Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Looking for a Spark in the dark

I agree with broke, you are still sooooooo early in the process. Sometimes I think it's getting slightly easier with GAL and time, but then I find myself still waking up at all times of the night and walking back and forth across the apt, sitting on my side of the bed and crying. Also, 7.5 months and I still confine myself to my side of the bed, as if H will magically appear in his spot where he is supposed to be (which I like to think is in bed with me).

And ya, I also fear that with all this time, space and lack of contact that H will have too much pride or be embarrassed to come back.

I feel this way…and I sleep on my side of the bed, too.

Sparks, Hope and Broke I hear you all. While I am early into my sitch, I feel the same as all of you. I guess we all do and that is why we are here. I often just think about my WW and what she is doing, how did she just walk away from us and what do I need to do to make her realize I am her true love. Keep telling myself there is nothing I can do and me living better is the only way she may realize it. I wish it would not take so long.

Hang in there Sparks, I wish there was something I could say to you that would relieve your pain, but there are no such words.

Sparkls,
Hope disc golf was fun! Like others have stated, you are so new to this... It's going to take a long time before your emotions start to balance out. It stinks to hear, but it's the truth! Deep breaths.

I just wanted to share something that helped for me in terms of sleeping (because I was a zombie for months and months). I downloaded guided meditations and listened to them as i was trying to fall asleep. While i have no scientific proof, I believe they did help with the dreams, too. I found some that were almost like hypnosis, but it honestly helped. My two favorite that i listened to all the time were "getting rid of fear" and "getting rid of worry". It just helps to turn the brain off all while helping your psyche, too. When I would awake in the middle of the night, I would start the meditation over and it ALWAYS worked.

Keep up with your GALing! Enjoy what you DO have and what IS working in your life!

Disc golf was a lot of fun but on the drive, it was just constant memories. I'm struggling today and I failed and snooped a little. The best friend of OW is posting things on her FB like "the hardest thing you'll ever do is grieve the loss of someone who's still alive."

I want so desperately to just text him "Please come home."
I just want some sort of temp check. To ask his friend if he's talked to him. IF he's second guessing himself at all. Any of it.

We all want to do that at times sparkles. The question is do you want to know the answer? You know what answer you want, are you ready for the answer you don't want?

I in no way shape or form claim to be over WW. I think of her a lot. The feelings are there, I am however not as effected by the thought of her as I was. I am ready for someone to tell me she is moved on? That she is happier and better without me? Not at all.

You are doing very good with moving forward and GAL. If ever our S want to come back I think they will. And like most WS or WAS they have to get that shock to shake them of their fantasy. Then they have to grieve like we are now.

Personally I want to be over my grieving and ready to move forward if ever W comes back. I want to be strong and ready for anything that happens. To focus on the future not the past.

So I want to ask if memory lane was as painful as it was a week, 2 weeks even a month ago?
You are an amazing and strong woman. I believe in you, and you know you can do this even if it's deep down.

What do you have planned for the rest of your day?

I didn't have as many memory lane moments in the first few weeks, just pure shock and pain. Its lately that memories have really been sucker-punching me in the gut. And it seems like literally anything will make me think of him, some small memory that was stored away but now is in bright daylight to hurt me all over again.

The one important thing I've figured out is that I really don't need him. Im managing just fine without him. But that leaves this hole because I really, really want him. I miss my partner.
For background the letter I put on his stuff when I kicked him out said :
H,
For now, I need you to not be in my home. You have hurt me more than I have words for not only in your initial actions but your continued disreguard/respect for me. I deserve better than this.
We will discuss more when you get back from CO but for now, you aren't welcome here. I will take care of the dogs. You have everything you need.
Figure your sh*t out. You are having a mid life crisis type affair, you need help figuring it out.
Call me if you need to talk,
Spark

it was before I heard of DBing and proper boundaries and whatnot but that's where I left things with him, assuming he even read it. I worry that he doesn't know he can come back, that I was too harsh and that is why he felt so awkward when he came to get more of his stuff.
I'm mind reading, a big no-no.
But I wonder if I should just send an email saying that something like: I agree we need some space to work on ourselves and figure out what we want from ourselves and from each other. I know I want to work on this R. I know that given time and patience, I can forgive you and myself for what has happened. I know you don't feel that way and that's okay, I understand that too. I'm sorry for trying to tell you how you felt and for not listening more carefully when you spoke. I'm sorry for all the little ways I tried to control you or "fix" you. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel dumb. I'm sorry for ever belittling what was important to you. I know I'm not perfect and I am going to spend time working on making myself a better person so that whatever relationship I enter next, I can do better. I want that to be with you but if not, I'll still be better for it.

I"m sure that's probably a mistake.
Ugh I'm all over the place every day.

Hey Sparkles,

I know it's hard to think about all this stuff. And our minds tell us that if we could just say the right thing, at the right time, then we could snap them out of their fog.

It doesn't work that way because we aren't dealing with someone using logic.

I think the trick is giving them space and time to realize that maybe, just maybe, they made a mistake. And by moving on with our lives, we turn the tables on the WAS's. We become the WAS and THEY become the LBS.

While we are going through such intense pain and despair, we start to question our self worth. Why weren't we good enough? This is all a lie that we tell ourselves. We ARE good enough, in fact, we are better than the WAS because we stand by our convictions. We don't quit when things get hard. We deserve better. Everyone knows relationships are hard, the D rate is over 50%. But we still CHOOSE to work for it. We CHOOSE to not give up. We CHOOSE love. We CHOOSE loyalty.

Not everyone shares this type of character, Sparks. And if our WAS's want to walk away, we must let them go. Because we can't make them think like us. We can't make them loyal. And we can't make them love us.

But what we can do is move on, and live our lives with integrity and honor. And when we do that, the stars will align, and we will meet who we are supposed to be with. Maybe that's our WAS, maybe not. But we deserve better than what we are getting.

Take control of your life, Sparks. Chase your dreams. And don't take sh!t from anyone!

DO NOT SEND THE EMAIL

The problem is right now chasing my dreams means chasing him :-p As far as other dreams, I did chase them, I've pretty much achieved them. This was supposed to be the start of the "ever after" that comes when I've finally succeeded. And now I'm looking at "Ever After" by myself. I know I'll do just fine but damnit I want him there. I want to share this with him.


And yeah, I know better than to send the email. Just feels like going dark isn't doing any good, so why continue to do it, ya know? "Do what works." This doesn't seem to be working, what can I do differently.
I started positing a bit more on facebook. I had largely gone quiet because I couldn't figure out how to turn notifications off so every time I logged in, I'd get a pop up about what he's doing (well really all of his posts are just funny things that he finds and posts). Figure that out at least. So I posted two little brief things. A funny sign that the church by my house post ("we take pray pal) and a check in with my friends for lunch after we went disc golfing. Stuff I would've normally done before d-day but had stopped doing because I didn't trust myself enough not to post sad things or look at his wall or whatever. We're still "In a relationship" on Fb. can't make up my mind if I want to change that or not. He hasn't changed it either.