Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Where do we go from here Part 2

Link to my old thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2658811#Post2658811

The basics
WW cheated on me for months and then left with my step sons. She continues to carry on the A but has not filed for D. She has anger in her that I have never seen before but guess it helps her justify and sleep better at night. I still pine for my WW despite wishing I could just detach and move on. Now there are issues with seeing my S13 and S16 really wants nothing to do with me.

So this is what I need advice on. Please anyone weigh in on it even if you don't feel you have much to say.

Well anyway again I pick up S13 for practice. As usual I see him come out of the house and he just looks miserable. He is quiet most of the way up but starts to say something and then stops. He does this a few times and then is just useless at practice. Another coach at the end asks about when will he start working out like he used to (that kids would push him until he is crying and yet still keeps going). He first says, well I am sick and a certain woman will not take me to the doctor and wont let a certain man take me either.

So since he is been so out of it, I decide to skip my work out and take him home. As we start driving I say to him "I think I am going to give you a couple week break if that's ok with you." He asks why. I say

Me: "Well you are not feeling well and you just don't seem into it. Look you had a great season but it was a rough season. You did 2, two hour practices with a 30 minute break in between three nights a week, had matches two nights a week and then tournaments every weekend. I just think you might feel a bit burned out and need some time away to refresh."

S: "Its not that I feel burned out, its just that I have so much stuff on my mind, I cannot concentrate on wrestling."

Me: "Well what's on your mind. I know if you are like me there is so much stuff that its like a blur and you can't just focus on one thought and try and grab one and just tell me about it."

He proceeds to tell me, how he is worried about me and his mom and it bothers him. And he wants to live with me.

Me: "Well I would like it if you could come live with me too."

S: "No I don't want to live with you sometimes and mom others. I ONLY want to live with you."

Me: "Well your mom loves you and would miss you."

S: "I don't care, I do not like my mom..."

He then proceeds to tell me that she is constantly in a miserable mood and is constantly screaming at him and his brother. Now S13 has a tendency to exaggerate things but its only about himself. However, he begins telling me that he feels real bad for his brother cause she is much meaner to S16 than S13. He continues that he does not want to see his mom or spend anytime with him. I can tell he is crying, and the closer we get to his house the worse it gets.

So what do I do? Here is what I am thinking. First, I think I need to contact the school and get him into a counseling program. However, I need to approach this so it does not come back to me, in case WW attempts to find out why he is in counseling. So I think I call my cocoach and get him to have one of S's teachers refer him to counselling.

After that I think I need to wait for awhile, while he gets counselling. I think if he opens up to them and says the same things he is telling me and apparently others, they will probably have WW come in. They may even ask me to come in. It is also possible they call child services.

Then depending on the circumstances I think I need to file for custody and then approach her about creating something.

Please though if anyone has any ideas let me know. And let me say this is not about custody and getting what I want, this is about his emotional stability and mental health of S. He desperately needs help.

Tim,

I am 100% behind your plan to get the assistant coach to call the counselor and get S13 started. Is there any chance he can recommend counseling for S16, too? Are they at the same school? Now, you know why S16 has cut you out of his life - he doesn't want his mom to be even more hard or angry at him. Usually, oldest children are people pleasers and he probably hates to be in any kind of conflict. You are definitely on the right track that S13 (and S16, too) need to be in some kind of counseling ASAP.

Just as an aside, our counselor doesn't share anything with my H or I that my boys share in counseling with him. So, it is a "safe" place for them to show their anger or sadness with us. So, I am not sure that the counselor will be able to share things with your WW about what they say. I just hope that your W will agree to the counseling for them….she seems so angry and worried about who knows about the affair that I am concerned that she may refuse. I will pray that I am wrong.

Of course, S13 can't concentrate on wrestling right now. His world is falling apart. My oldest is a straight A student and his grades have dropped. My youngest won't tell a soul that his parents are splitting up because then it makes it real and he can't sleep most nights. However, make sure S13 knows that you are taking him out of wrestling not as a punishment but to help him address the real issue of the divorce and the issues that come with that. Ask him if it is okay - it may be his only real "escape" and he may lose the only time he gets to see you in the meantime (while there is no formal parenting plan in place).

