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Welp, I probably did something I shouldn't have. A couple of weeks ago I turned my online dating profile back on just to see what was out there. Didn't initiate or investigate anyone, just let it sit. Got all sorts of messages of course because that seems to be how these things go, but one stood out to me, checked him out, messaged back.. which turned into a first date, after which I was sort of "meh" but figured if he asked again I would go. So that turned into a second date after which I was even less excited/more leaning towards no, but he asked me out again right away. After much internal debate I decided to give him another shot because I know people are often shy or nervous the first time or two you meet them (I am completely not shy..!)

Had a third date yesterday, really wasn't feeling it still, decided as we were leaving the restaurant this was going to be a no for me moving forward, I just wasn't excited about the potential of meeting up with him again and had no inkling of interest of anything physical with him at all. Afterwards he went in to kiss me, super awkward, it ended up being a hug and a kiss on the cheek I'm fully prepared to send him a "it was nice hanging out with you but.." text if he writes back asking to hang out again, but maybe he got the hint afterwards.

So this guy seems like a very nice guy, has his sh*t together, is a special education teacher, very polite, etc. etc. Seems to have similar values to what I do. But I just COULDN'T get interested in him in a romantic way. I wish I could have been! I tried to keep an open mind after the first date and get to know him but just something about his mannerisms/how he talked/etc. that you can't find out online, just wasn't clicking or attractive to me at all. And he was.. boring. I felt like I ended up doing most of the talking and he laughed about things I said but I had no reaction really to anything he said.

Now I feel guilty about rejecting someone that seemed to be into me. And frustrated at myself that I can't like nice guys. Surely there has to be a nice guy out there that is also somewhat interesting and that I'd have some chemistry with, right?? Or is my most recent experience clouding my judgment and making me uninterested in anyone... : / Oh well, if I miss out on this guy I don't feel like I've missed out on "the one" even if I was in a better place to be attracted to a good catch, so I'll have to trust in that feeling. Taking a break from dating until I can talk to my IC more.

It seems you did just fine. You gave a chance (and a second and third one) to a potential suitor, it didn't click, then you moved on. This is normal and it happens all the time. It is part of the process for choosing someone. You did not let go of a catch at all. You were lukewarm from the beginning and gave the guy plenty of opportunities to woo you. He didn't. I don't quite understand why you beat yourself over it. I don't even see a link with your recent breakup. What you just had was a normal, healthy dating experience. Well done for not going further!

You shouldn't go to dates wondering if he's the One (a concept I've never heard outside the US). If anything, if you want something serious, you should go to dates looking for reasons to dump them. When you find one that you just can't let go despite your best attempts, because you truly truly want more of him, that's when you have a catch. You'll be elated you found someone like that, believe me!

If you try to be attracted be attracted to every man who cleans up well and has a job, you'll catch the first guy out of the bus. Attraction and love are very special feelings and while, in the long run, we may choose to love someone, it has to be built on a basis of strong mutual attraction. Don't force it or you'll be unhappy and turn into a WAW in no time.

Again, for most people, your recent experience would be very banal. Don't let it get to you. Move on to the next prospect whenever you're ready.

By the way, responding to guys who email you is not as good as browsing for guys who interest you. You shouldn't just be reactive in this very, very important life decision. Raise the bar and go for it!

I think you did the exact right thing. Even though you didn't feel anything right away, you gave it a fair chance, and ended it knowing it wasn't going anywhere. That showed respect to yourself and your date.

Last summer I decided to dive into the online dating pool. I went on some first dates but never any seconds. I'm the type who knows if something, anything is there, right away, else I ditch it. I got the " you are being too picky, give them a chance" lecture from a few. So I went on two dates with a guy when I knew there was no attraction or interest whatsoever. I tried, and I found out on the second date he was really bitter towards his son's mom, I just knew it wasn't going anywhere. So I politely let it go.

I still tried. I went on a date with a guy and it was actually a nice date. I got a little excited about it, even though I didn't get "that" feeling. he was funny, we laughed, and when I got up to use the restroom he ordered a dessert with ice cream because he remembered I had told him it was my favorite dessert. We planned to discuss a second date. However, 2 days later I met exNG and I knew immediately I was going to fall in love with him. And I did, lol.

You don't have to date a guy just because he has a good job and treats you well. You really did give it a fair shot. Like Mozza mentioned, if you force it, you will turn into an unhappy WAW type. Mozza gave you awesome advice. Look for ones that interest you, instead of only ones that email you. Good luck, and I'll be rooting for you

KGirl I'm so excited you moved in that direction! Exactly what Mozza and Ginger said -- except that it shows you exercising healthy boundaries and judgment. Good job.

