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I think you are on it, Tim. You are probably doing much better than may of us would in the situation...but certainly better than I would if W used one/all of our Ds against me! Jeeez. Just the thought makes my blood pressure rise.

I think your steps are wise, i.e..

-Reaching out to school counselor
-Reaching out to priest and your IC

I think reaching out to the L your WW respects would be my last resort, directly prior to filling. So...if she 'acts out again', etc., then reach out and have that L try to reign her in. If it fails...then you can follow advice of your L and file if necessary.

Hope today is good, Tim. We need some breathing room from time to time during this...really do hope it is today for you!

Tim,

I agree with Ojap above - glad he put it in workable steps and strategy to take some of the emotion out of it. My only question is do you think she would be embarrassed and enraged if you contacted a person she worked with to discuss with her? I'd think that through really carefully. Would definitely only consider as last resort and be aware it could "poke the bear".

I completely understand your anger and sadness about S13. Every time my boys meltdown about D, I run to my H and beg/pursue for reconciliation. It's so difficult to see them hurting. The only reason I share this is to reinforce what Cadet said - we can only control us and our emotions. Your WW cannot think clearly right now. So, unfortunately, you have to be the bigger person here and not let your emotions get the best of you.

Keep doing what you are doing - not rushing into things, talking it through with your L, finding professional help, asking for advice here. You are doing the best you can under horrible circumstances. You are being very strong. Keep it up. S13 is lucky to have you.

Thank you. CWOL, Ojap and broke. I am trying to approach this and truly make the best decision for him... Not the best decision for me. If that means sacrificing parts of me or my emotional stability, I by all means would. I just need to work out what that decision is and how to accomplish it. I truly believe until WW comes out of her fog (where she comes back to me or not) I am the only stable thing in that kids life.

So here is what I am doing today. Called the church and need to call back in an hour to schedule an appointment with the Priest. Am going to move investments at lunch to put up retainer for attorney. Reached out to teacher (other wrestling coach) about how to get S to talk to school psychologist and myself to talk to them without WW finding out. Not taking any action with filing just yet.

My anger is finally subsiding. Who knows what tonight will bring but right now I just have a low flame and embers. At least I am thinking a little clearer.

Broke, I don't know if reaching out to a L she works with would be poking the bear or not. She has threatened to use the one for the D. I could see two scenarios... 1 she gets even more angry or 2 its a come to Jesus moment that S should be able to spend as much time with me as he wants as long as it is also not detrimental to her. I could not possibly predict what the outcome would be, but it may be enough for her to think rationally. Either way I do not intend to do that until I am also just ready to file within the same or next day.

Sounds good.

Knowledge is Power and doing nothing is really doing something.

Glad today is a better day!

Hello Tim,

Just read your story and it is very unfortunate that you have to live all this. I am very and truly sorry it is happening in your life.

I am not sure if I just missed it, but what are really your legal rights regarding S13? Since he is not your biological son, does his birth certificate recognize his biological father?

Once you got married to your WW, did you adopt S13?

If not, I am curious to know if the court would give you any custodial rights in this case. If the child has his legal parents alive, then they have the rights first. I understand that you will only get custody rights if you can prove to the court that his parents are not capable of raising him.

And that is a battle no matter what.

About doing or not doing the DB principles, the application needs to be regarding you and you alone. If the changes on you will attract your WW that is something that may happen or not. It is you that needs to live in peace with yourself.

The info you gave us is that your WW is very dysfunctional. She is very angry at you and I would guess she is very angry at the world right now because she is feeling very sorry for herself for a long, long time.

What you can do about that? Nothing. You can't and you won't change her unless one day she decides to help herself.

What you can do about you? A lot. For example, start looking into your sleeping issues. If you do not sleep well, then you won't think well and this can be a major setback for you.

Go to a doctor, get ADs or some mild sleeping pills. You need to be thinking clear, so you can address every situation with a clear mind.

Is your diet good, have you been eating right?

I know you mention you exercise and that is a big Hooray for you. Great job.

Your emotions will also betray you and your perception of the whole situation. What you did for your WW in saving her from the big villain is exactly what you are doing for S13 and trying to save him from his demon mom. Is not that?

You said you married her, so I guess if there is a divorce, then she will take the 50% of everything? If so, she does not need to have money to file, she can get a lawyer that will make you pay for the whole process. So, why is she waiting on this?

I think your WW is sick from even before getting together with you. She may need a lot of psychotherapy before she gets herself to a better place. She does not want that help right now and that is bad for you and her children, and IMO to everyone that crosses her path. She lacks love for herself.

You can't force her to do anything, but you can keep trying to be kind and show by example. Why I say this? Not for you to be a doormat, but because you still love her and until you say it is enough and walk away, there is just so much you can do.

Regarding talking to the lawyer were she works, I think it is very unethical and unprofessional. You are a lawyer, you probably know that you will be crossing the line on this.

I don't know if it would help, but if you can't just talk to someone because that person is angry. You may need to give some time on that... and you said you have been. Maybe you can think about the things that can bring the best out of her. Like she likes chocolate cake??? One of those out of the blue days, stop by and just drop the cake saying you just tough about it.

Some may see it as manipulative, but you need to slow the anger mode, see a more civilized side to deal with a very delicate situation that can trigger very serious problems not only for you but for these teenagers. She is not thinking much right now, it is up to you to make the most of it and try to be on her good side.

I wouldn't worry about her A right now, for me it looks like she is just jumping to another rescue. Since she does not have any self worthy, she needs someone else to validate what she is doing.

Tim, it is a very hard situation and you are trying to do the right thing. IMHO, I think you need to take things into little blocks and separate the situations as best as you can. You think she is using her kids to hurt you, and she may think you are using S13 to control her.

