Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers First post - DBing for last 2 months

Writing this as I've got this thought bouncing around in my head that I don't like and trying to get it out...

Had MC with W last night. Overall left feeling very sad as she's telling me a different, sadder version of events from 6-9 months ago that I had thought were happier. I think I started to feel her pain - I can't imagine feeling how she's describing without wanting to change; can't help feeling like I failed for not acting differently or seeing the problem back then; and I can't understand why she didn't try harder to tell me / fix, and why I wasn't able to hear it when she did try to tell me...

The part that's bugging me / scaring me is that something changed in me. She's made a number of comments last night and over last few weeks - "you're only saying those things now since you realized we're having problems" or that I'm interacting with the kids more to improve my standings relative to custody if we get there or mean spirited tit-for-tat nasty comments if she feels slighted... I never thought I'd think this, but I'm not liking who's she's become or at least her really low opinion of me. Its making me feel very cold towards her, and its scaring me. I get she's been building a lot of resentment towards me for apparently years, and that I inadvertently helped, but I still don't like knowing she thinks so low of me that I'd resort to trickery or that I do anything to hurt our kids...

I guess this is my really internalizing the comments about WAS feeling like they've been replaced by an alien, and not to believe anything they say.

How have others dealt with these seemingly conflicting feelings of on one hand wanting to be strong for you loved one knowing their in pain, and on the other hand not liking this suspicious, mean spirited, cold person that you see walking around the house? I never thought I'd feel this way, but I do feel I deserve better treatment. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I always thought she knew that I was always trying to do what I thought was the right thing to help her and our kids - now I'm seeing someone who doesn't appear to believe that, and I do not like it...

Thoughts?

YOU didnt break her and YOU can not FIX her.

US LBS's are codependent, fixers, enablers, conflict avoiders.

Those are the areas to focus on to FIX yourself.

When that happens then you will start to see more clearly your marriage and relationship.


Also please stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts.

Perhaps that is what's scaring me. I detached a little more, and I didn't like the view from that new vantage point.

How does one try to fix a relationship because you believe its more important to have the whole family together - without trying to fix the other person?

Maybe I'm too focused on measuring progress in terms of changes in her versus changes in me. I just don't understand how to measure changes in me emotionally and socially without looking at others close to me react...

You can't FIX the relationship without her being all in.

YES this is a good place to start.
Change YOU, measure your changes![quote=grelber]
Start with goals for YOU!

I hope things have improved for you grelber.

I realized its been a while since I posted... No significant changes to report.

I feel I'm doing a better job at GAL. If I feel an issue needs to be address with the kids, I now go do it without feeling like I have to vet everything with WAS first. Also with some logistic issues that mostly impact me, I let her know I'd like to discuss, but if she doesn't make time for that to happen, I go ahead with my plans. I have to admit it feels very odd, but I feel I'm doing the right thing, and it hasn't resulted in any real arguments yet, so I'll keep doing it since it seems to be working...

I was struck by another thread on the forum where Sandi was talking about WAS "temp checking" LBS, i.e. doing or saying something to see if they (WAS) are still in control of the relationship. I've had a few moments like that where WAW said she'd be willing to going back to how we were before, which I thought was outrageous given all the conversations we've had about how much she didn't like that past situation. Probably these where her testing me...

Feels like the Cold War where both sides don't trust each other, so are constantly verifying / testing, BUT have to maintain some sort of relationship (i.e. kids)...

I've found that when I'm having down times or starting to feel annoyed about the situation, I'm starting to look at what's annoying me and what I realize is that what's bugging me isn't really that big a deal. Sometimes I realize there could be a different, more innocent explanation for a comment or action. Other times I realize I'm making a bigger deal of a slight than needs to be. And then I can let the annoyance go, and I start to feel better. When there is something I feel like needs to be addressed, its feeling more like my choice to address and I can have the discussion without resentment and anger underlying my voice. It sounds simple, but it was initially really hard for me to do; starting to get easier to more I do...

Maybe this is the detachment or stoping being co-dependent that keeps getting mentioned here... Feels odd, but again feels likes its working as its helping me keep more of the anger out of my voice, and overall feeling more positive about everything I'm doing (versus carrying a grudge, which apparently I was very good at without realizing).

Situation is OK such that I'm continuing to wait it out. Kids don't seem impacted - no parents fighting; no feeling they need to choose sides. My R with WAW is cordial with moments of laughter. I'm continuing to feel like I'm improving myself, and developing some new better habits.

I feel like its my choice to wait and see as I feel its more important to keep the family together than any temporary unhappiness I'm feeling now. I want to have a R with my WAW, and I'm willing to wait to see how she works things out in her own head. I know the answer might be we can't rebuild, and I know I'll survive, but again feels like my *choice* to wait right now, which is good...

So odd to talk about so many different and new emotions, something I've never did before, and to do it with a large group of anonymous people... And still feel that I've got a shared bond with many of the people here based on their stories, so I'm not as alone as I thought...

Thanks everyone for the support, and for sharing your stories. Amazing how much they help.

It sounds like you're getting to good place. Yeah, given all that has been said from waw about how bad the M has been and to want to go back to that? Kind of delusional. Hang in there.

Thanks daybyday!

Though after reading Sandi's Reflection thread I do feel like I need to change my forum nickname to NoBalls :-)

A lot in that thread resonated, and made me realize that I've had more swagger at work than at home for a long time, and despite this current situation perhaps a 180 would be bringing some of that swagger back home. I guess home's felt like that place where I could relax and be safe, but safe isn't that exciting for very long...

