Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I Still Think It's Too Late (pt 2)

Hi Tim,
yeah I try not to be angry - but it seems it's that or sad. I dunno. I went off to do a job today with a mutual friend, and he'd heard about the D, but didn't know much. I didn't really tell him much either to tell the truth. I just said there was somebody else, which always comes as a surprise. I said I'm really not a monster, but neither is she. I just screwed up, but also I think she's doing these things to justify what she's done.

I don't think there's much difference between 3 years and 30 to tell you the truth, other than one gives you a little more time to recoup than the other.

keefa, thanks for the thoughts. I appreciate hearing the different points of view - and it's so strange the similarities. Just like us doing the DB, I wonder if there's a "affairs for dummies - and how to turn it around on your hubby". Seriously? So we're constantly reacting.

I need to get where you are - at least considering her an acquaintance instead of my best friend and lover. Hard transition.

And guys, I totally, 100% blew it today.

I can't believe it. The first time in 2 months the W has communicated with me - and the DR went right out the window.

I was asking for access to the house, and she believes I have a key. I know now she's been reading my email - because I discussed ways of procuring a key with a friend but never did.

Anyway, it started with the "well you've got the key, so just go in and have the courtesy to tell me when...".

I reiterated I don't have access, please let me in.

The next email she basically blamed me for everything, and turned everything on me 100%. It was unbelievable - but it wasn't. I should know better. I'm the one using lawyers, I'm the one who didn't love her but only the money, I'm this, I'm that. Everything she's doing - I got blamed for. She had the laundry list. Telling everybody it was an affair when it's really about us, getting her parents involved (I cut communication on suggestions here what - over a month ago? Month and a half?), on and on.

So, I blew it. Rather than validate and accept, I let her have it with both barrels.

Man oh man. I haven't slept for 2 days, got back from this job - and all I want, and have wanted for 2 days is into my house to use a bloody scanner for 10 minutes. And, I screwed up. I should have stopped, taken a breath - or ignored it.

I just want into my house so badly. And I let her push my buttons.

At this point you know what? I'm not sure that I care. I had my chance, it was email and not face to face. I'm not sure I'll have a similar opportunity. I noticed she CC'd her lawyer on the first one, then stopped when she made the accusations.

Ugh. I mean I was so afraid to ask to get in I actually considered springing $2k for a new @#&% scanner. Something I almost never use. That's how totally cowed she's got me.

Anyway, I'm not sure where to go from here, I ended on "please just let me in. Or, put the scanner in the garage and I'll return it within 24 hours".

Let's say I had a key - why would that prevent one of them from opening the door and letting me in? I mean, if I had the assistant following me around writing down everything I took - wouldn't this be advantageous?

I dunno, I haven't gotten an answer back - so I suppose that means I'm not getting in. I could always try breaking in I suppose if that's what she wants.

Don't forget the Guinness!

Heck, I forgot to get red potatoes at the farmer's market. Hope they're not out on Saturday!

Hey 1313, don't be too hard on yourself. Some times anger gets the best of us and we say some pretty nasty stuff. You are only human acting under extreme emotions. Try not to beat yourself up to bad. While yes you should have validated and acted as if, you didn't really, what is the worst she could do, divorce you? You are headed there anyway friend, don't get down on yourself, OK?

Just don't let it happen again. Do not hit the send button next time. In fact next time that happens, type out what you want to say in word, print it up and then burn it. Then go back take some time to cool off, a couple days if you need to.

I should have burned it - you're right.
It's just that I want in the house so badly - and am up against a deadline I'm already late for. It's such a minor thing - I just wanted to scan this stupid painting before I send it off. The next time I'll see it it'll be on a wall with a bid sheet next to it, and hopefully it'll sell for a lot of money. I just like having digital copies - as does the W.

And, that's probably why I'm running up against this - she knows this.

You know what was brilliant? She said she thought I'd be happy to get rid of the domains as it's given me so much grief.

That's like the murderer saying he thought it would be nice to take the knife out because it must hurt something awful.

Ugh.

Thanks for the support Tim - that means a lot especially from somebody who makes my problems look like being worried about not enough butter for popcorn.

Could you take the painting somewhere like Staples to get a scan of it?

Personally, I think she is doing this because she knows you want it. I read somewhere that with WWs you gotta treat them like kids, knowing they will be difficult on something you want you gotta act as though you do not want it. I am not sure how to apply it in every situation. For example I would like her to take S to the doctor. How do I say, "No you cant take him to the doctor." so she just decides she will to spite me.

