Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers She's thinking of leaving again 4

I think considering she has only been in the house 10 minutes in five months, sees her son in a car and almost never any other time and still thinks fondly of me ( miss you etc) I'll just hand over the pen drive to S without any comment. It doesn't inconvenience me and every time she puts on a programme who knows maybe she'll think of me and the times we used to watch them together. The last time she finished a series she bombarded me with a series of texts wanting to chat about it. I know she watches them alone when OM is working or with mates.

Hey Scrant,

Odd position you are in. This seems like a lot of cake eating to me especially if she is living with OM. That would change the entire ball game for me. I am no where close to a vet, but I think a well placed truth dart may be useful. I hope some others chime in your situation.

Hi Pinn
I understand what you are saying but I said for this particular thing I see it as something which serves as a constant reminder of our joint past. W is European and speaks great English whereas OM has no idea. W watches these alone while he is out working or with his friends. I think it is a gentle reminder of other times. Who knows? You might be right and it is great to have other viewpoints.

Hey Scrant,

I hear you.. this stuff is hard. In a lot of ways, believe it or not, I wish my WW was living with someone. Then decisions (for me) would be much more clear cut.

For me, my goal would be to show WW exactly what life is like without me. That would mean don't come to me to get a show we used to watch together, get it yourself. And don't talk to me about it after either, that is what we used to do. That stopped the moment you walked out. Know what I mean? I want her to feel a loss honestly. I do not want her reminiscing on our joint past, I want her to long for it.

Anyway, just my thoughts and I completely understand where you are coming from. This has seemed to make my WW realize some things.

Yes I can see where Pinn is coming from. Scrant, you see the watching of these shows by her as a link to your past together. Perhaps she does feel some fondness and that the memories are happy. However, I also think that by being her 'supplier' you help to keep her in that place of comfort - where she can watch the shows supplied by you and feel a link to you - some reassurance that you are there for her should she need you (or change her mind.)

However, there is also merit in minimising contact and not kindly doing stuff for her. That leaves her very much alone with OM - and of course he is a bit of a moron. It would probably give things a bit of a shake up if you did start socialising with some singles - even if just on a friendship basis. Better that than being 'reliable' and kindly supplying stuff when she asks for it. Being a little more unpredictable is no bad thing.

Though I do understand where you are coming from. And I recognise there is a lot you don't respond to, and I also think you manage your emotions well when you are in contact with your W. I guess I'm just providing another perspective and of course you'll decide what feels right to you.

Xx

Thanks for all the ideas. I think that just saying a straight no would come across as being a bit of a jerk. However she has asked for one specific series. I have plenty of others which I know she'd like but I'm not going to mention or add them on. I would have done so in the past but not now. Also I'll give S the pen drive when I get around to it., there's no hurry. I don't have to speak about it with her, just pass them to S and go back to NC. I've only answered one of her various texts this morning. Her questions about S I haven't answered as that is for him to do. After our meal last week she is trying to up the contact to bring things back to normal after almost two months without meeting. I notice she only texts from work, not at times when she's at home like the weekend. When she sent me the miss you text one night I'm sure that was OM's sports evening. I assume all the kisses and miss yous, hugs etc are to check I'm still there. I don't tell her most of what I do and nor does S. After her comments that the separation was good for me and I'm a different person ( really? She said I was the best person she knew when she left me!) I'm happy to keep out the way for now and let her do her own thinking.

She is also still hoping to invite me out for dinner which can only happen if there is something important to discuss about S. I need to get back GAL, I'll think about your singles idea Sotto but that sort of thing feels like closing the door on my marriage which I'm not ready for yet, not while I still have feelings for W. It was a long together.

Hey Scrant,

I see a lot of myself in you. Hang in there. You can do this. GAL is key my friend... it really is.



Scrant... my man... who is a bigger jerk...You for not giving her the show, or her for LIVING with OM and only texting you from work?? You wouldn't have to say no, you could just ignore it. I am not suggesting any action or inaction here, you need to do whatever feels right for you but you should think about what you wrote there. That seems to be the wrong mind set. I used to think the same way. I debated whether to wish my WW happy birthday a few months after BD. Even bought her a gift. But I didn't give it to her or wish her birthday. I felt like a jerk for not doing it. I wrote about it here actually. It really bothered me at the time. In my mind though, it was the right move.

I hope you do not take this the wrong way, just wanted to give you some thoughts. I have found that whenever people write on my thread, it at least lets me see things a bit differently.

I find this concept of DB somewhat paradoxical: If you Detach successfully, wouldn't you be closing the door on your marriage? It's a conundrum I am struggling with as I am reading the DR book.

I have to agree with Pinn here: Your wife is having sex with another man and you want to give her shows to watch? Isn't that the ultimate doormat behavior?