Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis What the heck is this?

I just saw 10 Cloverland Lane. I have to say it is really crazy and talk about paranoia on "Howard's" side of things...but it did end a bit differently than I expected.

Great question 2times. I have often wondered the same. It seems they need to hear SOME kind of positive validation, they are obviously seeking it. It's amazing we even want to, isn't it?

When H tells me his work problems, and how he rescued the situation, I always validate with a "good job," or "that was handled well." I myself have struggled with low self esteem, and I know positive validation goes a long way. I continue to eat it up!

Job - that movie did have an unexpected ending! Next weekend will be the Greek wedding movie. I suspect that one will be a little more predictable, but hopefully full of laughs.

The peeling is about done. All they said to do was moisturize a lot.

As far as trying to make me think he's have a wonderful time over there, it goes back and forth. He will sometimes talk about meeting his "impressive" friends or events he's attended as though he's having the time of his life. And then other times he will say he's just going to stay home, watch TV and go to bed early as if he wants me to think he's got nothing to do (or being a good boy, I suppose). I know he's lied about staying home in the past. I try not too dwell on it. Nothing I can do about it anyway.

It just gets a little old hearing him comment about his highfalutin friends as though I should be impressed by that. I do say that sounds like it was fun, hope you enjoyed and drop it. And when he tells me ahead of time that he's going to some affair or party, I usually just tell him I hope he has a pleasant time. (Then cringe inside ... wondering if I just wished him a pleasant evening with some OW.)

I find it sad that he has to boost his ego by bragging about who he knows, especially when he's been just as successful and has accomplished as much as most of them. I put the self-esteem issue squarely at his parents feet. But you're right, Job, he has to figure that out for himself. I will appear interested and validate when I can.

I hope everyone has a great Sunday.

What a confusing day! My mind is mush!

Yesterday I spoke with H briefly in the am about some business things I wanted him to look at and review. He asked that I send a few reports and said he'd look them over and get back to me.

Yesterday evening I sent a detailed email from home about the issues I was concerned with and why. I also told him he was neglecting his company (and that's the absolute truth!)

This morning when I talked to him we discussed the issues and he told me he didn't mind my venting about problems or bringing up issues except when it became personal. He said getting personal made him angry (my neglect comment, obviously). Oh well, a truth dart flew, but sometimes you have to throw them out there and this is business.

Anyway, he lied again about logging into his computer. He went on and on about how he spent all day going through reports and checking this and checking that. He said he was logged in for 7 hours pouring over that stuff.

Well, I guess he doesn't know I can check the logs ... he was logged in for 53 minutes about an hour before he called the office. I knew it before he called and knew he was lying when he started his "tale" but zipped my lips.

I don't think you can chalk that one up to poor memory. That's just out and out lying and quite possibly an attempt to make me think he's putting way more effort into his business and in helping me than he is. I am not at all sorry I made a comment about his neglect because it was right on target and if he went to such extremes to tell me how much time he worked today, even if not true, I apparently struck a nerve.

I am just so frustrated. Here I am doing the job I have always done plus I'm supposed to keep tabs on the operation and be his eyes and ears (his request) so he'll know what's going on here while he's doing who knows what over there.

I can't slack off on what I do for the business because that may affect the bottom line and the bottom line affects my future. But I hate that doing that for me is doing that for him because I'm carrying the load while he plays. Arghhh!!!

I managed to stay calm and the call and texts were civil so I took the opportunity to actually do some cheerleading/validating/mild truth darting, although for the life of me I don't know how. I did it partly to validate him and partly to say something that would make him feel like he'd be accepted if he wanted to come back, even if for business reasons vs personal reasons. Don't know if I should have done that or not, but it's done.

He has expressed this idea frequently that we can teach BIL and the current staff to run the company and we can take a hand's off role for the most part. I think he actually believes he can do nothing and let others do the work to line his pockets while he puts forth little to no effort. (Well, of course he thinks that. I do it ... but I can assure you it's certainly not for his benefit. Unfortunately, I suspect he thinks I do it for him.)