Does she have a court order barring you from the house? If not, why are you asking her permission to enter your own home? She obviously thinks you have a key and said to go ahead, so what's the problem?

Honestly, I feel you're somewhat wrapped up in games with her. You're giving both her and the assistant too much power.

Hi Tim,
Well, I did get in to scan it today. The issue I've got is it's got to be extremely high resolution, and I've got this thing calibrated almost perfectly.

Painter No, the first court date is next week, and the L's want to keep this out of court as much as possible. I'm doing what the lawyer is asking - but I'm starting to wonder if I should switch attorneys. I think that she's trying to play nice, and we're doing everything they ask, while they're doing nothing we ask.

I really don't know why this being locked out is not being used as an issue - everybody is sort of blowing it off. As they're blowing off this recent identity theft thing.

I had better figure things out quickly if I switch. I'm just feeling I'm being walked on - and the attorney I've got is proceeding as if my W is a rational person.

Yes, I could go into the house - I think. But I also suspect the W has installed an alarm system because of something she let slip. Regardless, it's still my house. What I'm afraid of I suppose is what I knew she was going to do when she did this. While she's not afraid physically (she could never have gotten away with that one) she's claiming I'm abusing her mentally. She's saying I was going in, and doing stuff to gaslight her. Moving things, breaking things, leaving lights on...

They could do a Geico commercial about her leaving lights on. It's what she does. (can I say that?)

Oh, and now I find out the W did have a secret bank account, and right now there's $40k in it. Let that sink in for a second. They're offering me half (um, well yeah) and saying that should be the cover for attorney's fees. Except, the W already used a bunch of it for her attorney's fees. I would like to know how much was in it the second she filed.

And Tim, she emailed me again with another barrage - and I just let it go this time - well about 85% anyway. I tried to do the DB best I could, if I couldn't I didn't say anything.

She was throwing crap out there like "you think you know somebody after 35 years...". Man, how sick is that? Of course I wanted to say yeah - Then they have an affair, go to Italy with the OM, lawyer up and file for divorce, go after everything, change the locks on the house, use identity theft to get something that was offered to them, harass the spouse for passwords and things they really don't even need, won't even let the other one see the dog, have a secret bank account... I mean if you just put that out as a bullet list most people would go "wow"!

Anyway, she's being the bigger person by not dropping F bombs. Yes, I said "F you" when she accused me of being the one who started the fight. Nope, she's the bigger person. Apparently pathological liars are above all that. And tell their ex how much the honeymoon sucked.

She's in San Francisco right now, and going off to Arizona for spring training with the OM next week - after getting a room first before they arrive because they want to keep it a bit of a secret still (although that could change very soon) from the rest of the high school alum. I now know the assistant has been in on this for the whole time - she was just running interference. She didn't say a word to me when I was at the house today - it was nice.

Ugh, I hate this. Painter, I won't argue that I'm letting her play games with me - that became apparent when she kept saying I could go into the house at any time because I obtained a key, and I kept asking just to be let in. She was loving that. My good friend is amazed that she accused me of reading her emails - and then she turns out to be doing that very thing. He's like "She's a different person!". Yeah, no sH*. I know a place where a few dozen people would agree!

Wow sounds like your rollercoaster is having a ton of up, downs, twists and turns. Stay strong during it and keep taking the high road. Remember its you that has to look at you in the mirror. Come here to vent or write it out and burn it.

As far as switching lawyers, I cannot tell you what your attorney's strategy is. However, if you are not satisfied try speaking with another one. Be very very careful about the ones that make promises to you. I used to work for one that made promises to clients and when he did not deliver and they questioned him about it, he would look them directly in the eye and tell them he would never say such a thing. True story made me sick every time he did it. Get some second opinions and if you feel you found one that is a better fit go with them. Another word of caution if they are ulra aggressive determine the motivations, to get you a lot more or THEM.

1313 - I am so sorry that you are going through such an awful time. Not only the emotional toll that the demise of the M takes, but also all the lies being told. I do NOT look forward to the divorce process at all. It sounds just devastating - I wish I could offer you some words of comfort or advice. All I can say is I agree with Tim - continue to take the high road as much as you can. Leave the rest up to karma. You have to live with yourself so make sure you continue to have the integrity to do so.