Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need practical ideas to aid my 180/Last Resort.WAW

"She felt that I tried to control her whenever we disagreed. Which is not how I saw it. "

Do you understand how just that statement alone is controlling on your part?

Going back a bit to the guy she met at the meeting that you said she had an EA with. What did they text to each other?

MrBond - Thanks for your comment. I guess I don't understand how that statement is controlling. It appears I have a long way to go.

What should one do then to overcome this? I ask you and others sincerely.

For what it's worth - I don't see your statement as controlling.

Thanks Painter. Goes to show there is a wide perspective. The current in house separation makes it very hard to show that I'm changing. The coach has said to not talk about the future - so I'm sticking to that.

Sandi2/Cadet or any one else any ideas on how to change myself on the perception of control while in the in house separation?

As someone who knows she does this and is trying to fix it, here's my take on it.
When my WH and I got into a disagreement, rather than listening to his perspective, I would immediately start trying to convince him that his perspective is wrong. I'd talk him in circles so by the end of it, he believed what *I* thought was correct. I never put myself in his shoes, I just immediately went on the defensive trying to prove/convince him he was wrong.

Turns out, people don't like when you do that.

Any chance that's what your W is thinking you do?

i think it's important to remember your W's perspective is her reality. So even if you weren't controlling, to her it feels real.

I have the same issue with my WW, especially after D-Day. Before then, she never complained about me "controlling." I fall under the Nice Guy category, even though I have a strong personality I never try to "boss" over her.

After I confronted her with her EA, however, she always accuses me of being "controlling" to her friends. Part of it is justification for leaving me. The other part of it is because she no longer feels necessary to be my wife. For instance, I used to always ask her, "So, what were you up to today?" on Fridays, because she gets the day off. Now, she always claim to her friends that I'm "stalking" her...

What a great group you all are. Thanks for your comments.

Yes, I understand that her perception is her reality. That is the problem right now. She perceives me to be a threat and will not let that go.

Yes, I did do some "convincing" as Sparkls illustrated. Also, when we disagreed I would choose to agree to disagree. Which built resentment.

Now, I would do things different - Obviously. But, I don't have the opportunity right now as the distance between us is huge and I'm sure she is slowly making plans to move and Divorce.

So I'm trying to implement my 180/Last resort. Make positive changes to my self and take off the super husband cape.

I'm keeping a safe space and trying to be detached and distanced. Occasionally she engages with me e.g. watches TV with me.

But, we don't talk about the future and we don't talk about the past. We just exist. We only talk about our sons and current affairs.

That's why I'm so thankful you are all here. I need practical ideas on how to 180/Last resort. I've got the basics - they are hard but I'm trying.

Send in your comments, ideas, etc It really helps.

Lol I am controlling and manipulative too. Funny thing everyone that knows us knows she always wore the pants in the family. Yes I did make unilateral decisions on things without consulting her. But nothing big. I never heard her say controlling, manipulative or stalking until after I called her out on her A.

BTW it can get even uglier, check out my threads.

Below is a description of DBing detaching. Read it carefully b/c it will help you understand that detaching is not so much about the physical pulling away as it is other things.

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Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.