He alluded to that idea in a text after our phone call this morning. I replied that there was no one here, including me, who could fill his shoes. That when he moved, the knowledge, expertise, experience and instinct that built and grew the company moved with him. That without his involvement the company would never thrive as it once had and I had no confidence that he would ever be able to take a full hands-off role.

He replied that he was not going to let our hard work go down the drain and he wasn't walking away from the business. (Really? What does he think he's done?) He followed up with, "keep me in the loop so I can take some pressure off you." What went through my mind was you can take the pressure off by getting your derriere back over here and running your own d!*m company.

I feel used and stuck. I feel like the only reason we still have any kind of R is due to the business ... that if it weren't for the business, he'd have been long gone some time ago. Sometimes I want to just sit back and let it flounder, but that would be detrimental to me and a dumb thing to do just to prove a point.

I need to hang in there a little longer for the income, but I keep reminding myself that the day will come when I can comfortably change course regardless of what he does.

Of course, I would love for him to get himself straight and come home. I do still love him, although it's not the same as it was obviously. And I realize that who comes back from his journey may be someone totally changed, as will I. Deep in my heart, I know this isn't the way he wants to spend the rest of his life and I know I'm his anchor ... his home base. BIL told me he thought that if I left H, it would be totally devastating to H, not just financially, but emotionally and mentally. But he added that everyone would understand why I had to do it.

Anyway, I've not gotten very detailed with H about the operation here for quite some time unless it was something I couldn't handle, which happens from time to time. He wants BIL to learn to run the place, so I've let BIL lead the way in keeping H informed and tried to take a backseat unless I had to intervene.

Now, H is asking me to tell him more about stuff at the office to help "take some pressure off you." Do I do that? Or remain status quo and keep doing what I've been doing? If it were personal, I'd know exactly how to proceed - status quo. But since it's business, I'm not sure.

I'm sorry if this has been all over the place. I said my mind was mush! And sorry it was so long.

No one knows what your h is doing...including himself. For all we know, he's sitting in a room rocking that chair and looking at 4 walls. I still think he's spending a great deal of "alone" time just thinking. He's got a lot of good ideas in his MLC brain, but it takes a lot of hard work, attention to training, etc. to get employees to run a company while the owners sit back on the beach w/a drink in hand. That's MLC talk in my books, unless he's got a lot of $$$ to do something like this.

As for what you are doing, stay the status quo. If he wants to know something specific, he'll contact you directly. Otherwise, the BIL can be the one to stay in touch w/him.

It's a long trip on the MLC path, so get those walking shoes out and be prepared to do some more hiking for a bit.

Job - my walking shoes are getting worn out. I think it's probably time to buy a new pair.

I saw my IC today. She agrees with you. H is probably spending most of his time staring at the walls.

Yesterday was a rough day. The stuff about my comment regarding him neglecting the business came up again. I finally just told H via text that I knew he does things over there to contribute to the business (that was lie - I know he doesn't do much) but all I could "see" was an empty office here and an H/partner who was off living his life the way he wanted. I told him I'd love to be able to do what I wanted instead of what I had to. I said I felt like the bulk of the burden for taking care of the business had fallen on my shoulders and that I carried around a lot of resentment about that. I said that all I am trying to do is stand up and say this arrangement is not a fair one.

Just before leaving the office I get a text that my sister is in the hospital. She's been sick for some time and her weight has dropped to just 77 pounds. I'm very concerned about her as that is not good at all.

I cried most of the way home from work. I kept thinking that I'd lost my Dad, my Mom, my H and could lose my sister this year. I thought ... my kids are busy with their own lives, raising their families and I feel so alone. I had quite a pity party! I managed to pull myself together and get a decent night's sleep.

This morning I awoke to H's reply to my text. He said that he knew my life was not as I had intended but things can change for the better. He added that "life is what YOU make it - not others."

I thought about that for a while and responded that sometimes the emotions get overwhelming, but eventually the mind takes control and I remember that I am not stuck and I can change course anytime I want .... that most of my life consisted of things I chose to do and I can choose not to do them anytime I want. No reply to that one. Shock!

BIL came to me today completely frustrated because H keeps contradicting himself. He'll tell BIL something, then something else, then something else about the same issue and treat BIL like he's an idiot because he has to keep "repeating" himself. BIL is getting a crash course in MLC. First lesson: believe none of what they say.