Why did you say you probably shouldn't have turned your profile back on? And I'm with you -- passively letting things happen for right now, till you feel motivated to be proactive, can be useful in helping you move your mind into the idea of dating without having to actually spend your time on people. There's plenty of time to go looking for who you want down the road, when you feel more enthusiastic about the endeavor.

Happy hunting, KGirl, and keep us posted!!!

Re: why shouldn't have turned the profile on, how does this relate to the last relationship - I'm not sure if I was "ready" yet and maybe it was too soon. I sort of worry that had I been in a better mindsight (more over XBF, more happy being on my own and loving myself, etc.) that then I would have been more attracted/interested in this guy, someone who in theory has the values and qualities that I say I want and would be good for me, but because of where I am (and now I'M emotionally unavailable, maybe?) I wasn't interested? And maybe if I kept giving him a chance or pulled my sh*t together I WOULD be interested? And now I've lost another potential good prospect in what seems to be a dwindling pool of good prospects? Some of my friends are telling me I'm being too picky especially since I couldn't say what exactly I was so ambivalent about, so I kept trying to be open-minded. But probably no matter what I'd still feel "blech" thinking about listening to his voice or his general demeanor or that I held up most of the conversation (all those things you don't know about from online profiles but are still really important!)

I was kind of hoping he'd just fade away. But he texted me today saying that he really liked spending time with me so far and that three dates has given him time to think and realize he'd like to spend more time together, how did I feel? So I had to send the rejection text. I did it as nicely as I could ("I think you're a really nice guy but it's just not clicking for me in that way.. best wishes"), didn't apologize (because I shouldn't feel sorry!) but I still feel super cr*ppy about it because I'm usually on the other end and know how it feels. Cried for a bit. I've never actually had to reject someone like this, in my whole life. There were a few guys I went on 1-2 dates with after D was final and I knew I wasn't interested but they just didn't contact me again so I didn't have to deal with it. This was SO MUCH HARDER than I expected. Maybe it's part of feeling like I need to be "nice" and not hurt people's feelings.

... go figure, I get a message from someone on match. He seems interesting, I scroll through the pictures - one of them looks very much like the backdrop from the holiday party I went to with XBF for his work. Yep, guy works at the same place. What are the odds that someone from a 100-person company, in a town of 200,000+ people, would find me? Maybe I got a referral

KGirl, you did just fine. What would have been cr*ppier is if you had let it drag out. Giving a fair shot is one thing, stringing someone along is another. There have been a couple of guys I dated for about a month (each, not at the same time!) and then broke up with them. It wasn't easy, but it was right.

Look, here's the important thing about dating:
you SHOULD go out with people that you feel an attraction towards - and if it wasn't happening for you in 3 dates, it was probably not going to. This will happen a LOT, that a guy looks good on paper but no chemistry in person. Chalk it up to pheromones, subtle clues about his true personality, whatever - but it happens.

The FLIP side of the coin is that ATTRACTION IS NOT ENOUGH. So if you meet a guy that you're wildly attracted to, but he's an alcoholic chronic adulterer without a job or ambitions - uh, no.

The trick for you, is to not keep making the mistake of going for guys who attract you, but because of old unconscious scripts, are poor choices for partners. For instance, I have a friend who grew up in a family with alcoholism - not her nuclear family, but the extended family. Her alcoholic uncle was the interesting, charming, warm father figure she wished her dad could be. So as an adult, if there's an alcoholic in the room - in recovery or not - that's inevitably the guy she finds attractive, even if that fact is unknown to her at the time.

So if you usually find your self attracted to unavailable guys - you need to be very very careful about not dating those guys, EVEN IF you find them attractive. You need to wait for the guys you find attractive who are ALSO good choices on paper for you.

K, how ya doin?

Still here! I'm OK, I guess. Ups and downs. Some days are perfectly fine, other days not so much. I feel lifted out of the sort of all-pervasive depression I was most certainly in up until about a month ago. Went on another date last week with a friend of a friend. Nothing terribly wrong, just... not interested, again. I feel sort of disillusioned with online dating and either am uninterested in anyone, or the people that I am interested in I've started to message and they don't reply. So that aspect of things sort of s*cks right now.

My IC noted that it seems like a lot of my worth or value comes from being in a relationship. I don't know that I think I am any less valuable or worthwhile.. but it is important to me as a life goal, I want someone to share my life and day-to-day stuff with and experiences, and if I'm not working towards that or seeing progress, it's hard. Some of my coworkers are in their early 50's and either never married or divorced 10+ years ago and have said they have no interest in being in a relationship or dating and they are perfectly fine on their own. I just cannot envision that sort of life - it's not what I want and I'm worried about it. Sigh. And then my thoughts meander to XBF and how I was at least mostly happy and maybe if I hadn't been so demanding etc. etc. Days like today I just want him to come back and I wonder if he thinks of me. And I'm mad at XH for wasting my college years when I could have met someone who would stick around.