Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers So Much Time is Passing By Pt. II

Quick synopses: H and I have been together for 9 years, married 4. H walked out in August 2015, attempted what I thought was reconciliation and then stopped that and all contact dead in its tracks, stating that he eventually wants a D. Since then, we've had very little contact. I sometimes ask myself why am I crying over a man who doesn't want me but all I can really say to that is because I love him, he makes me laugh and want to have a family with him.

As some may know, the issue of having children and creating the family and life I've always wanted (specifically with H), has been weighing heavily on my heart. My mind often drifts to when all of that will happen for me. But I know everyone here keeps saying to not dwell in the future but stay present...so that's what I'm doing.

I have alot to do to get back on my feet and I just dread it. I don't want to give up on my M even though I feel just like what's the point sometimes as H and I have such little contact. Just want to talk to him, and be affectionate with him. Don't want to feel like I'm wrong or I'll get "in trouble" or turned away from for kissing and loving my husband. That's how I feel now - like a strong, delusional fool. Feeling like alot of time is passing by, though that's not up to me.

Journaling: I guess this is what H wants. He hasn't reached out at all. Especially since he said he would. And I know I'm not supposed to believe anything he says/does but he knows whats going on and doesn't seem to care. I get lonely and I miss him. Last night just wanted to pick up the phone and tell him about work.

We've all been there, Hope.

Who knows what H is thinking/feeling. Maybe he's feeling really depressed and lonely himself.

It's ok to feel lonely and to miss him. Let yourself feel. This whole situation sux.

Keep going, you are getting stronger whether you realize it or not.

Thornton, was just over on your thread about to comment on PigPen's "Donut" and I think this pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. Made me feel a good feeling just reading that.

Hope you are a good person and I understand about the loss of companionship in the evening. Could you read a book? Call a dear friend? Or why not watching a good film? If you are that lost I can give you some of my work, as I could do with a extra pair of hand to mark school books :-)

Sorry you were feeling down last night, Hope. I miss the daily talks with my H about our mundane lives the most, too. My H said we were never friends, but that is what I seem to miss the most - the companionship and always knowing there was someone in my corner. I also loved the donut comment. I think it fits - some days the hole is large and others it is smaller.

Have you thought about maybe volunteering? I also agree with all of Rourky's great suggestions. The reason I mention volunteering is because yesterday I cleaned the garage and I never noticed the knot in my stomach for 2 hours! It was bliss. Of course, it was there, but I didn't feel it because I was so focused. I think volunteering would be a great way to focus on others and maybe not focus on our sitch as much. I am going to look into it for Mondays when divorce care ends and H has the kids those days.

Remember - no mind reading. I feel a lot like you do, Hope because it is the same amount of time that has passed as you. I often feel like he is happy with being alone (or with the OW, who knows?). But, I think mind reading (he doesn't want to be with me) or expectations (he said he would check in) just make us crazier!

Stay strong - thinking of you!

Hope, It will be okay. I like brooke's suggestion of volunteering. I deep cleaned and reorganized my whole house just to keep me from calling at nights. Nights are the hardest. We need to get a hobby for nights to distract us.

Thanks Rouky, broke, Rednail & Thornton for all your suggestions.

I've definitely thought about volunteering, actually I was talking about it today and last Sunday at church. I agree its a good way to not focus on yourself.

Sometimes, my mind is completely not on H and my sitch, and then as soon as I remember him, or think about him or something I would tell him or anything for that matter, we're back to the hole.

And I wonder, am I going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life? This empty place in my heart that wants my H to be good to me and for my M to survive?

Mornings can be hard and at night I have to keep myself busy with a workout or something.

I know we will not feel this way forever.. it seems like it now but I know 100% we will not be miserable forever.

For myself I see 1 of 3 things happening.
I will a- move on, give up and file myself when I am done and over it which means I will be happy and moving on.

b- Be divorced and miserable for a little bit but be forced into moving on which means eventually I would end up happy.

or C- get back together which means I may or may not be happy depending on that whole situation.

I watched my mom be divorced 2 times. Right now at almost 50 she is in the best shape of her life, looks amazing, everyone loves her, is a strong independent woman, amazing grandma and is REALLY HAPPY, and it hasn't even been a year after her divorce.

Right now is the worst though. That is for sure.

Hope - it won't be forever. You have a very kind and good heart to be here fighting for your marriage. I can promise you that we will not be miserable about our M forever. Some moments it seems that way, but I know that if we DB the way we are supposed to, we will be better versions of ourselves for our next relationship with or without the H.

Like Red, I have an example of a very happy divorced woman. I met her at divorce care and she told me that I am living her life but she is 4 years ahead of me. Her H divorced her, married the OW and moved out of state. She said she had hope even when she signed the D papers and stood for the marriage. Two years after the divorce, she is very happy, single and dating. In fact, she won't settle at all when she's dating because she got comfortable being alone and realizing what she really wants in her next relationship.

We will get through this. The light is hard to see at the end of the very dark tunnel but it is there way off in the distance. Some days it is easier to see the light and other days you can never see it. But, we will get there better versions of ourselves because we stood for our marriage and we can look ourselves in the eye and know that.