BIL expressed concern that H is just trying to keep me happy so I'll keep doing what I do for the business. I assured BIL that H may think he's pulling the wool over my eyes but I ain't stupid. I know I have options and H thinks I'm stuck.

Anyway, enough of that stuff. I have a reservation for the movie tavern to see Greek Wedding 2 this weekend and will be joining the in-laws for Easter dinner on Sunday.

I am so glad that the in-laws haven't bought into H's trashing of me and that they see he's pretty screwed up.

I'm actually very grateful for the support network that I have ... my family, H's family, our employees (who also wonder what the heck happened to H), most of our friends, and, of course, all the people here who are ready to listen to me vent, understand, and offer support and advice.

HaWho, Bright, M and all the others that I usually post to, I'm following and will post soon. Hugs to all of you!

Good job standing up for yourself! I loved reading your post. We can only validate so much, for so long. At some point, we have to stick up for ourselves and speak our mind! Too bad if they don't like hearing the truth!

I am also glad your in-laws see what is real. Mine are so far in la la land it seems.

I'm proud of you 2times

Hi 2Times2Many - I am so very sorry to hear about your sister.

I have a bit of a different take on your business situation with your h. Yes, it's horrible that he is taking advantage and it's annoying that he thinks he has you hoodwinked about all the "work" he's doing on his end. (My eyes get a good roll on that one.)

What your BIL sees is the reality though. MLCers are confused. I live with mine and so it never surprises me that a lot of them reduce their work load, take contracts, can't hold a job, etc. Their ability to concentrate is nil.

Honestly, you don't want him near your business. Yes, you should be angry that you're the only adult on duty (along with your BIL). But, if your h was involved, I believe there is a VERY good chance he would run it into the ground and fast. How mad would you be if you handed it over/gave him more responsibility and he blew it all? Or, if you did hand part of it over, would you really be able to sleep? Point is: you could have bigger problems.

Sad as this is, seeing what I saw, I was thankful my h left me to handle things. It was one less thing to worry about. I took everything I could off his plate and happily so. Sadly, I didn't trust his capabilities at all. And he used to be über capable!!

Now, just because he's not the right person to run things right now doesn't mean there isn't someone besides you to either take over or help you. But, he's not the solution to this problem, in my opinion.

I am so happy your in-laws support you.

I realize you are angry, frustrated and stressed over the business, but if the confusion that your BIL sees is any indication of the state of mind your h is in right now, HaWho is correct...you don't want him handling much of the business. Their attention span is that of a gnat. In other words, he can't focus very long on anything. It's just too much for them. I'm not making excuses but this is the way that they are. It's one of the reasons that I stress to posters not to write long text/email messages to them and keep it to one or two lines when posting to them.

I'm very sorry about your sister and will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that she's receiving good medical care.

I'm glad to read that you are going to spend Easter w/the in-laws. Try to enjoy your time there and relax a bit.

Happy Easter!

Thank you HaWho, M, and Job for chiming in.

HaWho and Job, I agree with you. There's no way I would turn things over to H right now and not keep a close eye on what he was doing. There are times, however, when BIL and I are flying by the seat of our pants and do need to call on his experience. So yes, it's frustrating and stressful. But what really sets me off is the lying. He might as well be telling me he thinks I'm as dumb as a rock.

So, for that reason, I also agree with mleigh4. I can give him all the space he needs, leave him alone to live whatever way he wants with whomever he wants wherever he wants, but I just can't sit back and let him treat me like I fell off a turnip truck. I can't do it. For my own self-respect, my own dignity, my own self-esteem, I have to speak up.

I haven't mentioned the lying to him and won't, but at least I let him know that I see the big picture (actually see it better than he thinks I do) and in spite of what he may think, I do have choices. He's counting on me staying right where I am because if I don't his fantasy falls apart.

M, standing up for myself was empowering. It may not be good DBing, but it was what I needed to do for me.

My sister is still in the hospital, but doing ok. I don't know how long she'll be there. I haven't gotten an update today from BIL.

I hope everyone has a Happy Easter.