Stop, breath, go out for a little while with a friend and take a break from the turmoil for a few hours. It will be healthy for you and will help the situation.

Remember that DB is about you. It is about what you want to see in the mirror. Who you want to be next week, in a year, 5 years and so on from now. It's about detaching yourself from your WW and being a whole person. Respecting your boundaries. Respecting your core values.

I know it is hard work, and much more if kids are included, but you need to do this for your own good. Be patient with yourself, start your baby steps and keep following it, you will get yourself to a better place.

Hope today is a little brighter then yesterday.
Take care,
Pink

Pink, Thank you so much for your reply and analysis and compassion to my sitch is very much appreciated. Below I am going to try and answer your questions. Maybe it will provide a little more light on my sitch and you can provide more advice.

1. I have rights as a step parent in my state by taking on the role of an actual parent. S13's dad has been out of the picture for the last 6-7 years, so that actually would help me. The legal theory behind it is that as a society we encourage stepparents to step up and bond with a child by taking on parental responsibilities, in the event of a failed relationship it is not in the best interest of the child to severe those bonds. On of the most recent high court decisions Step dad actually got full custody of step kids over biological mom who btw was a very fit parent (no drugs, no alcohol, no abuse, she was a lawyer too). Thus while it has been uncommon it is growing and the courts are awarding it more and more. Oh, yeah I did not adopt him but should have, in which case I would definitely get 50% or more time with him.

2. Sleep and diet. As far as sleep I have over the counter which would help if I just took them. You are right I should start. My family physician is a good friend of mine and I could get a script called in but I have read they can be habit forming so I have chosen to stay away. Diet... Actually I am eating good. Lots of soup and sandwiches. My diet has never been the greatest (I eat oatmeal for lunch everyday except in summer when I eat yogurt every day) but I have cut out most of all fast food.

3. Divorce settlement. She would not be entitled to 50% of everything. I owned my house before she moved in and it is in my dad's and my names. Since we were together only a short times she maybe able to get a small percentage of the value increase in the last 2.5 years. Alimony and support. She left the marital home so she is not entitled to alimony pending litigation, she also makes nearly what I do (the legal principle is called abandonment). Since we were married such a small amount of time she will not be able to get any additional alimony after divorce.

4. As far as talking to the lawyer where she works. It would not be unethical as per the rules of conduct. But I want to be clear, I would not personally go talk to the person on a friendly level. Actually I do not know the attorney and had very little dealings with them if ever. But I would not go to them, if anything I would my attorney reach out to them and again it would be in a professional manner. I still not know about that yet because I would not want to embarrass her at work too. And like I said it could very well upset her.

5. I don't think I am trying to save S from a monster. I do not like and it p1sses me off to no end that she has threatened him, but I do think that she has been a good mother to him. Yes she is a monster to me right now, but I do not think that she is a monster to the kids. Having said that, I do not think she is thinking clearly and for some reason or another has convinced herself that it is ok to hurt S13 in order to hurt me. Putting myself in her shoes, yes I agree she may see me as controlling her vis a vis S13. However, how do I show that I am not. I am doing everything I can to allow her to call the shots with him with the exception of cutting me out of his life. I certainly could use some suggestions here, because we do need to be civil about S no matter what happens to us or how we feel about each other.

6 Unfortunately, I cannot do any overt peace offering because it seems that no matter what gesture I do that is out of the ordinary, seems to trigger her. I am doing NC and being pleasant when she contacts me. Hopefully by next week she will calm a bit. Idk whether she will contact me by text at all or when or if she will call at all but if she does I will certainly be friendly.

Again Pink thank you for commenting on my thread. I welcome any advise and suggestions you can provide. If it is something I tried or will try I will let you know the results. If it is something I disagree with I would like to have a dialogue about it so I could explain why I think its a bad idea or will do more harm that good and you could explain why you think it is. That hopefully will help me see things more objectively and act not out of emotion. Thanks!

Do you get why this is a fact?

You are a lawyer and anything you DO she see as manipulation on your part, no matter what the consequences are.

Sometimes thinking counter intuitively is the best method here.
Like doing the exact opposite of what you might think.

Like in my divorce I told my wife I did not want my sons turtle.
Then she did not want it either and was going to give it away.
So now I have the turtle and my son is happy.
If I said I wanted it, we would have gone to court to fight about it.

Because the FIGHT is what keeps giving them fuel.
So if you can just agree to everything they say, their is no fuel.

Not sure if that makes any sense?

Cadet thanks! Can you give me a little more information or examples. I get what your saying and probably could apply it to someone else sitch but have a hard time in mine. Thanks.

Well tonight was interesting to say the least. I am getting ready to leave work and get a text from WW. Would I take her dog, if not she is going to take her to the SPCA. Of course she knew I would take her and I text back that I would. She then calls me. She starts off with telling me of her day and then about dog. There is no reason for that, she already knew I would take the dog. But I was light and breezy the entire time.

So I go to pick up dog and she invites me in. She allows S13 to show me the house. I wish I could say I was as light and breezy as I could have been but I was upset to know OM goes there. But I was not pouty, just not as happy as I would like to have appeared.

Then she was going to carry the bag of dog food down with her, but I took it and then said good bye. I did definitely want to make sure I was the one who ended the meeting.

Weird thing is that S13 said WW told him she does not like to talk to me cause I am so mean to her. Funny she doesn't seem like she shies away from contacting me when she wants to.

Don't worry not reading too much into this. She wanted to get rid of the dog and it was easier for her to give the dog to me considering I would pick it up than drive it to the SPCA.

Although now I am sad after having seen her. And I know for awhile I will be hoping she contacts me again. But I am going to stay with NC. Let her initiate.

Yep. Don't hop on her crazy train.