my teaching tests. So, I am going to take a break and, if I decide I really need to go back, I will find someone interested in helping me monitor the goals that I set and if I am achieving them. It's been so random about what we talk about, too. Seems like there should be some continuity but there really isn't. Its almost like she can't remember where we are week to week…..again, I question if she is even invested in me. Or, I am just an appointment until the next one.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
It's funny there had been IC talk lately and people questioning theirs. Add me to the pile. Saw mine today and she offered no real advice or guidance. Said that I am so much better than when I started coming to see her. Not she really did anything but suggest meds. It was a person to listen.
One thing she does ask though is why after an A would I still take her back? I don't think she gets it. At the end of today she asked if I feel like I need to come back. I asked if she thinks i need to. She said its up to me. So I think I may be done with her.
Find someone that helps you broke. That you feel comfortable with.
Wow. I'm always amazed by how many people are literally thinking and feeling the same exact things that I am! For a few weeks now, I've been feeling like my IC is not offering any real help, advice or guidance and is just an unbiased person that will listen. Of course, this feeling always become stronger the night before I'm supposed to see her and weighing the cost of that with the cost of having a roof over my head (yeah, it's come down to that). I think I also cling to her b/c she has met my H and inside me, it's nice to interact with someone who knows my H b/c everyone else that knows him the way I do is nowhere to be found (except for his family).
Originally Posted By: broke
Agreed….I think my time and money can be better spent reading or studying for my teaching tests. So, I am going to take a break and, if I decide I really need to go back, I will find someone interested in helping me monitor the goals that I set and if I am achieving them. It's been so random about what we talk about, too. Seems like there should be some continuity but there really isn't. Its almost like she can't remember where we are week to week…..again, I question if she is even invested in me. Or, I am just an appointment until the next one.
Broke, I'm starting to see the value in that. I've learned so much own my own by God and self-realization, and yes, my IC has definitely helped me come to an awareness of things I may not have seen, but I almost feel like if I had to choose, and I do, DB Coach is what I really need at this point for actionable steps to take for me and for my M. Maybe this realization is all apart of the healing process for all of us....
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
I agree. I do go in with items I want to talk about but like I said not sure if it is helping or not. I do feel good for the day but the next day I don't. And I am not getting clear goals or exercises out of hit. For a bit he seemed more worried about what I may do. When I caught wife I was telling him about it and he asked if I was armed. I said no and he said well at least you would not get violent. I made the comment about wrestling for 14 years and competing in judo for 20, that I doubted it would take me much more than 30 seconds to kill a guy, if I really wanted to and that was why I did not get out of my car. He told me if I keep having homicidal thoughts I should call my doctor for meds. I said my comment was I didn't get out of my car because I could have lost control not that I did.
Sparkls I would have to say the DB coaches are much better. My only complaint besides the price is every session we always spend at least two minutes on whether I am eating ok.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Yes, when I talked in the IC the therapist spent about 5 minutes talking about my mother and her problems... I kept trying to steer her away from this red herring but she wouldn't. Then she spent another 10 minutes about her philosophy on marriage and the fact that my WW may want "freedom." That really turned me off.
I've phone-interviewed three therapists prior to meeting with this one, I have to say I'm not terribly impressed with them. Seems like it's pretty easy to get an MFT. I think overall it's a grab bag, you never know what you are going to get, as Forrest Gump would say!
Tonight at DivorceCare there was a guest therapist, she works with children. I was pretty impressed by her, she is young and can probably relate better to my S11 if/when he needs help. I will keep her card.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Tim R- Thanks for the vote of confidence regarding your DB Coach. I'm glad you are finding the time well spent.
Sadness is often harder to manage than anger. Sadness takes wind out of your sails while anger fills the sales with hot air. Focusing on being the best Sparkls that only a fool would leave is the best way to keep those emotions productive.
I highly recommend taking of advantage of the online special for Telephone Coaching. You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our DB coaching program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I tried a counselor, she mostly told me the 3-4 times I saw her that I needed a divorce and to move on already. She was my marriage/family counselor. She was like he is a cheater, why would you want him back, you are young just move on already, he is never coming back, I am in denial and until I get out of denial we can not make any progress and it was a waste of time. Needless to say I stopped going because I'm still in denial I guess and now I'm scared to try anyone new. I think spending the money on your teaching sounds like a good plan. Maybe even save up for DB coaching. I know eventually I will do it at least once. I am curious how it works.
