Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers First post - DBing for last 2 months

At this point in the R, I don't think they really care about the answer to their questions. They are so focused on "themselves". I think you did right by not bringing it up after she rudely interrupted you. In the future I would be shorter and sweeter than normal and share your good news with someone who would be genuinely happy for you. Keep up YOUR good work. Heaven knows they're not putting ANY work. We are the reason for their unhappiness. Remember that.(said with major sarcasm) I think it is normal to feel that irritation because we are working so hard and they are on coast. Just keep it up.

I agree with daybyday. Right now, WAS blame us for all their unhappiness and want to focus on themselves and their happiness. Right now, she's not the same person you married. Keep GALing, and improving yourself for you. Sounds like you are doing well there. Keep it up!

daybyday and broke: Thank you for the kind words and support!

Just finishing 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which is an interesting read. Trying to think through if and how to incorporate his advice and strategies. I'm thinking this would apply to all relationships, and understanding how best to thank / reward anyone in our lives is a good thing...

Busy weekend with D13 birthday / sleepover, which went very well. W and I worked well as a team, which has always been the case in busy activities like this. Not much time left for talking about R or anything else really...

I'm about to start 2 weeks of work travel, which may be a good time for me to re-group. Family life has been super busy last few months, especially with GAL and DB challenges. I feel like I really need to reset on goals as things feel like they've stalled. I'm feeling better about myself, and my improved relationship to my family. I've gotten positive feedback from WAW about my changes, so I feel like I've done a lot to debunk what the DB Coaches tell me of the WAS feeling like you're someone easy to walk away from and you need to prove that wrong in bringing (back) the real / better you.

BUT still no re-committment from my WAW about doing more to improve our R. I guess to be fair, she's been participating in MC, but only in so far as verbalizing that we need enough of a working R given our kids. I believe her actions over last month show she's re-thinking a little, but I still feel like our R is in limbo, and its frustrating in trying to make future plans. That is, we're in this friendly, platonic roommate situation that isn't sustainable long term from my perspective.

I feel like I need to re-access goals and strategies mid term, so I can better judge if R is changing, and what direction I'd like it changing in, that is not to just fall back into comfortable patterns of old that will most likely lead back to a R crisis again in the not too distant future...

Traveling this week for work.

Feeling sad and angry today. I miss my family a lot this morning, and I'm feeling unrooted. Normally travel doesn't bother me, but today I feel like I have no home base and its unnerving...

I did connect with some good work friends earlier in the week which was good though conversation kept going to my marriage situation (or at least felt that way). I don't like being the downer though my friends are great and supportive, so I think its more me.

I'm angry at the radio silence from home when I'm traveling. I'm tired of being sad, and unable to plan beyond the next week because I don't know what's going to happen at home. I want to feel that all this personal improvement and focus on my R is helping, and I want to see a change. Its so hard to focus on anything as during non-busy times I go back to thinking about what's wrong at home. I get sad / mad seeing couples walking down the street holding hands - I want that again.

Sorry, just venting today...

Sorry your having a rough one. Just keep up your self improvement. Like i was advised by Thornton, Db is a series of a thousand steps. It won't happen in OUR time so don't focus so much on the future. Focus on being an even better guy and Dad. We are all feeling the same way. Do what YOU can do to better the situation but be realistic that this will not be fixed overnight. Try to enjoy your travel buddy.

B/c you are the one wanting to save the M. At the moment, she is not convinced she wants it, therefore, she is not investing any work toward a better M. You are working hard to become a better man who wants a better MR. Recognize that you will experience mental, emotional, and physical fatigue from this hard work......but do not allow the mental/emotional exhaustion to slide over into resentment. A case of resentments is hard to cure.

Once she decides she wants to do whatever it takes to save her M, then she will start experiencing the effects of hard work, too. At the moment, attending MC may be all the "work" she can do.



Good idea!



So, how do you intend to deal with future issues where you both believe to be right? B/c it's coming. And when it comes, I hope you will see it as being a great opportunity to put into effect what you are learning. This could be a huge 180!



If it's any comfort, this is a trait of the wife who has decided to leave her H. When she sees a sudden change in behavior from her H, she has very serious doubts about his motivation for so many changes. That's why it is important that you know your own motivation and to be consistent in the improved version of yourself.



Okay, let me answer this question as if I were your W. "First of all, I do not believe I am the one who needs to be fixed! Second, I don't appreciate you wanting to fix me. Third, by you thinking I need fixing, that is like saying that I am the problem....and when I get fixed the MR will be fixed. That takes the responsibility of the M breakdown off of you and puts it all on me. Therefore, I resent you even more for having that type mindset".



That seems to be typical in newcomer H's.

Sandi your insight is uncanny and amazes me.

My previous post was getting long, so I'll continue here. And before I forget to mention it, have you read Codependent No More? Since you have been reading lately, I hope you will add this one to your list.



I may be completely off base here when I say that I see you looking to your W to acknowledge your efforts about mostly everything in your life. If/when she doesn't acknowledge them, your negative emotions kick you down.

For some of us, we look to our spouse for encouragement and cheering us onward.......or at the least, act as if they noticed. It hurts and can cause us to hold resentment if they ignore what we do. Actually, we are desiring affirmation (love language), and if we receive constructive criticism, it completely shoots us down. We especially take offense when it comes from our spouse. A lot of MR problems come about through not speaking in each other's love language.

I don't know if you have thought about it, so I'll just mention it. We have to be cautious about something when we want affirmation about most everything from our spouse. The problem being, do we place our self-worth in their hands? If so, that is rather dangerous, don't you agree? It is always nice for others to recognize our accomplishments, to receive compliments, etc. However, if we depend upon the approval, praise, or acknowledgement of others or from one particular person.....do you think that is handing them the power to determine our self-value? If not, why would it affect our feelings to the point of being depressed or angry?

The point here is that that one person doesn't get to determine what we are worth. If they acknowledge what we do, or not, it should not have any bearing on our value. Their opinion about it should not promote, or demote, our self-value. If they offer what they call constructive criticism, we should be able to gracefully listen without reacting. We should be able to consider what they say, and then we determine how or if to apply it. If they praise us, we should gracefully appreciate it, although realizing it doesn't increase our self-worth. Who determines our value? Our spouse, our employer, society, friends, parents?

I would like for you to think about who determines your self-value, and there is one more thing I hope you will give some thought. Who is responsible for your happiness? You are on the road, working for your family and feeling lonesome and probably a little unappreciated. You feel angry b/c nobody from home is showing they give a rat's a$$ about you, right? That's completely understandable to me. However, let me share with you what I learned when I came to the DB board. My spouse is not responsible for making me happy. Wow! That shot down all my fairytale mindset that he was suppose to make me happy! Nobody is responsible for my happiness, except Sandi. I have to make myself happy. That takes the responsibility off my H's shoulders and puts it squarely on mine. Along with learning that about my own responsibility, came other things. I had to learn that he was not responsible for my moods. I was the one who had power over how I would respond and behave. It wasn't his job to make me feel better. If he put forth an effort, then I would appreciate it, but not expect it and certainly not punish him for not making an effort to change my mood/emotions. Make sense?

I appreciate your kind words, Daybyday.