This morning my w continued to demand a moving date or she will leave for two weeks with the kids! I wouldn't let her tie me to a date. Then, my D4 heard there was arguing and said that we should both say sorry to each other and be best friends. We both said sorry and then my w calmed down. She said that she is just frustrated my the situation and needs some space and that we both have a very important common interest with the kids and we need to be friends.
This is going to be a long haul if it ever works out but my D4 is trying to keep us together. She makes us hold hands and tells us to be kind to each other...she's like a golden child with wisdom beyond her years. I wish my wife could see how all this could affect our baby.
In regards to what did I say when my w said those awful things, I told her iy was out if order and cruel...she just said that she was getting mixed messages and needed to know the facts. So cold I find it hard to know who she is now.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
DO NOT fight with her, esp. in front of the kids. This is VERY important. DO NOT! I am not saying you have to bow down to everything she says/does, in fact I am saying you do not grovel.
Leave the room, do not get pulled into heated arguments. You tell her once (calmly) that you will not be talked to in such manner and if she continues to bait you, you will leave the room. Then if she starts, just calmly leave the room. Not in anger, not in haste, just calmly leave the room, if she continues to follow you, just go out for a short stroll.
Let go of the need "to be right". It does not matter, you see that she is baiting you all the time to get a reaction out of you, most likely to pave the way for divorce proceedings. Be the bigger person and DO NOT GET DRAWN IN.
I know what you are saying and I am always calm in answering her. She is the one who raises her voice and yes I needto walk away.
The divorce is already in progress so waiting for the decree nisi to be given, not sure when. The divorce is happening and who knows if space and the realization of what is happening will change her mind.
I no longer talk to her about the marriage as she doesn't want to know. All she wants is me out right now. I don't know if or when to discuss the future if there even is one for us.
She just keeps saying that after she has her space, we can move on. I don't get it. Build on a friendship to where? Just so confusing right now.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
Dude, sadly it is not confusing at all... Her saying to be friends is just easing of her guilt. IMO at this stage being a friend is not a productive choice, because in your mind (as you clearly say) friendship is just a step in the right direction (next level = relationship), but in her mind nothing could be further from the truth.
The talk about future? No go buddy, you can clearly see, she sees no future for a relationship with you (at this point in time), so talking about a relationship would be of as much use as carrying water in a bottomless bucket...
My sitch doesn't get any better and yes Vapo, you are right in that she is just trying to keep things civil for the sake of the kids.
Yesterday, she said she was going to stay with her mom and was planning on hiring a holiday home for the Easter period unless I provided her with a date of me leaving that evening. Fortunately, I found a cheap place in our town. I then messaged her to let her know and that she could bring the kids back as I had a moving date. She then replied that she was now going anyway and that she will return on the day I leave! She says that i can see the kids but she doesn't want anymore stress for her or the kids and doesn't want to live with me. I was shocked. I gave her what she wanted but she went with her plans anyway. I was hoping to spend my last weeks in the house seeing the kids everyday and trying to build some bridges with my W.
She says that the whole situation has f**ked her head up and she feels like she is going crazy. She is just looking forward to getting her home back.
I have been calm and civil for much of this time. She is the one who starts arguments and raises her voice in front of the girls. Just feels like a one way street where she gets what SHE wants and I have no say in anything.
Do I just back away now? There is no reasoning with her and the marriage just seems like a distant memory now. I can't see the woman I married at all.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
My W continues to stay away from the house til I leave. Packing my things and remembering the good times is gut wrenching. It's Easter weekend, everyone is out with their families and I feel the loneliest I have ever felt. I can't see my D4 because they are all with her family and friends for the whole of the weekend. She dictates when I can see her and that is usually when it is convenient for her. My D8 hates me as I am a mean man for upsetting her mom and refuses to see me. My w came over this morning to take her laptop as she feels I might snoop or break it. No smiling or how are you, just a scorned face. All my family and friends have gone away too so there is nobody to even talk to.
Last night she messaged me to ask me how I felt about us? I told her how much I loved and missed her and realise my mistakes. She continued that I HAD EVERYTHING and that she is feeling low as she is mourning the loss of our M. I replied that it doesn't have to be this way and that I am here for her....she was having a bad night but it just made mine worst.
Why is saying things like that? She is divorcing me, she can turn this all around and we could save our family! She says she needs to grieve...but I am the only one who feels a great loss with no ability to get it all back.
I just think she is trying to put more guilt on me than I already feel. If it is so bad, why not talk to me about our issues? Why continue to pursue the divorce?
She says she doesn't want to think about us, but she must be if she feels so sad. I just don't get it. So much to loose for all of us...I have never felt in such darkness.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
There are no logical answers. She is an emotional mess and when she has one of her lows, she turns to the very one she is rejecting. It's like a crazy type of temp check, where she puts the hook out there by asking how you felt about "us", and when you take the bait by telling her you still love her and don't want a divorce.........she jabs you in the gut again. It's as if when she is experiencing her lows, she wants to make sure you are still willing to save the M, and she takes the opportunity to let you know she is hurting but she's still going through with her plans. She leaves the conversation knowing you are still there as a backup.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What would you suggest I do to navigate this sitch?
I wonder if she is testing me or even willing to see the divorce through to the end. She must know what is at stake but does she realize that she could loose me as her back up if the M ends? However badly she is reacting to me, she knows that at the moment I am there for her...so is this where her idea of a friendship would keep in her life when she needs a shoulder to cry on?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
I think she emotionally works you over, to get her way. I think the only chance in saving this M will be for her to see in you the type of man she respects. Not a man who sticks his head in the sand and just hopes things get better. Not the passive man who won't take charge of what goes on in his household. Not the kind of man who is scared to call her out on her bad behavior and disrespect. Not a man who she can manipulate.
I don't even have to know her to tell you she doesn't want a man like this. No woman wants a man of that description. You cannot be afraid of making her angry or upset and expect her to desire you. She wants a man who won't take her cr@p and who stands up to her and tells her she can leave. She doesn't want a man who sees himself as being unworthy of her. She wants a man who won't hesitate to put her in her place when she is out of order.
Your W will probably never tell you the things I have just revealed. Women are not going to tell their H's things like this. So, I am here, trying to tell you guys things your W won't say. Take it for what it's worth.
You said it yourself, right after you first started this thread. Something to the effect that when you threw in the towel then she would get interested in you. So, why haven't you dropped the rope? What will it take for you to see this way is not working?
Have you gotten a shark lawyer yet? I suggest you do. Stop following her rules and start setting your own.
Did you read my threads about WW's?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