Our counselor has encouraged my oldest to stand up to his dad (and me to a lesser extent) about what he really needs. I do think it is a good idea to see how the counseling works because S13 may get the courage to tell his mom that he wants you to still be a part of his life. So, the counselor may not be able to tell the WW about exactly what S13 says in the sessions but he may be able to tell him to voice what he wants and maybe he can ask permission to talk to WW if that doesn't work.

That's just my opinion. Again, I am very sorry that you are going through this. It just infuriates me that my H can't text his kids for 3 days when he is presumably with the OW and you want desperately to stay part of your stepsons' lives and you are getting denied that access especially when S13 clearly wants you to be in his life. And, it is obvious that they could use a stable parent right now.

So I"m 100% for him getting counseling in school. Have you asked him how he feels about it? He very well could ask for it himself through school. But either way, I would get it done. I know you're worried W is going to try and somehow "blame" you for his counseling. But the reality is his parents split, that's traumatic (believe me, I've been there!). If she tries to play the blame game, just say that it's been a hard time for everyone involved and it never hurts to have someone to talk to.

And then I think you take it one small step at a time. Ask the L about the possibility of petitioning for custody but I wouldn't pull the trigger on that. Information is power.

I agree with the plan.

However, be prepared for major backlash if/when W finds out. She certainly doesn't want the school to know about her behavior.

But I absolutely agree, do what you can to protect him.

Man, your W does not sound stable right now.

Does she have a history of mental illness? Bipolar? Has she been drinking a lot lately?

She sounds so out of it right now.

He doesn't want to be take a break and I explained it was not a punishment. I think it is his way out of things right now. So I think from here on out I am going to be his partner for pretty much all practice. That will give him time out of the house with WW and show him I am committed to him, instead of him sharing me with 20 other kids. I will be able to give him breaks and it will just be me and him.

I just am so sorry for him and the hell that that kid is going through. You know I always loved the mother she was and now I do not even know this woman. Had I not been so in love with her and met her for the first time today I would not even give her the time of day.

Thornton, I do not know if she has been drinking. No clue, S didn't say anything about it. I also do not know anything about mental health histories. Her mom suffers from undiagnosed depression and probably other issues. But it is not treated.

I think many of us feel the same way about our WAS - them not being who we married or who we thought they were. But, I really have to say that, while my H drives me crazy, I am glad we can productively coparent the kids. From one mother to another, I just don't understand where all her anger is coming from. I think she's as messed up in the head as my H - trying to fill their emptiness up in all the wrong places. But, her kids seems to be smack dab in the middle of her anger and, really, shouldn't they be the gifts in all this drama? I know my kids are really the only thing that kept me sane and "trying to stay on the high road" this whole time. It is really a shame that they have so much to deal with right now.

And, I am so glad you have a plan for wrestling. I figured it was the one place he felt better and you are there, too. That predetermined time with you would be taken away if you pulled him from the sport….

I would not pull him just give him a 2 week break. I did it last summer to let him get a rest but this is the run up to nationals and he made it the last two years.... I don't see him making it this year honestly. His mind and hear are just not in it and I can understand why. Well anyway I can see what type of week this is gonna be. Really where do we get the strength to deal with all this. I am just hanging on by a thread, which is frayed and straining. I keep trying to hold on to may sanity but it is slipping through my fingers quickly!

You're gonna have to dig deep my friend. Don't forget what you are capable of.

You don't feel like it but you are a lion, Tim. Dig deep.

Think back to when you had so much confidence that you were unstoppable. Well that guy is still in you. Be courageous and summon all your strength. You have it in you.

You truly are unstoppable. Stand firm on your beliefs because that's what defines you as a man. Don't waiver.

Yes it hurts. But you will rise to the occasion. I know it.