What's the worst that will happen - she'll leave like she's been threatening for last few months. That may happen anyways though I'll feel like I've gotten myself to a better place. Sounds selfish writing it this way, but perhaps being a little selfish isn't that bad...

Continue to be in a holding pattern...

R with WAW is still mostly cordial, and focused on day to day logistics of our kids busy schedule. Brief glimmers of laughter and such that remind me of early days, but no physical contact with wife at all, i.e. platonic roommates. woohoo :-/ The no physical contact is pretty hard for me as I tend to be a physical guy in terms of connecting with others. I've been redirecting it to my kids in terms of more rough housing and hugs for them, which they, and I, appreciate.

I'm feeling good about my own GAL. I'm doing my own things, if she participates great; if she decides to be distant / cold shoulder, I just carry on with a smile on my face. For example, this morning I was making breakfast and she drifted into kitchen to check on family calendar; I carried on making breakfast, not explicitly acknowledging her like I had been, and she drifted back out. Small steps, but I'm trying to not always being "on" for her - I don't even know, or care, if she recognized that I didn't acknowledge her; I know I successfully fought down that knee jerk reaction...

I am finding that I'm starting to get a little more, I guess, annoyed at "polite but limited" interest from her about going-ons in my life. I completely get she's in the "don't care about you mindset" / alien has replaced my wife phase. I guess I'm saying this as it feels like I'm detaching more as I feel like I've got some interesting stuff going on in my life worth listening to, and if she's not interested well then I'm feeling less inclined to listening to her day to day stuff...

Feels so odd to be aware that I'm growing more distant from her, but its also odd / annoying that she clearly was / is seeing me as a bad husband and father. She's told me "it would have been easier if **I** had had an affair", which stuck me as crazy as its the last think I would ever do, and that "she's felt like a single parent", which I believe she's felt that way and I know my work stress level hasn't made me the greatest father the last few years, but I have done a lot for my kids so feels unfair to characterize it like I've been completely out of the picture...

I still want my marriage to work, and I still love this woman, but I'm also now seeing that I will hit a breaking point at some point in the not too distant future where I will be the one wanting out of this situation. Or to put it in terms of Sandi's Reflection post, I'm not liking being the crapped on "gay boyfriend"...

I know patience is part of the program, but when do you draw the line? I know she's doing MC, and that's a good action showing she's putting some effort into our R despite her saying don't get my hopes up. But how long do you stay in this holding pattern? I guess she feels like she's been in a holding pattern longer, and that a while ago decided it wasn't worth the effort fixing anymore, so not sure how to balance this... Just because I've now got my head back in the game doesn't right all past wrongs, even if there's mutual blame to go around... so hard...

I'm also still working through in my head the Wayward versus Walk Away thread. I really don't see any evidence that my wife has had an EA or PA. That said, some of the Wayward traits that Sandi has mentioned do resonate in my situation. Its not making me re-think the EA/PA thing, but I am looking more carefully at am I getting played / manipulated ala she's king of the roost, and/or her explicitly disrespecting me in front of the kids. I hope I'm not getting paranoid, but I feel like I'm still being too accommodating if something comes up with her schedule covering for the kids or not wanting to pick a fight in front of the kids. I do not want to make the situation worse for my kids, and I also don't want to set a bad example for my kids, especially my S16, in terms of being a doormat...

Very strange journey... Overall I'm still hopeful and trying to take all of this in stride as lots of growth / learning opportunities... Just getting a little tired of the many painful lessons...

So came back from a quick business trip, and during that trip got an opportunity to switch to a new role. It was somewhat late when I got home, and middle of putting my kids to bed and such, but I did want to share this news. My wife a while after I got home did ask how my trip went, and was already moving on to another topic barely after I said good - feels like that happens a lot in her feeling she should ask but not feeling like she cares about the answer. I did bring the topic back, and mention my news. She asked a couple of questions about it, but then stopped my mid answer with a hand timeout signal to deal with something with our oldest and getting him to bed. We dealt with that for 10 min, and then when we both got back downstairs, she's talking about some funny interaction with the kids and then she goes back to reading her book. I wait a few minutes thinking if I should force picking up my conversation again, and think better of it given how late and tired I was feeling, and put myself to bed.

Is this normal to feel this kind of irritation in our situation? Is this part of detaching? I'm still trying to find the balance point in this situation as I get she's still in the I suck mind set, but after a few months of putting extra effort to be there when she needs to talk, and I guess not talking about my day to day stuff, when I've got some real news I'm really annoyed to get shutdown.

I'm feeling good about the changes I've made to myself (lot more work to do). I feel my R with my kids has gotten better, i.e. my youngest has completely stopped saying that I look stressed all the time. My wife and others have made repeated comments about the improvements I've made. I feel I'm doing a much better job managing my anger / tone in my voice, and trying to put aside my gut reactions (fight or flight) to dig into what is the other person trying to say to find out many times its not something I should feel defensive about...

I guess I miss feeling like I've got someone to share with. I know I've seen a lot of improvements in the R with my W, but its so hard to feel like I'm making excuses for her shutting me out at times...

I also feel blocked in thinking about the future. Is the topic of separation going to come back up again in the summer when the kids are out of school and off to camp and such, and we're by ourselves. I don't know how to think about the future like switching job roles if I could get hit with that's it we need to sell the house...

Maybe I'm just tired.